Routines, Schedules...

It's something I supposed to need.

But it's also something I want but...

Nope! Get interrupted from withiiiiinnnn~~~

Really, really tried it so hard to make it so...

Supposedly, I'm the kind that was built to cope by having routines.

But was unable to.

Why?

I don't have ADHD.

But I have so many head excuses, emotional hurdles and a lot of irrationally reasoned inconveniences.

By intentions and all the fancying, I want to be conscientious.

But the reality? I'm not. I just am not. And that frustrates the heck out of me.

Was it my household? That wasn't done at home at all. Was it the culture I grew up in? Not being punctual, very lose with the rules?

I'm aware that I'm not living as the same place as most people in the same space. They have their own rules and I have mine.

I wanted to follow the rules. Do things to the letter. But alas -- instead, what I had was a whimsical mischief, a rebellious grudge, an entitled exceptional and someone who even want nothing but defy her own basic needs and even her own humanity.

So -- struggling for having a routine for years. Crappy habits, poor self regulation, confusion and directionlessness followed.

Doesn't help that I suck at processing language but that's another time and another post...

Turns out I do had multiple interferences; it's just not outside of me.

Being a biological woman is one of my biggest interrupters. And I really am interrupted by it because every other week, the rules changes... And I cannot adjust that fast. Spent the majority of my adult life just being unable to keep up.

So I tried to predict it. I really did, tried to anticipated any possible changes.

But that did not work out. No. Every shift in any gears is a huge drainer to me it seems.

Constantly interrupted momentum, painful inertias... Until I took birth control pills.

Now that I don't have major hormonal interruptions anymore --

My next internal interruption is certain habits and patterns.

Spent too much time of reading fanfiction. Spent too much time listening and watching YouTube videos. Spent too much time reading and typing online...

And I had to break that, too. Oh no! That's more than one discreet tasks!

Then any external internalized stuff by seeing something or someone... Not being picky enough. 

It's like I have my own AI in my own head. And it was programmed on consuming more entertainment medium than learning, unlearning, relearning and practicing stuff that mattered.

Another layer is the possibility that I hadn't been completely recovered by specific types of burnouts -- but that's another time and another post to elaborate on that.

What's more -- the trickiness of 'how I work'. 

Must learn and get over the fact that I don't learn linearly. Like; step 1, step 2, step 3...

Nope. Step 1, step 10, step 5 helps step 7, step 2 preps step 4, go back to step 10, etc...

Even something as basic as time of eating and sleeping -- which is really the most basic of getting a routine.

Usually, my sleep schedule goes n24 (cycles that are more than 25 hrs or less than 23 hrs and it accumulates). Even with work, it did not out.

Eating, too -- turns out I have 3 types of hungry. One of them is the real hunger; the rest is something I had to contend with.

Then these basic inconsistencies is mostly gone. After my hormones are no longer going ups and downs, too... 

I finally had a stable day-lark ideal sleep schedule, and an eating time that I can instinctively tell. 

Because after taking the BCs, sensations, emotions and even hunger cues went weirder. 

Another story for another day -- or, piece it together yourself. I might be repeating this or referencing other details several times already throughout this blog.

But yeah... Stupid layers of prerequisites -- some of which is biological than mental or even behavioral. 

This much change, just for me to have a chance to have a real routine.

I still am not following my own attempt of making rules and planning daily activities.

But it's finally getting there. Slowly but surely.

Am I really just so slow to adjust even to myself?? It's frustrating still.

At least... Sleep also became less troublesome. Waking up also became way less painful. No more heavy arms, no more weird numbness on my right thigh...

It was so, especially after I stop being sick for few weeks of coughing.

Other than all that -- sickness, any emotions, any changes... I really tried to track all of these to anticipate.

But... It's... Meaningless. Tried to bullet journal, track them all via written logs or digitally... For years. I attempted to, and maybe that will change me; that every check, every tick would motivated me.

Instead I just because a serial notebook abandoner, installed and uninstalled apps... Tried my best to salvage the data I collected. 

In ADHD terms, it's called pivoting... As I said; I don't have ADHD. I call it fancying.

Just because I know it's coming... Doesn't mean I'd be 'prepared'. And even if I'm anticipating it and be 'prepared', it's this shift in the gear, past the conscious somewhere, where the rules suddenly changed.

Now, finally, I'm dealing with way less of that. Maybe I'd finally just drop it altogether.

I'll only track myself for the sake of my crappy memory. Patterns comes distant third -- it's over for me since constant self monitor did not work. 

Maybe useless now, since my internal rules changed in a semi-permanent and finally in a way more stable basis.

I cannot forget those few days at 5th grade; I want to wake up at 5:30am, take a bath to myself, dress myself while I wait my mom to cook food for me and take me to school...

... Only to be stopped by being creeped out on sleeping alone at one night. Frustrating.

Now that I remembered it; I barely recall ever having to list my schedule at school. At all. Only the order of subjects I had to take everyday. I only got a class schedule when I was at high school...

My binges are still here; the remnants of my worst years. The moments when I want the day to end.

Then when I had work, I want every day to end quickly; and to end an entirely week just as quickly...

Even during pandemic -- waiting the day to end. Maybe because, I want every phases to just end, hoping for a more stable self -- when it doesn't exists to me 'naturally'.

Now? Time is sort of... Slower now in a way that I don't want to waste it, yet faster in a way it mattered whenever someone ages.

My hormones are more stable thanks to getting lucky on BCs that started almost 2 months ago.

My body clock became more stable.

My hunger times is becoming more stable.

My schedules are also more stable.

Hopefully many more will follow.

Annoyance in Illness

I've spent a week dealing with some sort of cold. Then just before it was over, I got infected again.

My stupid nostrils is cursed. And it has been that way for most of my life.

And barely able to do anything about it.

Been hanging around downstairs in odd hours because the room I was forced to share with is too cold.

It's always the stupid cold. Especially when I'm asleep. Just what the heck is up with that???

When I had my own room, at least I was able to do something about my constant triggers over humidity by putting a disposable dry box. 

Then, actually replacing my bedsheets and curtains every week. I'm only an air purifier short from getting a dust free room.

But no.

After a year of figuring all that, instead my sister's boyfriend lives there.

Abruptly.

Now I'm forced to share a room. A room I cannot control. It's my mom's room. 

Do chores with it?? Uhh, no!

Those pile of clothes she had? No way I'm cleaning it. It meant enabling whatever unwanted habit she's been doing since I was a child. I refuse to 'do something about' that. I refuse to be used that way. Another story for another time, and it'll be a rant.

Then there's the bed. It was a queen sized bed instead of the double deck that was planned to be brought. Of course.

The bed was purchased on November.

Then the bed fell apart on January.

Then it was broken by the time it's February.

We didn't do any darn thing at it. We ain't even overweight.

It was recently fixed, few weeks ago.

But it was still very annoying.

Now moving on from the room; there's the climate, the weather, the temperature, then the presence of people.

When I was able to control the room, I was able to deduce that my stupid nose starts to act up around 6-8pm. 

Would had to wear a hoody over my head. Maybe a facemask too. If not, a earmuff and scarf combo... Though the earmuffs hurt.

And not something I'm allowed to go inside the mall with. Had to remove any of that in order to enter the premises.

And most malls are air-conditioned. It's not the humidity, it's the cold. Risk triggering myself just for a sliver of happy hour, back then after work.

The worst part is that I'm in a very humid country. And I'm triggered for about 99% at the time.

On top of that; I had to tease out between the 99% unwanted nonallergic chronic rhinitis default, from the others; bacterial infection, viral infection, full blown sinusitis.

There's getting feverish without the upper throat pain that resembles like tonsillitis. Usually happens whenever I wake up, likely from sheer exposure.

Then there's the actual tonsillitis. With too much mucus. It's hormonal. 

Then there's the abrupt endless sneezing before getting this tonsillitis alike pain that can descend into my throat and into my lungs. Then getting feverish.

Likely an infection from elsewhere.

Then there's the random swelling of the nose but no mucus or sneezing reflex. Just clogged out of nowhere. Just taking some decongestant nasal spray for me, hope that it does not give me head fog symptoms.

Then there's a dry mucus filled sinus that gives me painful headaches. Neti pot or a saline nasal spray might solve this, but it doesn't help anything else.

Sometimes I take antihistamines. But it only works 50% at the time. Because of having different causes.

This stupid nose is the reason why I get sick at all. And no one takes it seriously. It's stupid.

And if I had to be checked everything this nose acts up, I'd be flat broke! 

And it's also dismissed as normal. 

Yeah, like neigh unmanageable is "normal'; that just popping a pill or a spray would make it go away forever as if it's a simple case of allergic rhinitis.

IT IS NOT. AND IT WAS MEDICALLY CONFIRMED IT IS NOT. 

AFTER YEARS OF CALLING IT AN 'ALLERGY', IT IS NOT. I KNEW IT IS NOT.

I don't know when I'll have a chance to get a second opinion of possibly getting surgery as an option for this.

I don't know if I'm gambling a huge pay for potential long term relief at best, or the tiniest risk of empty nose syndrome at worst.

And I hadn't able to make routine maintenances over, yet. Especially since my body has no sense of night and day. 

Routines still do not work with me and habits are hard to form.

And I have a lot of unwanted habits out of... 'This' nuisance.

It's a constant annoyance. I wish I never inherited this cursed trait. I'd trade my IQ scores and talents just to get rid of this crap.

It's also more of a social embarrassment than being odd. Being odd, for me, can be a choice between being myself and weird or mask whatever. 

I cannot mask or avoid this... Disease. Because it's mostly unmanageable.

It's also loud, messy and disgusting. It's also rude, abrupt, sometimes painful and very stressful by itself.

It messes with my head more than the world did. It messes with my thinking. It already make a huge mess with my hearing. 

And for most of my life unable to appreciate a lot of things related to smell...

The one of the worst part is the dangerous assumptions that it's COVID. 

Yeah, I'm 'infected by COVID' for what, over 24+ years??? Stupid, stupid, stupid. 

And I'm also asymptomatic if I'm actually infected.

This... VERY PHYSICAL issue is my biggest bane in my life. 

More than whatever developmental screw ups I ended up with. I can make do with that.

Sensory issues; I can self accomodate. Or even able to avoid. 

Especially now that I figured how to tone down my internal sensitivities.

Unfortunately, nothing makes me 'less prone'. Save for having my own room; but NO.

It's the biggest genetic screw up over my quality of life. To a point I wish this lifetime is over so I don't have to deal with breathing issues.

But it's not cancer. Or a collapsed lung. Or fibromyalgia. Or even asthma. Or dangerous allergic reaction like anaphylaxis.

Yeah, this is one the reasons why I don't wish for a very long time.

And there are countless cases like mine, remain unsolved, not cured. 

And there's no focus on that, really. Because it's just 'sneezing'. 

When it's too hot...

 ... We stay indoors, eat something cold...

I used not to worry about this. Stupid aging.

There goes my daily walks around noon. Doesn't help that my sleep schedule is shifted into day-shift than nighttime night life.

Around this day, the heat index is all time high.

Air-conditioning and electric fan usage is on high.

So is the water bills.

I sort of miss paying water bills.

I used not to worry when it's hot. Because o deal with it better than cold.

So I was not like most people when it came to dealing with heat.

It's not a mere sensory issue. The cold is sometimes PAINFUL. It's like it's physical than something in mt head.

Heat exhaustion doesn't make me worry. Until... I no longer deal with cold intolerance. Had to learn to deal with heat like everyone else.

Yay for ice cream and iced orange juice!!!

Trips to the air-conditioned malls and venues... Pools and beaches!!!

EXCEPT...

Getting unlucky by getting sick due to changes of extreme weather. 

Usually in my case; it's sinus infection that feels like tonsillitis, only higher up my nose... Which can descend and infect my lungs as well.

No ice cream, no orange juice, no trips out, nope, nope. I'm too busy with phlegm, bodily aches and potential fever.

Sigh...

And even if I don't have any sickness anymore, I had to deal with... Body temperature. Hydration levels. 

Then there's two types of outdoor heat I deal with; the heavy humid and the dry hot kind. 

Former is NOT pleasant, may suffocate me and give me headaches. 

The latter feels like hot shower without showering and less chance of sweating.

I miss the latter. Screw the former.

I don't care if my skin gets burnt. Not that I ever experienced sunburn before.

Though... To be safe, I have some stock of sunblock. And unsure if I should cut corners with it because it's pricey.

Wouldn't be ideal if I could just be asleep all day long and wake up, go out at nighttime?

I wish.

That would require me a decent enough room. 

Else I'd be dealing with sweat and potential discomfort.

The stereotype here is that people here just take a bath 3 times a day.

Sorry. The budget here is a bit tight. Especially due to recent events. Another story for another day.

I'm also contemplating if I should get a shorter hair so I wouldn't bother with tying my hair and using conspicuous amount of conditioner... 

Or just let it be, get a trim or so. Usually, I do do haircuts until past Christmas. Another story for another post.

Really, other than the bodily changes due to birth control, related to blood pressure and body temperature...

There's my decision making; I don't ride trics and pay for it when I could just walk it in 10 minutes on foot.

Now I'm willing to make bargain.

Sigh... I don't like aging.

I don't care if I'd look older. I just had enough with feeling crappier, fussier and more sensitive as I age.

Enjoying Out

Summer is here from where I'm...

Yes, your typical go play in the water under the hot weather

Usually, when I go out, I need some sensory tools. So; earplugs, photochromic glasses, maybe a fidget ring or two... Comfortable clothing; weather appropriate, no tags, and nothing stupid like rips and holes.

But if I really want to enjoy it, I need more than that. Yes, I'm living in a fussy body.

I should be; not sleep deprived, not having my period, not angry, not bloated because I ate too much, not sick in any way, being able to breathe well, etc. Etc.

Else all my thoughts and feelings goes through dealing with whatever I'm feeling inside instead of enjoying what's in front of me.

That's usually how it is with me. That is... Until I figured a way to tone the internal stuff down. Well, most of it anyways.

It's easy to tone down external noise; you can hide from it. You can avoid it. You can just cover it all up like a cork to a bottle. Easy.

But the internal noise? Takes professionals. It goes towards the realms of the medical field; physical, mental health and emotional support.

So I had to deal with daily discomforts -- too prone to even 'normal everyday things' are not comfortable to me; not just my environment. Having to deal with that since childhood, but that's another story for another day.

For now; this is about me going out.

I'm dealing with some form of chronic idiopathic nonallergic rhinitis. Turns out one of my triggers is not simply irritants, but also my hormonal levels, how much water I drank, if I ate certain stuff... Etc. Ruins my whole day, even if I'm inside at home doing nothing.

Annoying.

Even more annoying as someone who is born with a female body. Which is a long story; but to make a long story short; it was an even bigger problem...

Thank goodness for birth control pills. I had the luck that the cheapest type basically solved my lifelong problem. Another post for another day.

So I had to go through all that -- just to enjoy going out.

Sometimes I can ignore that it exists and happened to carried away.

Too bad yesterday I was sleep deprived. But at least it was not as bad as the other days I went out... At least a nap fixed my, ehh, 'off-ness'.

Most of my trips are through RnRs. I hadn't had a lot of it even back when I go to school tours.

I hope someday I can just leave the city by myself, find a spot I can just go... Sometimes I do that; at the malls, at random seats by the market -- usually with my pen and mini-calendar notebook.

How I wish I can only just carry a wallet, phone, keys... Maybe exclude the phone, not much in the wallet, and a single key back at home.

Nope; I need some meds, a hankie incase I get those sneeze fests, some small notebooks in case I was not fast enough to write something down or had to write down and give it to someone... Or suddenly have an urge to draw. 

Always have the fancyism of the possibility that I wanna write a story, write an info, draw or sketch out; "just in case" or all the sudden -- of course, of course, like any fancyisms, it won't happen and thus having a pointless habit of carrying certain items 'just in case'. But as to why or what I bring is another story...

Usually, writing and thinking about some plan or list is conducive when I'm out at night over a cool breeze out...

But alas; I also had to learn how to feel safe and assured. This also means, privacy and being out in the open with something I won't mind getting lost or stolen.

Though, I know how to be reckless and daring. Even to a point of walking at midnight from work; which I did back when I was still working a lot of times to a point of worrying other people... Another story.

I don't actually like carrying things when going out. Having to mind items constantly so it won't get lost or stolen. Or, having to mind how I walk if I'm carrying something heavy; minding that I may broke it, drop it, etc. 

It's distracting. At least it's not as distracting minding that I'm with other people; though it's relevant to the topic that there's a good reason why I prefer to be alone. 

Overall, I like going out. I can just walk for hours end.

But for me to enjoy it; it takes painstaking self care and luck. 

And I suck at planning because I never trust myself to follow it through, never had a chance to practice and 'believe' it works. Someday it will change but that's another topic.

Not that I'm undermining any effort of any disabled folks who needs an even more immense amount of self-care just to do the basics and without the luxury of comfort or ease; but this isn't about them.

So I had another habit on top of going out; why go out without enjoying it?

I had a habit of walking for hours. Doesn't necessarily mean I'm in great shape; body is still not as efficient. Another story. Relevant; I can walk, rain or shine -- though age makes it a bit harder now.

I had a random habit of going out to buy stuff at the markets or groceries. Yet usually not in bulk or at least won't last a week.

Sure, I like the idea of stocking for an entire year of supplies -- but where I'm now is not suitable for something like that. Fancying, but at least I know deep down it's not feasible year,

So; does this mean I enjoy festivities whenever I'm out? Not necessarily. It's just another ritual. Doesn't matter how colorful or what the histories are.

But; free food is free food. Certain novel activities and uncommon merchandises may be interesting. Usually that's what I look forward to.

If not that; then the bare minimum of claiming that 'I was there'.

The Quiet Week

Why?

I prefer to call it The Quiet Week as opposed to Holy Week

It resonates with me that way. 

While I was born into the Catholic rituals and traditions... I'm not really a worshipper. To me, it's just rituals. It's just... Something others to do because history and beliefs and all that.

This cosy. And quiet. And peaceful.

The town is basically almost a ghost town.

Not that I mind. I had prepared the day before.

So a good portion of the week, no stupid loud live bands and no unnecessary broadcasts.

Except the poems and singing passions -- I don't get them. I cannot understand them. I have auditory processing issues. So to me they're just patterned noise.

At least it's not as disruptive as a live band.

And the only way to mess up my walks outside are the weather... Though the weather had gone weird lately.

I wish I still have my room; from the picture. It was taken sometime between Christmas Eve and New Year...

Well, I might as well have my own rituals, maybe related to how I'm, spiritually.

I don't do well with Religious Observations. Heck, I even skipped my aunt's funeral few days ago and only showed up at the last minute of the burial. Anything else is just noise, noise, noise. 

Though how I take death will be another story for another day.

This is about the quiet week.

While my mom's actively participating and collaborating with the religious occasions -- I'm just at home, enjoying the silence.

And if I ever have something remotely spiritual to go to; I'm better off with reminders than the word God itself.

This is a post personally typed and submitted by me; it's about some metaphor of God being in one's heart.

Here's my response:

I'm not specifically raised a Christian. And I'm not a devout Catholic.

Yet I do get what that meant somehow.

It feels like a tiny yet a bright spark than a hole in my chest. I knew and 'have' this as a child.

It's not hollow. There's nothing to be 'filled' in there.

There's nothing for me to 'accept' to fill it whole -- so there's no saviour for me to accept, there's no god for me to beg and satisfy it.

It is not derived from a person. It has no face, it has no name, it has no audible voice that I can imagine from it. Just light.

It's a subjective feeling and a somewhat knowing to me. Whatever this is, it's the very reason why I never, ever felt lonely...

Some can relate and understand, some cannot.

And projecting anything towards it would 'spoil' it.

And whatever it is, I do not worship it. I do not glorify it. I do not 'condemn' those who "don't have it".

It is wordless. It's more of a belief concept than whatever I picked up. It's not 'godly' in a sense of how most gods are portrayed.

It felt more like a really, really dear friend who will never judge you, or how a loving parent should feel like yet without the demanding and uneven dynamic between a traditional parent and a child, or this childhood thing that you love so much that you'd trust all your secrets to it.

It whispers of good things.

Forgiveness, true empathy, humbleness, emotional resolve and courage, prosocial ideas, sometimes wisdom, etc...

Things any child should be exposed of and safely express. Things that no one taught or often shown me in this physical existence.

Not my family, not school... No one. Any attempts just confuses me.

The longer I acknowledge this feeling, the calmer and safer everything felt...

Yet like most humans with an ego, I do not listen to it. Or even 'hear' it all the time.

Because it's silly. Or irrational.

And getting caught up with this world existing with the thoughts and feelings, along with the stress and the environmental distractions left me not much room or time for it.

Not this... Ritual and projections or whatever. That even feels rigid and demanding.

No one explicitly taught me this. Especially as a child when sermons and lectures are just noises.

Going to the church won't let me access this light. Going to a sermon won't give me time and processing.

I get better luck with meditation and reminders.

So yeah.

I do sort of have a 'relationship' with this feeling, if one calls it that. It's neutral at worst. And because of stupid EF issues, sometimes I just forget it exists.

It always exists in this all encompassing background.

The same way I have a serious hate relationship with my sympathetic nervous system for dragging my development down, for it's inability to regulate and whenever it's triggered an unwanted memory at the wrong time and place.

Anyways.

I don't read the Bible.

Partially because my verbal abilities are that bad and a lot of sayings just confuses the heck out of me.

Partially I do not trust the popular translations in English. And I basically understand nothing when it's translated to my native language.

Really, 'commandments'? And not well, 'sayings'?

I'll consider reading if there's a more faithful translation that can actually translate the ancient contexts.

Not agendas about how women are inferior or how humans should be obedient and submit to whatever.

Feeling or not...

I'm just not drawn to most ways religions are taking itself a bit too seriously. 

Sometimes I read it from time to time. To recall it.

Might be why I know how to compose a living breathing prayer. But that's another post in another time.

I'm not an atheist. I'm not particularly religious. I don't have what constitutes as a religious belief; just assumptions. And feelings.

I don't have a particular opinion over the Holy Week in my country. Nothing about the story of Jesus and how he died and resurrected. Nothing about other people reenacting his last moments as said by the bible, or if it's becoming more secular or not...

It's just another ritual to me. Like how I have to watch a foreign custom and 'respect' it by mimicking behaviors or ask some itinerary of whatever holiday.

In any other case;

Enjoy Quiet Week of this country.

Nails. Fingernails.

I was trying to change it's shape. Because it's usually a mix of squared and rounded.

Don't care if it doesn't look feminine or lady like.

One of the few habits I'm able to retain and do every week is to give myself a manicure and pedicure.

I do it myself. I know it's a bit costly to spend something that may not last for 2 weeks. So I have my own set...

Not clumsy enough to mess it up, usually...

Only painted with natural colored nail polish.

Then one day I looked at my nails for a moment. My toes especially -- I observed that the shapes are not as consistent.

That my nails are actually very short.

That I still retain the lengths relatively from my childhood.

I used to bite my nails as a child, but I forgot how I dropped the habit. Maybe it was replaced.

I also used to impulsively pick off nail polish. Then suddenly I don't after years of never wearing any nail polish.

I used to not make it any more elaborate until I find how to make nail polish stay a bit long... Or at least less prone to breaking off. Now I apply at least 2 thin layers.

I used to just... Cut my nails every week or so. And it's usually too short.

Reminds me of those 'it's late for me to realize this stupid habit but better late but never thing' -- like how I kept cleaning plates of servings past comfort but that's another story for another day...

Then, realizing how short it is -- that it made cutting and cleaning difficult.

That some shapes would make my finger nails prone to ingrown nails.

I wouldn't want that.

I want to make it consistent so I did.

Let the nails grew a bit until I can shape it up.

And I sort of did. At least with my hands first -- my feet would come later.

Instead of 'roundish', I made it a bit 'squarish'.

And it looked a bit awkward. Because of the visible thing where you can see dusts or whatever underneath those nails.

I may need a neutral, skin tone matched nail polish color instead of natural transparent ones soon.

It's not like I'm obsessed with nail polish.

My mom used to -- sort of. And it used to be her mini livelihood.

... Also remembered that apparently, I'm the only one who can apply nail polish to my former boss without tickling her.

... Also those painful procedures that involves picking off flesh and potentially let it bleed... Well, I'm NOT at that level. Again, I'm not a professional.

... Also that I recall that I only ever paid for manicure and pedicure once. 

How silly to mention that -- though, still, if I'm going to spend like 2USD equivalent every other week, that would be going to the gym. Whatever gym related topic I have in mind now is another topic for another day...

Also I've yet to try making a habit on filing my nails.

Also I've yet to accustom with my fingernail shape whenever I scratch my head or just scratch overall.

I don't want mine long.

And I don't want the less convenient nail shape.

But it is still feels awkward. Underneath the nails was this roundish shape internal skin thing -- while the nails itself are squarish. It just feels weird. 

The less closer to cut over the skin might be vulnerable to bending and I don't like it.

And I scratch a lot. My head especially. My fingers feels so... "Uneven".

Hope I will someday just get used to it.

Know my own fingers. It's limits and all that feeling.

Work in progress.

Fleeing Ideas...

It's a frustrating thing, you see...

There came a thought, and it was a good idea.

At the time, "confident" that I'd remember such a good idea.

Only to find that it's no longer there.

Frustrated, like how it is frustrating the feeling that you want to say something but it's at the tip of your tongue.

It's an issue I've been having trouble fixing.

I carry a pen and paper around me. And I always have my phone.

Yet I cannot seem to make the habit to write those ideas down.

Why?

Maybe it's this lingering childhood habit that I cannot let go because as a child, my memory was great.

As I grow older... It just becomes less and less reliable...

And I'm not even 30 yet!

But I can feel it -- year by year. I can sense this subtle downgrade since age 15, slowly and surely accumulating negatives in me.

I don't think it's normal. Or a sign that it's your everyday aging. Something is just wrong.

I tried to compensate with that -- only for the habit not to stick.

Kept forgetting, kept being 'arrogant' or whatever.

As if I cannot learn. And it's been so, so long.

It's like those weeks -- great days, I built up over the course of few weeks.

Only to be all gone. And not being able to pick up from where I left off.

And even if I did have a record -- the motivation is no longer there. It's as if I cannot adapt.

I used to fear forgetting things.

Until it became too much -- and I was so young at the time.

Until something colder; yes, bouts of depression came, but back then it did not stick.

Now as an adult, it's trapping me into unwanted places.

Not only ideas, but also the things I already learned.

It's not burn out or some form of regression. It's not "out of practice" either... It's not real depression either -- else it doesn't feel like some inconsistent cycle that's coincidentally went bad at puberty, interfered and exacerbated by hormonal cycles.

But I'm losing... "Prerequisites." It's something I already knew, I already done -- and like a carpet rug being pulled under me... No longer accessible until it came again.

But my head is dumb.

"Fancyisms" that I'm still this reliable person in my head, which resonates when it happens -- yet no longer.

Frustrating. Why can I not just let go??

When I feel like myself more, I get so many ideas. See all the possibilities, being able to think forwardly, dreaming and hoping of freedom, of independence as to how I will live my life.

THEN it's gone. Like some false hope, being baited by my own head or body or whatever this is.

I mentioned before; my short term memory sucks.

Whatever I had initially, which is below average, was somehow just enough. Could afford to just be content with that.

But whatever I had less than I had initially is not, I cannot adapt to it.

"Hoping" there is this me, buried beneath this unreliable character. And I just cannot let it go.

Sometimes I managed to write it down.

Then forget what I wrote. Or that list even exists.

The point of list is to remember -- but what will you do if you don't remember the list exists?

No, I don't have ADHD. 

I have executive dysfunctions that I'm not supposed to be having. And I hate it so much.

The worst part is that the habit requires to interrupt myself, pause and write it down.

But I don't do that. That costs me; to shift gears for the sake of 'recalling' -- and it's not even a guaranteed thing.

Sigh.

This is a pathetic post.

Likely one of the many rants and one of the many whinings to come.

So I do not have the energy to shift gears, so take urgency?

"DO IT NOW!!!" Like some sort of sprint.

Actually, it's detrimental too -- no room to decern if it's a good idea, no room for pros and cons, no room to judge if it's relevant.

There is no pause button. Not even the list -- the list is not taken as a 'save button'. It's either now or never-maybes again in another random time and place.

Oh, and I ever suck at this mental sprint. The road disappears before something great happens.

I was not always like this.

And I might as well repeat that phase.

Something is wrong.

And I might as well repeat that phase.

It's a stupid cycle.

May rant-elaborate someday...

The thought of this just... Pisses me sometimes. Among other thoughts that rings in my head and pisses me off. Which is, well, not yet on the level of writing I have yet... Or, I don't have the prerequisite at the moment.

I don't like these fluctuations.

I don't like these inconsistencies.

And I cannot adapt to it. And every time I tried -- it's as good as those fleeing ideas.

Odd Hours

I'm never a morning person... 

Except that ONE time, that made the best week of my adult life... 

Wish it happens. Wishing it's my 'normal'.

... It's likely that I have some sleep disorder. Crappy sleep quality, sensory issues, nasal breathing issues (chronic rhinitis), etc...

Having to deal with that, which is a daily living issue I may rant some day...

Today I wake up being less lazy or 'down'. Must be elevating estrogen week.

Woke up afternoon. Still spent at least few hours before getting up from the bed...

At least it's not because of my gut and debating my head to eat like some spoiled toddler, or feeling heavy as if I'm sick, or those days when it felt like I did not slept at all.

It's not unusual of me to be awake at noon, go about around dusk times, and sleep around sunrise.

Today I did my laundry. At 7pm.

Usually I do it around 3pm or 3am. But not now.

When I was still going to school, I always feel crap all day. At night, I just struggle to go to bed. 

I grew up hating sleep.

Unlike most adults wanting it more, I want to actually not have any.

Because sometimes, waking up from any sleep -- be it a nap or a 24 hour recovery hurts. Inertia that lasts for hours, maybe it never went away for days even.

And I'm not talking about weird uncomfortable sleeping positions and waking up random symptoms due to the room's humidity, temperature and the hormones.

There's something off with my nerves. And I cannot tell how or why. It just comes and goes.

And no check ups for me. Too expensive. And it's a gamble; don't want any stupid appointment turn into some 'its-in-your-head' talk.

So I'll just take the matters into my own hands since other people were presumptuous ("you got a lot in mind", "just relax"), doctors are also presumptuous ("drink more water", "less stress", "no screen time") and none could help me. 

At any rate, I have no issues relaxing or emptying my head. I just don't know what I have.

"Have a regular consistent sleep schedule"

Yeah, I tried that for years.

It's even more painful.

My most ideal so far is to count my sleep length by 90 minutes (an hour and half) instead of by 60 minutes (an hour), segmented and in odd hours.

As a child I always wanted to have a night class. But alas, that did not happen. I was born too soon. No amount of regular schedules stick with me -- which is frustrating. I may elaborate in another time.

Right now, as an adult, I would like a job that starts at noon or night shifts. But alas... Something is wrong.

Was it because I'm neurodivergent? Oh, sure. That's partially the reason.

The rest feels too physical. If I did not know any better, I thought I'm depressed or anxious. But I highly doubt it. 

I don't want something so dumb and stupid like mistaking my chronic breathing issues and whatever caused my low blood pressure with all the issues it causes -- for something psychological.

So at day, after waking up, I get varying symptoms to a point that I may stay in bed for hours before getting up, that going to the bathroom or eating is not enough to me to get up. Or not at all, all day long.

And thus...

I end up hating this body.

But that's another story for another day.

Only that -- I prefer odd hours ever since I was a child.

Not because it's quieter; karaoke and live bands still plays around here and even at odd hours.

Not because it's dimmer; I actually like the sun. 

Never because it's colder. I cannot tolerate cold well. I actually like warmth. And night time humidity is one of my rhinitis/sinusitis triggers.

Maybe because way less people will bother me. No one to poke me. No one to talk to me. No one to remind me of whatever and no one around hovering behind me.

Yeah, that's mostly it.

Sometimes when I'm so bored, I go out at odd hours around 3am outside the house.

Maybe walk around the street, stare at the skies, hopefully it was a clear or not raining at all...

I hadn't had stargazing for quite some time.

And sometimes, if I were a little daring, I put on neon clothes and go out to places with my bike, then buy or eat something out...

But nah, today, I'm just doing some personal chores.

Browsing the internet all night long. Maybe play games. It's one of those days that I feel less down and heavy after all.

I don't want that feeling to end. Wish this is at least my baseline, and no more inconsistencies.

Speaking of inconsistencies.

Sometimes my sleep pattern shifts and accumulates. Sometimes it became non-24 hour cycle.

And I have no real eating schedules. No real routines. No shut down protocols. This body is not predictable.

At best only, I get to do those once a week thing or three, but never a daily on-time everyday thing.

Nothing just sticks with me. I may elaborate on that someday, but this post is about odd hours.

Wish there is such thing as a night owl society.

But that won't be so cost effective, so they say.

Maybe, hope science will find infinite source energy? That would be great if that ever happens.

During these odd hours, it feels like a good free time.

Free from reminders and other people bothering me.

Worst it can ruin my day is either some accident or some unwanted guest at home like pests meddling at my stuff and 'sharing' my space without my say so.

Online Online

Well, there's that.

May or may not the point of it though.

First memories of ever using the internet was around 13, 1st year high school (K to 10 school year 2008) around internet shops where most students would skip school or hung around to have time with social media and gaming.

It was back when Friendster was trending.

The internet here sucks, more so back then.

And like any teenagers, I had ridiculous emails and usernames... You know, the unprofessional types that any kid thought it was cool or fancy or something.

At any rate, a year after that -- my house got internet connection.

And oh boy, I was so, so hooked.

That's also when I first started playing online games. As in MMOs, not just flash games and downloading trial or cracked online games.

Was a total newb to a point that I don't know what a torrent was.

My reading comprehension sucks that bad.

I was not much of an active member of any online community, or able to surf around the net like some net savvy kid of that generation back then. I wished I was.

And it still sort of sucks. But nonetheless I try my best.

So my reading comprehension improved by chatting online games.

Online chat lobbies -- ick... Full of messages that says "asl?" (age/sex/location) I don't like it since it usually end up with flirting or worse. Not interested. Just not interested.

And I was also quite lucky -- really lucky. I used the internet without any adult supervision or filters. My newbie internet days landed me on a relatively safe online space. Not toxic, not predatory.

So my first friends on the internet are players around the same age as me. Not talking much about deep stuff yet, nah. That will be for another day and post.

Also which game? Also another day and another post.

And so my reading comprehension grew.

That's when I turned to varying articles... Plenty of learning materials to go about.

Over time, I ended up reading fanfictions.

Too much fanfictons.

Too much articles.

Too much reading.

I should really have a system to take breaks from reading and being around with large amount of written and spoken words, but I'm so addicted.

It did not reflect with liking books though.

I could finish reading several chapters of some long over 50k+ words parody fanfiction and complete it in less than 2 days, but not or barely a chapter of any books, PDF copy or otherwise.

A habit I still carry to this day. Sigh.

With that reading comprehension growth...

I also became one of the many lurkers of many online spaces.

Not shouting any opinions, not debating, not trolling anyone... I keep myself out of it. Don't want any drama.

Instead I just got better around using search engines.

Persistently finding something. Usually, I wouldn't know until I find it.

My past online life as one of those teenagers around a relatively small MMORPG game was one of the days I would never regret.

I miss those online game friends to this day.

But that's not all.

It took a bit more reading comprehension on my part to start participating in online spaces.

I got to learn certain terms; which is offensive, which isn't. And so on and so on.

I have this weird mental list of which is offensive to which words are.

The 'vibe' of the communities.

Getting to feel what might be alright to ask.

To attempt to do it all at once is overwhelming.

As a teenager, I can do it.

Now, I question myself if I could... I hate aging.

But that will be for another day, another blog post. Don't want to suddenly make this one post into something into some less relevant branch off. I struggle to be relevant at a time.

Oh, and I don't even proof read what I'm writing.

That's quite a dare.

But I digress...

Online communities -- it had to depend on the sizes.

Never joined any fandom.

Never subscribed into any channel.

Not yet.

Online participation?
Not much going on in Facebook nowadays.

I'm a complete noob at Discord.

Ahh, I miss my past online life.

But it cannot be helped; I quit when I got to college and when the house cannot keep the internet connection.

Around those time; I lost my PC.

For... About... 8-9 years give or take.

I was working.

Too tired to do games.

And reading random stuff became something of a coping mechanism that made worse.

To a point that it consumes my time during work.

Then I quit work.

The external stresses are gone.

But the habit is the same.

Tried entering a few groups here and there and...

Nothing much happened.

What am I expecting?

Oh well.

Even after I quit my job...

The stress is still there.

But again, another story for another day and blog post.

Just how many possible branching topics did I wrote now? 3-4??

Not that I will remember it in the future. Maybe I do when I do remember it.

My now online life; I currently am active to a few online communities.

Neurodivergent led communities.

Autistic led communities.

You read that right.

But I won't elaborate more of that. Not yet. Another day, another blog post.

This blog post is about my online life so far.

And it's not that big. Not really.

The countless choices overwhelms me to no end. I could just break from just switching between 4-5 most often visited sites I visit and the additional 2-6 occasional other sites I play around with.

Sigh.

Even this stresses me out.

There isn't much for me in real life. Not really.

Or at least, nothing I can handle yet.

How or why is another story for another time.

What, more topic branches?

Still sticking to the topic.

As much as I miss my old online friends...

I don't communicate with my family online either.

I also suck at maintaining social contacts.

If not follow ups. 

Where I'm most active was basically a forum where I just dump random stuff.

Which can last a week.

This blog may even last a week if it fell to my... Whatever issue I'm dealing since I was a teenager.

Another topic for another day to elaborate on what that issue is.

But for now...

I could've just choose and create something, you know?

But I couldn't seem to.

My head says I'm tired.

Depressed? Nah...

It's just hormones. Stupid hormones.

Even my chattiness can be just hormones.

So I tried to learn how to do freelance.

But there's so much gap to the knowledge.

And I'm not very business savvy.

I really want to be an actual freelancing online job.

But nooooooo.

I got "too lazy" and easily pissed at clients constant messaging.

Sigh...

I'm not afraid of screwing up myself.

I'm more afraid of screwing up someone.

I don't like it.

Another story for another day -- for now, I don't have the "discipline" or "professionalism" to do freelance work.

All because my body forgets as soon as I wake up... Or panic for looking at the time.

Not a good experience even back when I was working.

I wish I can just... Go back and play.

But... Something is just holding me back.

Right now, I'm just floating around surfing the internet, reading.

And reading.

And reading...

And more reading.....

Just to kill time.

And kill more time...

... Until "it's over"... Whatever this 'laziness' is. Whatever this 'waiting' is. Whatever this 'feeling' is. Whatever 'drove' me into some procrastination.

Until then...

I'm just reading.

Randomly writing.

Maybe a poke or two.

Printer

This is something random.

About basic troubleshooting printers.

Well, at least I am currently not one of those who urgently need one right now, only for it  to break down on me -- which is sometimes quite the meme.

Hm.

At any rate, there isn't a lot of tech savvy enough people around my mom's workplace. I'm the closest convenient thing they got so...

I was asked to fix a printer.

Because it prints off color.

So I did cleaned the nozzles out via printer maintenance options from the computer.

First test print -- diagnosed that magenta doesn't print. Checked the ink case; there's still plenty of ink.

After cleaning once, which takes about  3 minutes each -- on print test, nothing.

Second clean, print test -- nothing.

Third -- no change.

Sixth -- ah, there's a smidge of magenta.

So I went on and on and on... I skipped several cleans right after since it'll be a waste of ink and paper.

Thankfully there are plenty of scraps of wrongly printed papers to test print with. Else I wasted much more...

Initially, and sometimes instinctively, I thought one just have to do this once or twice until it's done.

That stupid instinct is always wrong.

I wonder if it's because I'm impatient or something stupider like those... 'Fancyisms'. I'll tell another day and post what that means but for now...

Until for about the 20th time it was cleaned, magenta starts to, well, half way print on test print.

25th clean, 8th print test -- it's alright now.

For now.

On the 6th clean and 5th test print...

This is a post test.

I made this placeholder first post so I can just view what I'm doing with the layout options.

Do not mind this post unless you're bored or really like to read.

No, there's no easter eggs here.

I'm basically doing custom themes options, constantly pressing refresh on a trial and error basis. Paragraphs skips a line. Normal texts do not.

I'm a very visual-pattern person, though. 

My short term memory is crap. 

The preview in the option isn't enough since there are blanks so...

This is a post test.

I can just post long stuff over nothing.

Too bad I can't do it in real life speech. Because that will be awkward. And because I'm not always in the mood to.

I do not like words. Not that I have any other choice about it.

This blog is created on a whim.

This blog may be viewed by anyone.

This blog is not private, not really. 

But I pray no one connects the dots. I prefer my real life and online separate.

Yet like any other, sometimes I cannot help but bring something up from real life.

Because I'm too moody to a point sometimes I cannot accept it.

Yet. Not yet. Not by choice. Not really. But that's another story in another day/post.