Shift Times and Squared

Another lack of update from yours truly.

I do wish I declare an overhaul but... Nah?

There were a few or so that happened in few months...

Let's see... Gotten back in touch in my old online life around November.

At December; I basically hosted 2 Christmas Parties. Staff Christmas Parties were actually fun!

The locale bit I hosted... I barely did anything there...

... I quit my job before Christmas holidays.

Why? Other than my body starts refusing to get up and end up skipping entire days?...

... I am not learning. It's been a decade since I had decided that I need to play keep up, and nothing to show for. 

And I feel really unheard; "but people still learn from you" learn what? Make an example out of me? No thanks. This is my life and I'm not a cautionary tale for someone to look at.

The point of why I'm working at all is to learn, to play catch up. 

I'm not seeing results. It's not working. I'm leaving for good. Call me selfish, but I'm fairly sure that is a very valid reason why an employee would resign from a work.

I progressed when I get rid of the mentality that "I'm still too young", sure, but...

I wish whatever I have now is something I have 10 years ago instead.

At Christmas, I did something relatively reckless... Like posting something very triggering online. And it yielded at least...

I think it was the most important moment I had ever since; the relentless questions of "Why am I different?"

The realization, the "THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING!!!" All of that, I felt it all. 

This never happened during my formal assessment over 15 years ago; because back then, it's like "UGH, DUH!!!"

Everything that had happened to me and why everything that I searched in the internet was never enough; finally explained in a middle of a reckless commentary session...

... An explanation that I will never attain in real life.

After the realization that: how I regulate my sense of self is very different, might be why I never felt lonely, why I respond to fear and stress differently, why my tolerance seems low; it's to maintain something very metabolically draining...

... Why I burnout at teenage years despite not masking, why my own body was the most hostile environment of my own brain, why is my whole body cranked up 24/7 despite relaxing, why I cannot relate to many neurodivergents... 

.. And what made me so different in a human sense; was because my regulatory bias is different. A trade-off of sorts. Most people maintain this through socialization -- I don't, instead it's something internally drawn from myself. 

Perfect for asocial people. Not very good for not very healthy ones. It's exhausting.
Nonetheless, it ended this endless pursuit for trying to understand myself.

Now all I have left was.. 15+ years of habit. Unwanted habit of searching for something I thought was there but it's not.

And then the household finally moved out of renting from an apartment, and into my old childhood home... Not the same house or structure, but definitely the same space.

Amongst other things; I gave up speaking too much. I hate being a yapper. It's from my mom.

And I hold a grudge over that, really because it doesn't feel like me.

So, instead, I was told over and over; to see through her lens, see through her place, that she's doing her best, that she's limited to what she can give.

Nope. I had to mourn a parent that I longed; one that never existed.

One that the damnable 5 year old self hope for; rationally knew doesn't exists but emotionally did not care! And kept demanding for this fictional of an expectation alive.

Mourning: done.

Sleeping way better ever since. Mom's voice no longer triggering. 

Still pissed about it, really. If this is the source of my sleep disruption, it's no wonder why I grew hating my younger self even more...

I wonder what the heck else this running rampant in my system that my younger selves had ignorantly screwed up?

And, my biggest self imposed challenge: going back to my old online life, process and recontextualize what had happened during my worst years by reenacting everything while maintaining perspective...

For few months... My left side had been shaking. Going back to the online game my burnout teenage self from 15+ years is the perfect medium for this. I quit this particular game abruptly, hoping I'd focus more on college...

... You know what? I think I regret quitting. Maybe I shouldn't had quit at all. I spent over 12 years over this idea of what I should do and...

... Nothing to show for. Only losing interests overtime, only losing more and more of myself in coping with crap and an exhausting existence. Body not adjusting, mind refusing to learn.

So why not go back in time when it all "started"? Well, more like the whole unwanted bit started at pubescent years, becoming a teenager and quitting school for few years just pushed it.

Had reacquainted with some playmates of mine. Learned their lives a bit.

Like how did they do that?

And amongst other things; relearning, learning... It was good.

But I had to maintain perspective.

So I went back in moments when I'm still this burnout teenager who stopped going to school. What are my prospects?

Except, I'm no longer a student. I'm an adult whose work experience do not count for something.

Yes, this adult is no longer dealing with untreated dental issue, unmanageable chronic sinus issues, maladaptive daydreaming, nagging endless question of 'why am I different?', mourning for a parent that never existed, contending against maladaptive daydreaming...

Just... More lost than ever.

After integrating the fact of what explained 'why am I different?' I felt adrift more than ever...

... There's always an idea of a person that I still want to be, but...

Why am' I still persistently this... "Person"? This "person" doesn't feel like me. 

This version of me, while healthier, there's still a lingering... Thing... That still holds me back...

... I don't know when I lost that, but... I was certain I still have that when I was 10. I somewhat still have that when I was 15. But I lost in at 20?..

Honestly?
I don't know how to rebuild myself.

I have the time, space, the whole privilege to even the a point allowing to put my life on hold.

But...

.. Why am I not this person that reflects more of myself?
What am I missing?

Months of the Years

I had to see data by months at the time. Because I'm just that stupid sensitive to inner fluctuations and even the weather.

A week long isn't reliable for me. Nope, it had to be, well, at minimum, 30 days long -- 100 days at most.

For some reason, October just sucks

This is a picture of an artificial patch of lavander. Actually a picture taken by me on the mall with my phone; not an online placeholder downloaded elsewhere and uploaded here. 🤪

There's nothing special in the month itself! Really!

Sure; January is a common transitional month from last year to the next...

May is my birth month and I get to call that my lucky month...

But for reasons I just can't understand -- October just sucks. Not eventful, not even adversarial... Illness do not happen there except one: Nothing.

By nothing, I meant COMPLACENCY.

Apparently, it was supposedly a month ideal to start anew for some.

But not me -- everything seem to be at pause for me at that month. And not in a 'I wasted this month due to illness or business' days.

More like just... Doing nothing. Dropping everything. As if the unreliable luteal phase is 2 months longer. 🙄 

But why, just why October??? No idea. 

Regardless, last month for me sucked and that there's has been a major storm just yesterday.

Then after years of attempting to self monitor... That my old bullet journal yield almost nothing but vague hints that whatever crap I'm dealing is related to the hormonal cycle...

... This month, I'm calling it out instead of letting it happen. 2-5 days of feeling well, which highly overlaps with period, afterwards, either this weird impulsivity with insomnia or constant sleepiness; either ways, double serving and double spending. 

And then this weird downward spiraling of unreliability, causing damage, causing errors, and the shite I kept doing and caused to get 'consequences' from it.

Every other week of getting deceived by my own body. Do you know how frustrating it was to feel like "OH! I'M IMPROVING! OHH I'M GROWING!! OH MY GOSH, IS THIS IT? AM I GOING TO CHANGE FOR GOOD???"

... Then..?!

POOF! One day, just nothing. Forget everything I've learnt, known, etc. Go back to being an utter noob who's still in their first day. Commit unintentional mistakes helplessly, re-improve, errrors catching up, damage control, hoping I'd grow, and then dropping off like that. Repeatedly.

Frick that.

For years, before the stupid story ended, it always happens -- and realizing it too late, by weeks long too late.

Now? With all the work I have? It gets more predictable.

And with a stupid realization of being trapped in some form of stupid developmental time loop.

Again, yet fully solved, yet fully end. Still wanting it to end for good.

My progress in faster processing? I have a hint but that's it. I'll get there.

Since the month ended, I started doodling... Which is a good sign for me, actually! 

Before the month started, I went and brought a smart watch. The cheapest I'd get. Just for monitoring sleep and oxygen. And it was fascinating...

Everything during the "well days"; which is 2-5 days out of, ugh, 30 up to 60 of not -- there's no weird stress levels involved. 

Any day outside that gets higher than minimum. First days outside well days are during ovulation; gets a bit better if I worked out before bedtime.

But during luteal phase? 

There's a detectable signs of stress DESPITE DOING NOTHING STRESSFUL, HAVING TO DO NOTHING IN ADVANCE TO WORRY NOTHING, NEEDING NOTHING BUT RELAX, AND WITH NOTHING IN MIND AT ALL.

Sigh. 🙄

Other than that, I'm also going back to playing with colored lenses. But this time, it's just this funny DIY glasses mod to block blue light, see if this can help my body finally have a stable circadian rhythm -- trying to convince my body it's not 1PM every day and every night... It's still day 3 or so.

And so...

As I age, my timeblocks had becoming smaller, more zoomed out. I can still remember, as a student and even during working I've been looking the days by weeks...

Now I'm looking at them by months.

Even so... I've been neglecting my date book since October. 🙄

Of Mastery and Boon

A week before my 30th birthday, I had a systematic overhaul.

And it turned into a great success. It was an accumulation of my years of inner work.

So when my coworker and boss asked what my wish was, and I told them with a smile...

My wish has already granted.

I had put my points into "transitioning". By transitioning, meaning in context; switching gears, shifting in and out, "mentally alt tabbing"...

If I had to go and stop, I can do it, easy. No inertia involved.

Before, it was a major drainer...

Now it's just something I can do. Suffocated the inertia out of my wiring basically.

Although, my head still makes excuses. You know, like an enabled addict; "I can stop anytime".

Nope. There's a difference between "Yeah, I can stop anytime." as it says, from "Stop NOW." and "Not NOW, go back!"

Shifting gears is what I can easily just do. Pivoting into a different "NOW" is easy.

Now my problem is how I'm constantly disrupted -- no, not because I'm drained and lose track. But because my head isn't fast enough to process and recall stuff.

It doesn't help that I suck at planning. I suck at seeing things ahead. Let alone bigger picture.

So I had considerations at the moment of what to get rid of; the sluggishness or the myopia, now that I don't have the inertia...

My intuition tells me I can't just do both. It had to be one or the other. It'll take me time to decide and choose, then figure it out slowly before attaining it for real.

So this past week; I was thoroughly tested. Working for a job I'm not meant to do again; too much multitasking.

The timing also sucked. I was sick and on another stupid long luteal phase that I'm still on.

Tried to hack through with supplements and medication, but it's not enough.

No -- seriously. 2 different antihistamines, 2 different brands of oral decongestants, 2 different mucolytics, a paracetamol, a sleep aide, anti-asthma, nasal spray -- NOT ENOUGH TO PUT ME TO SLEEP AND ALSO NOT ENOUGH TO MAKE THE PHELGM AND SNIFFLING TO STOP.

Sure, I'm less tired, but still far, far from sharp, reliable, knowing...

Yet also sure that it wasn't a fluke; I really CAN shift and pivot whenever. Even if I was so overwhelmed, sick, tired, hormonally compromised, sucky timing I missed a major meeting... 

... It's no longer a major a but subtle drainer.

All I need is to remember it. And counter the stupid excuses my head makes.

It's a major step into a direction I want. A huge progress. 

Now I need to decide the next. Then figure it out. Then get it for real.

I do not deny that I 'demand' so much of myself.

But how could I? I have such pride.

At the same time, I hate living helplessly.

I went looking for few avenues of neurodivergent ways for learning and unlearning.

Unfortunately, there's barely if not nothing about post-healing.

Most people I've met so far are still on those phase; all around mental health, affording mental health, etc. 

While the stupid story of mine is over.

Sure, I get ridding the hung ups -- ridding certain beliefs, ridding certain complex, mourning particulars, etc.

But most of which are to do with roads to acceptance, wanting to be zen, losing shame, etc. They're looking and assuming the common stories of being neurodivergent; loneliness, rejection and hurt... I'm not looking for that.

I want mine all about cognition and discreet processes of the human brain and mind.

Went looking for basics, and basics I get.

Like... Yeah; I figured most of my mind and emotions.

But my body??? My body is still a nuisance of a mystery. I got the breathing issues mostly unlike for years -- I just need the hormonal bits messing with my head and the rest.

In which, unfortunately, the body is still an environment of the brain.

So -- basics. I tried; even the very basic; sleeping before 10:30pm; even that ONE part I struggle to do at all.

Let alone the rest; eating as the sun rise, not eating and finishing all the work I need after the sun sets, drinking certain amounts of water throughout the day, stopping artificial lights and shielding myself from that... Even for just 3 days straight.

I kept forgetting... Or I kept missing it.

As a child, I used to try and think ahead... And actually be able to recall things immediately and more wholly. But emotions get in the way. Feelings get in the way. I wish I was as I'm now when I turned 7 or 8 instead of 25 years too late.

In a way, I still mourn for my lost time. Time stolen by something that could've been prevented.

While I'm happier that I turned 30, meaning I can look things more forward...

... It's still frustrating to look at; missing lessons, things I need to unlearn, the crap that others did that I paid for and had to be responsible for.

Yeah, the mind likes to find more problems. Likes to look at the negative. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

I just need to remember and tell; "Not NOW."

Of course I'm not stupid enough to abuse the new skill by using it to bypass the rationally unnecessary crap that the subconscious is absorbing, internalizing, yapping wrong stuff over. 

By wrong, meaning, stupid. By stupid, meaning, glitched. By glitched, meaning, I did not consciously did the crap but my brain kept doing and had to clean it up like a toddler who couldn't do it themselves because some ignorant fool put the crap there for everyone to exploit.

By ignorant fools, meaning adults in my life. By adults in my life, meaning humans.

Humans are flawed.

Maybe... I never had to do any of this undoing, unlearning, relearning, asking for a wish thingy -- if people around me weren't so ignorant.

If only I was built to be the best version of myself instead.

But who am' I kidding? This is the reality.

Someday this whiny entitled phase will be over.

Just like the stupid story my head spins in my head over and over.

Oh, and I did not get my reassessment yet. Because it prioritizes younger cases. And probably because the assessor is scared. I'm not kidding.

And this pattern of... Seeking help for something, tried to have faith in someone who offered me help... Only to solve the whole thing myself. Well, that's another story for another post.

Pet Peeves over Multi-Factors

It's already annoying enough when doctors around me just quickly assume it's a psychiatric crap instead of help me rule out crap.

This is why I DIY out of it myself

To continue my story from last entry; or rather add details to it...

So, at a local Health Clinic; there was a doctor who was checking the pneumonia...

... Asked if I have a PWD card.

And saw the category of "Psychosocial".

I'm not gonna reveal my specific type of neurodivergence yet. 

All I do know is that I don't have a mental illness to treat. And if I ever needed therapy or whatever, I just do it myself.

But yeah, said doctor, who, is checking my lungs asked if I'm taking medications for whatever this is.

And if I don't, it'll be taken away.

Forcing me to reveal my personal diagnosis at teenage years. 

Why no label? Because, I cannot relate. I can claim to be autistic and all that; qualified as I'm, but are my stories to do with special interests, overwhelm towards the outside world, unresolved traumas from abuse and bullying, and all forma loneliness with wishing of feeling more human? 

Nope. 

Unlike how I cannot relate with ADHD as an ND, I cannot relate to autism as a human no matter how much I'd rather be alexithymic, with so called no empathy. 🙄 

The only sensory related stories one will ever get from me is neglected or untreated biological factors that everyone denies for what it is, and blames my neurodivergence for it.

So said doctor asked how am I feeling;

"I'm feeling constantly irritated." But I knew why; because of chronic sneezing but no one listens to it.

And tries to offer me an psychotic for it. Despite after telling that I have an unmanageable chronic rhintis for practically 25 years of my life.

So said doctor, finally just drop it and prescribed me an anti-asthma inhaler to treat my pneumonia. A month or so worth before como back to it.

The inhaler isn't exactly cheap even with a discount.

But I took it as it was prescribed and...

... Well...

For the first time in practically my whole life; no sneezing fits for days straight.

Not even taking antihistamines, not even with numerous variations of nasal sprays, not even everything in short of surgery... Ever happened in basically all I knew.

For a while, it really took me to process that this is reality. That it's happening. That, I no longer am forced to mind breathing, no more indignities of fricking endless mucus. No more loud sneezes and sniffles.

No more irritation that I've been feeling for most of my life.

Why need an antipsychotic for something solvable as this?? 

An entire month worth. So I had a major contrasting of daily living...

Like; I learned that, yes, stress is my one factor for it. So is hormones. It's not merely just dusts or seasons -- or hell, maybe not even histamine itself.

That, one time I forgotten to take said medications because I'm getting late for work? Everyone saw the contrast of me, constantly getting interrupted repeatedly throughout the day and getting exhausted.

That day, I learned, that sneezing for even few hours straight is supposedly exhausting. 

I did not know that. I already told too many people complaining them having sinusitis for week long, and mine doesn't seem to ever go away. But did they heard me? No. 🙄 Apparently they cannot comprehend something like this.

So, at one time, had a workplace outting that lasts overnight...

... I wanna try helmet diving.

And when I gotten there... My left side of my head hurt. Like something had stabbed me bloody.

I backed out, frustrated and literally hurt.

Told my boss about it.S he assumes it's panic and anxiety.

It's fricking pain, damnit. And the same fricking pain and frustration I had always had to wake up to for the last 25 years.

While planning to take decongestants and painkillers the next time I try helmet diving...

... It makes me think back.

What really caused my burnouts? Am I, this whole time, actually experiencing some form of chronic pain as well?

Everyone label it; me being moody, me having developmental delays, me getting bullied, me just not being fit.

And ignore the sneezing and all my complaints for this entire time. To them, it's just sneezing. It's just "this seasonal thing". That -- just take some meds for it and bear with it. 

How come I do as others who supposedly have said chronic condition; take their antihistamines, take their nasal sprays, do their nightly rituals, make their room dust free, avoid whatever... 

They mostly manage well and I don't?? I don't see anyone else in public having to carry towels to sneeze, or practically ever.

My main source of insecurity is ignored. Neglected. Because it's overshadowed by their assumptions.

If they do, all they give me are platitudes and unneeded assumption that all I need was assurance. 

I want solutions -- they thought it was unrealistic.

And wondered why I cannot trust people. Why I don't listen to them at all.

For the last 2 years since taking BCPs; how many times I've been right? 

I'm turning 30 soon, and I'm getting my reassessment. I don't care if I ever retain the same labels anymore. 

All I have left is mostly habits no thanks to coping with crap, and hormonal disruptors that can undo many things. And just dealing with how this body works.

I know my needs as a neurodivergent; but most of my life was spent coping with neglected stupid sensitive bodily crap; most of which are recently and accidentally solved by accident or a coincidence.

And people do not listen. Hell, and they even accused me of looking for illness. 

Turns out it is and it not born from anxiety, it's born from outright frustration from the disruptions from within.

People never had ever actually directly helped me as I intended. That all I rely is luck.

I don't care if I ever just take said medications my whole life. I never had anything reliable to consume, like most people, until now.

And unlike most people; I do not cope and move on. Either I'm stuck coping or no longer cope and move on.

People have assumptions. I do not fit those assumptions. And I was right.

Respiratory System Issues

Sigh... Of course, of course~ It's that season again! Where cold and flu is trendy!~ 

Except; I deal with upper respiratory flare ups for most of my waking life, random cough and cold once every 3 months or so, one of the 4 or 6 is bad enough to make me lose voice...

I fricking hate it.

Yes, the x-ray result is mine and not a random internet image placeholder. No, I didn't planned it or had been referred from any clinic to take an xray. It's a surprise.

For all I knew, this might be what I've been dealing almost every year. 

I had months and weeks,  wasted on coughing, fatigue and so forth.

I wasn't like this as a child. Except for crappy sniffles that bullied me more than anyone's reaction of oddities I have.

Barely anything like this as a teenager. With no provocations other than hormones and weather.

The frick just happened?? 

It's not like I had a sedentary life.

And, if I work out, I don't improve. I walk a lot and for hours a day sometimes.

But jog or run? Lungs will act as if it has asthma.

Lungs sometimes acts as if it has asthma because of weather and hormones, despite the lack of weekly stressors. It just happens.

COVID history? I'm asymptomatic. But vaccinated without side effects.

Still for most of my life, I have respiratory related issues. And I hate it. Breathing is almost never right for me to a point I cannot use it to meditate with it.

But the lungs are rarer occasion. I almost never had them as a kid. Rarely as a teenager. 

But as an adult?? Are adults supposedly have a more developed immune system?

It's almost always the nose to me. 

Usually it starts with something nasty or painful in my nose or whatever you call past near the uvula, and eventually goes down and spread into my lungs, whatever it is.

After waking up from those the day before, there come fever, weakness, cough, phlegm...

If there's no fever or weakness, I'll lose voice and had to bear with it for a week or so.

And I just fricking hate it.

I don't care if it's trendy or "normal". I hate it. It's not fair. Yes, I'm THAT entitled or whatever. I do not seek sympathy. Only rant.

And whatever emotionality I do doesn't solve this crap. It'll just happen again. For no apparent reason other than reasoning it's the weather.

This is a tropical country. Humid all year old, more humid at storm season with the comes and goes of hot and cold very quickly. 

And I'm not even living near any large body of water. This place ain't dry enough for me.

So this week I'm taking an antibiotic, an anti-asthma, a mucolytic, and a corticosteroid... Today is day 4 of taking said medications. The cough and breathing issues along with whatever this is, is day 7.

I hate taking anti-asthma medication.

I got prescribed to take it 3 times a day.

Per 2mg of the medication, I need like more than a glass worth of hydration supplement and 3+ worth of medium sized bananas. 

For me to stop as if my body feels restless and cramping.

The latter is too familiar. So fricking familiar, I don't want anything to do with it.

So potassium and electrolytes, eh? Body so stupid sensitive that the recommended bananas were just one per medication. Why does it take me trice to be well with it???

Like, I didn't tried earlier. 1 banana -- still shaking. 1 bananas after second dose of the day -- I just shake more. So 2 bananas; it's a bit ok but not enough.

Then 3? A bit fine. 4? Good.

But is that sustainable??? Of course not!

While I don't mind eating this much bananas, but really? 12 bananas throughout the day to a point that I'm skipping meals because I've been too full.

But this is just day 4 of treatment. I got like 3 days to go or so before getting reassessed.

Another majority of a month wasted on sickness. And this isn't the first time that it happened to me around February.

It already happened last year April.

It already happened last last year October.

If only my past tracking journals are more coherent than "not feeling well" and ranting of "not feeling like it" all week long, all year long than compared to scant few days that isn't.

Was it because I like to walk to work, antiperspirants ineffective and that I literally need a clothing change because being dried of sweat isn't good?

Or was it because of my humidity and cold  intolerance? Because that's what made my stupid non-allergic chronic rhinitis worse and practically unmanageable.

I enjoy outdoors. I like to walk.

Am I going to deprived myself of this because of this fricking body being fricking fragile?

I've been fighting for this crap.

And this is just one aspect of the chronic problem of existing in this body.

I already had enough with neediness.

Let alone sickness and illness and whatever preventive maintenance because of stupid vulnerability.

Being "easily sickly" is a very, very bothersome lifestyle to maintain. 

Take the statement in any other way, it's more true than not, regardless.