Routines, Schedules...

It's something I supposed to need.

But it's also something I want but...

Nope! Get interrupted from withiiiiinnnn~~~

Really, really tried it so hard to make it so...

Supposedly, I'm the kind that was built to cope by having routines.

But was unable to.

Why?

I don't have ADHD.

But I have so many head excuses, emotional hurdles and a lot of irrationally reasoned inconveniences.

By intentions and all the fancying, I want to be conscientious.

But the reality? I'm not. I just am not. And that frustrates the heck out of me.

Was it my household? That wasn't done at home at all. Was it the culture I grew up in? Not being punctual, very lose with the rules?

I'm aware that I'm not living as the same place as most people in the same space. They have their own rules and I have mine.

I wanted to follow the rules. Do things to the letter. But alas -- instead, what I had was a whimsical mischief, a rebellious grudge, an entitled exceptional and someone who even want nothing but defy her own basic needs and even her own humanity.

So -- struggling for having a routine for years. Crappy habits, poor self regulation, confusion and directionlessness followed.

Doesn't help that I suck at processing language but that's another time and another post...

Turns out I do had multiple interferences; it's just not outside of me.

Being a biological woman is one of my biggest interrupters. And I really am interrupted by it because every other week, the rules changes... And I cannot adjust that fast. Spent the majority of my adult life just being unable to keep up.

So I tried to predict it. I really did, tried to anticipated any possible changes.

But that did not work out. No. Every shift in any gears is a huge drainer to me it seems.

Constantly interrupted momentum, painful inertias... Until I took birth control pills.

Now that I don't have major hormonal interruptions anymore --

My next internal interruption is certain habits and patterns.

Spent too much time of reading fanfiction. Spent too much time listening and watching YouTube videos. Spent too much time reading and typing online...

And I had to break that, too. Oh no! That's more than one discreet tasks!

Then any external internalized stuff by seeing something or someone... Not being picky enough. 

It's like I have my own AI in my own head. And it was programmed on consuming more entertainment medium than learning, unlearning, relearning and practicing stuff that mattered.

Another layer is the possibility that I hadn't been completely recovered by specific types of burnouts -- but that's another time and another post to elaborate on that.

What's more -- the trickiness of 'how I work'. 

Must learn and get over the fact that I don't learn linearly. Like; step 1, step 2, step 3...

Nope. Step 1, step 10, step 5 helps step 7, step 2 preps step 4, go back to step 10, etc...

Even something as basic as time of eating and sleeping -- which is really the most basic of getting a routine.

Usually, my sleep schedule goes n24 (cycles that are more than 25 hrs or less than 23 hrs and it accumulates). Even with work, it did not out.

Eating, too -- turns out I have 3 types of hungry. One of them is the real hunger; the rest is something I had to contend with.

Then these basic inconsistencies is mostly gone. After my hormones are no longer going ups and downs, too... 

I finally had a stable day-lark ideal sleep schedule, and an eating time that I can instinctively tell. 

Because after taking the BCs, sensations, emotions and even hunger cues went weirder. 

Another story for another day -- or, piece it together yourself. I might be repeating this or referencing other details several times already throughout this blog.

But yeah... Stupid layers of prerequisites -- some of which is biological than mental or even behavioral. 

This much change, just for me to have a chance to have a real routine.

I still am not following my own attempt of making rules and planning daily activities.

But it's finally getting there. Slowly but surely.

Am I really just so slow to adjust even to myself?? It's frustrating still.

At least... Sleep also became less troublesome. Waking up also became way less painful. No more heavy arms, no more weird numbness on my right thigh...

It was so, especially after I stop being sick for few weeks of coughing.

Other than all that -- sickness, any emotions, any changes... I really tried to track all of these to anticipate.

But... It's... Meaningless. Tried to bullet journal, track them all via written logs or digitally... For years. I attempted to, and maybe that will change me; that every check, every tick would motivated me.

Instead I just because a serial notebook abandoner, installed and uninstalled apps... Tried my best to salvage the data I collected. 

In ADHD terms, it's called pivoting... As I said; I don't have ADHD. I call it fancying.

Just because I know it's coming... Doesn't mean I'd be 'prepared'. And even if I'm anticipating it and be 'prepared', it's this shift in the gear, past the conscious somewhere, where the rules suddenly changed.

Now, finally, I'm dealing with way less of that. Maybe I'd finally just drop it altogether.

I'll only track myself for the sake of my crappy memory. Patterns comes distant third -- it's over for me since constant self monitor did not work. 

Maybe useless now, since my internal rules changed in a semi-permanent and finally in a way more stable basis.

I cannot forget those few days at 5th grade; I want to wake up at 5:30am, take a bath to myself, dress myself while I wait my mom to cook food for me and take me to school...

... Only to be stopped by being creeped out on sleeping alone at one night. Frustrating.

Now that I remembered it; I barely recall ever having to list my schedule at school. At all. Only the order of subjects I had to take everyday. I only got a class schedule when I was at high school...

My binges are still here; the remnants of my worst years. The moments when I want the day to end.

Then when I had work, I want every day to end quickly; and to end an entirely week just as quickly...

Even during pandemic -- waiting the day to end. Maybe because, I want every phases to just end, hoping for a more stable self -- when it doesn't exists to me 'naturally'.

Now? Time is sort of... Slower now in a way that I don't want to waste it, yet faster in a way it mattered whenever someone ages.

My hormones are more stable thanks to getting lucky on BCs that started almost 2 months ago.

My body clock became more stable.

My hunger times is becoming more stable.

My schedules are also more stable.

Hopefully many more will follow.

Annoyance in Illness

I've spent a week dealing with some sort of cold. Then just before it was over, I got infected again.

My stupid nostrils is cursed. And it has been that way for most of my life.

And barely able to do anything about it.

Been hanging around downstairs in odd hours because the room I was forced to share with is too cold.

It's always the stupid cold. Especially when I'm asleep. Just what the heck is up with that???

When I had my own room, at least I was able to do something about my constant triggers over humidity by putting a disposable dry box. 

Then, actually replacing my bedsheets and curtains every week. I'm only an air purifier short from getting a dust free room.

But no.

After a year of figuring all that, instead my sister's boyfriend lives there.

Abruptly.

Now I'm forced to share a room. A room I cannot control. It's my mom's room. 

Do chores with it?? Uhh, no!

Those pile of clothes she had? No way I'm cleaning it. It meant enabling whatever unwanted habit she's been doing since I was a child. I refuse to 'do something about' that. I refuse to be used that way. Another story for another time, and it'll be a rant.

Then there's the bed. It was a queen sized bed instead of the double deck that was planned to be brought. Of course.

The bed was purchased on November.

Then the bed fell apart on January.

Then it was broken by the time it's February.

We didn't do any darn thing at it. We ain't even overweight.

It was recently fixed, few weeks ago.

But it was still very annoying.

Now moving on from the room; there's the climate, the weather, the temperature, then the presence of people.

When I was able to control the room, I was able to deduce that my stupid nose starts to act up around 6-8pm. 

Would had to wear a hoody over my head. Maybe a facemask too. If not, a earmuff and scarf combo... Though the earmuffs hurt.

And not something I'm allowed to go inside the mall with. Had to remove any of that in order to enter the premises.

And most malls are air-conditioned. It's not the humidity, it's the cold. Risk triggering myself just for a sliver of happy hour, back then after work.

The worst part is that I'm in a very humid country. And I'm triggered for about 99% at the time.

On top of that; I had to tease out between the 99% unwanted nonallergic chronic rhinitis default, from the others; bacterial infection, viral infection, full blown sinusitis.

There's getting feverish without the upper throat pain that resembles like tonsillitis. Usually happens whenever I wake up, likely from sheer exposure.

Then there's the actual tonsillitis. With too much mucus. It's hormonal. 

Then there's the abrupt endless sneezing before getting this tonsillitis alike pain that can descend into my throat and into my lungs. Then getting feverish.

Likely an infection from elsewhere.

Then there's the random swelling of the nose but no mucus or sneezing reflex. Just clogged out of nowhere. Just taking some decongestant nasal spray for me, hope that it does not give me head fog symptoms.

Then there's a dry mucus filled sinus that gives me painful headaches. Neti pot or a saline nasal spray might solve this, but it doesn't help anything else.

Sometimes I take antihistamines. But it only works 50% at the time. Because of having different causes.

This stupid nose is the reason why I get sick at all. And no one takes it seriously. It's stupid.

And if I had to be checked everything this nose acts up, I'd be flat broke! 

And it's also dismissed as normal. 

Yeah, like neigh unmanageable is "normal'; that just popping a pill or a spray would make it go away forever as if it's a simple case of allergic rhinitis.

IT IS NOT. AND IT WAS MEDICALLY CONFIRMED IT IS NOT. 

AFTER YEARS OF CALLING IT AN 'ALLERGY', IT IS NOT. I KNEW IT IS NOT.

I don't know when I'll have a chance to get a second opinion of possibly getting surgery as an option for this.

I don't know if I'm gambling a huge pay for potential long term relief at best, or the tiniest risk of empty nose syndrome at worst.

And I hadn't able to make routine maintenances over, yet. Especially since my body has no sense of night and day. 

Routines still do not work with me and habits are hard to form.

And I have a lot of unwanted habits out of... 'This' nuisance.

It's a constant annoyance. I wish I never inherited this cursed trait. I'd trade my IQ scores and talents just to get rid of this crap.

It's also more of a social embarrassment than being odd. Being odd, for me, can be a choice between being myself and weird or mask whatever. 

I cannot mask or avoid this... Disease. Because it's mostly unmanageable.

It's also loud, messy and disgusting. It's also rude, abrupt, sometimes painful and very stressful by itself.

It messes with my head more than the world did. It messes with my thinking. It already make a huge mess with my hearing. 

And for most of my life unable to appreciate a lot of things related to smell...

The one of the worst part is the dangerous assumptions that it's COVID. 

Yeah, I'm 'infected by COVID' for what, over 24+ years??? Stupid, stupid, stupid. 

And I'm also asymptomatic if I'm actually infected.

This... VERY PHYSICAL issue is my biggest bane in my life. 

More than whatever developmental screw ups I ended up with. I can make do with that.

Sensory issues; I can self accomodate. Or even able to avoid. 

Especially now that I figured how to tone down my internal sensitivities.

Unfortunately, nothing makes me 'less prone'. Save for having my own room; but NO.

It's the biggest genetic screw up over my quality of life. To a point I wish this lifetime is over so I don't have to deal with breathing issues.

But it's not cancer. Or a collapsed lung. Or fibromyalgia. Or even asthma. Or dangerous allergic reaction like anaphylaxis.

Yeah, this is one the reasons why I don't wish for a very long time.

And there are countless cases like mine, remain unsolved, not cured. 

And there's no focus on that, really. Because it's just 'sneezing'. 

When it's too hot...

 ... We stay indoors, eat something cold...

I used not to worry about this. Stupid aging.

There goes my daily walks around noon. Doesn't help that my sleep schedule is shifted into day-shift than nighttime night life.

Around this day, the heat index is all time high.

Air-conditioning and electric fan usage is on high.

So is the water bills.

I sort of miss paying water bills.

I used not to worry when it's hot. Because o deal with it better than cold.

So I was not like most people when it came to dealing with heat.

It's not a mere sensory issue. The cold is sometimes PAINFUL. It's like it's physical than something in mt head.

Heat exhaustion doesn't make me worry. Until... I no longer deal with cold intolerance. Had to learn to deal with heat like everyone else.

Yay for ice cream and iced orange juice!!!

Trips to the air-conditioned malls and venues... Pools and beaches!!!

EXCEPT...

Getting unlucky by getting sick due to changes of extreme weather. 

Usually in my case; it's sinus infection that feels like tonsillitis, only higher up my nose... Which can descend and infect my lungs as well.

No ice cream, no orange juice, no trips out, nope, nope. I'm too busy with phlegm, bodily aches and potential fever.

Sigh...

And even if I don't have any sickness anymore, I had to deal with... Body temperature. Hydration levels. 

Then there's two types of outdoor heat I deal with; the heavy humid and the dry hot kind. 

Former is NOT pleasant, may suffocate me and give me headaches. 

The latter feels like hot shower without showering and less chance of sweating.

I miss the latter. Screw the former.

I don't care if my skin gets burnt. Not that I ever experienced sunburn before.

Though... To be safe, I have some stock of sunblock. And unsure if I should cut corners with it because it's pricey.

Wouldn't be ideal if I could just be asleep all day long and wake up, go out at nighttime?

I wish.

That would require me a decent enough room. 

Else I'd be dealing with sweat and potential discomfort.

The stereotype here is that people here just take a bath 3 times a day.

Sorry. The budget here is a bit tight. Especially due to recent events. Another story for another day.

I'm also contemplating if I should get a shorter hair so I wouldn't bother with tying my hair and using conspicuous amount of conditioner... 

Or just let it be, get a trim or so. Usually, I do do haircuts until past Christmas. Another story for another post.

Really, other than the bodily changes due to birth control, related to blood pressure and body temperature...

There's my decision making; I don't ride trics and pay for it when I could just walk it in 10 minutes on foot.

Now I'm willing to make bargain.

Sigh... I don't like aging.

I don't care if I'd look older. I just had enough with feeling crappier, fussier and more sensitive as I age.

Enjoying Out

Summer is here from where I'm...

Yes, your typical go play in the water under the hot weather

Usually, when I go out, I need some sensory tools. So; earplugs, photochromic glasses, maybe a fidget ring or two... Comfortable clothing; weather appropriate, no tags, and nothing stupid like rips and holes.

But if I really want to enjoy it, I need more than that. Yes, I'm living in a fussy body.

I should be; not sleep deprived, not having my period, not angry, not bloated because I ate too much, not sick in any way, being able to breathe well, etc. Etc.

Else all my thoughts and feelings goes through dealing with whatever I'm feeling inside instead of enjoying what's in front of me.

That's usually how it is with me. That is... Until I figured a way to tone the internal stuff down. Well, most of it anyways.

It's easy to tone down external noise; you can hide from it. You can avoid it. You can just cover it all up like a cork to a bottle. Easy.

But the internal noise? Takes professionals. It goes towards the realms of the medical field; physical, mental health and emotional support.

So I had to deal with daily discomforts -- too prone to even 'normal everyday things' are not comfortable to me; not just my environment. Having to deal with that since childhood, but that's another story for another day.

For now; this is about me going out.

I'm dealing with some form of chronic idiopathic nonallergic rhinitis. Turns out one of my triggers is not simply irritants, but also my hormonal levels, how much water I drank, if I ate certain stuff... Etc. Ruins my whole day, even if I'm inside at home doing nothing.

Annoying.

Even more annoying as someone who is born with a female body. Which is a long story; but to make a long story short; it was an even bigger problem...

Thank goodness for birth control pills. I had the luck that the cheapest type basically solved my lifelong problem. Another post for another day.

So I had to go through all that -- just to enjoy going out.

Sometimes I can ignore that it exists and happened to carried away.

Too bad yesterday I was sleep deprived. But at least it was not as bad as the other days I went out... At least a nap fixed my, ehh, 'off-ness'.

Most of my trips are through RnRs. I hadn't had a lot of it even back when I go to school tours.

I hope someday I can just leave the city by myself, find a spot I can just go... Sometimes I do that; at the malls, at random seats by the market -- usually with my pen and mini-calendar notebook.

How I wish I can only just carry a wallet, phone, keys... Maybe exclude the phone, not much in the wallet, and a single key back at home.

Nope; I need some meds, a hankie incase I get those sneeze fests, some small notebooks in case I was not fast enough to write something down or had to write down and give it to someone... Or suddenly have an urge to draw. 

Always have the fancyism of the possibility that I wanna write a story, write an info, draw or sketch out; "just in case" or all the sudden -- of course, of course, like any fancyisms, it won't happen and thus having a pointless habit of carrying certain items 'just in case'. But as to why or what I bring is another story...

Usually, writing and thinking about some plan or list is conducive when I'm out at night over a cool breeze out...

But alas; I also had to learn how to feel safe and assured. This also means, privacy and being out in the open with something I won't mind getting lost or stolen.

Though, I know how to be reckless and daring. Even to a point of walking at midnight from work; which I did back when I was still working a lot of times to a point of worrying other people... Another story.

I don't actually like carrying things when going out. Having to mind items constantly so it won't get lost or stolen. Or, having to mind how I walk if I'm carrying something heavy; minding that I may broke it, drop it, etc. 

It's distracting. At least it's not as distracting minding that I'm with other people; though it's relevant to the topic that there's a good reason why I prefer to be alone. 

Overall, I like going out. I can just walk for hours end.

But for me to enjoy it; it takes painstaking self care and luck. 

And I suck at planning because I never trust myself to follow it through, never had a chance to practice and 'believe' it works. Someday it will change but that's another topic.

Not that I'm undermining any effort of any disabled folks who needs an even more immense amount of self-care just to do the basics and without the luxury of comfort or ease; but this isn't about them.

So I had another habit on top of going out; why go out without enjoying it?

I had a habit of walking for hours. Doesn't necessarily mean I'm in great shape; body is still not as efficient. Another story. Relevant; I can walk, rain or shine -- though age makes it a bit harder now.

I had a random habit of going out to buy stuff at the markets or groceries. Yet usually not in bulk or at least won't last a week.

Sure, I like the idea of stocking for an entire year of supplies -- but where I'm now is not suitable for something like that. Fancying, but at least I know deep down it's not feasible year,

So; does this mean I enjoy festivities whenever I'm out? Not necessarily. It's just another ritual. Doesn't matter how colorful or what the histories are.

But; free food is free food. Certain novel activities and uncommon merchandises may be interesting. Usually that's what I look forward to.

If not that; then the bare minimum of claiming that 'I was there'.

The Quiet Week

Why?

I prefer to call it The Quiet Week as opposed to Holy Week

It resonates with me that way. 

While I was born into the Catholic rituals and traditions... I'm not really a worshipper. To me, it's just rituals. It's just... Something others to do because history and beliefs and all that.

This cosy. And quiet. And peaceful.

The town is basically almost a ghost town.

Not that I mind. I had prepared the day before.

So a good portion of the week, no stupid loud live bands and no unnecessary broadcasts.

Except the poems and singing passions -- I don't get them. I cannot understand them. I have auditory processing issues. So to me they're just patterned noise.

At least it's not as disruptive as a live band.

And the only way to mess up my walks outside are the weather... Though the weather had gone weird lately.

I wish I still have my room; from the picture. It was taken sometime between Christmas Eve and New Year...

Well, I might as well have my own rituals, maybe related to how I'm, spiritually.

I don't do well with Religious Observations. Heck, I even skipped my aunt's funeral few days ago and only showed up at the last minute of the burial. Anything else is just noise, noise, noise. 

Though how I take death will be another story for another day.

This is about the quiet week.

While my mom's actively participating and collaborating with the religious occasions -- I'm just at home, enjoying the silence.

And if I ever have something remotely spiritual to go to; I'm better off with reminders than the word God itself.

This is a post personally typed and submitted by me; it's about some metaphor of God being in one's heart.

Here's my response:

I'm not specifically raised a Christian. And I'm not a devout Catholic.

Yet I do get what that meant somehow.

It feels like a tiny yet a bright spark than a hole in my chest. I knew and 'have' this as a child.

It's not hollow. There's nothing to be 'filled' in there.

There's nothing for me to 'accept' to fill it whole -- so there's no saviour for me to accept, there's no god for me to beg and satisfy it.

It is not derived from a person. It has no face, it has no name, it has no audible voice that I can imagine from it. Just light.

It's a subjective feeling and a somewhat knowing to me. Whatever this is, it's the very reason why I never, ever felt lonely...

Some can relate and understand, some cannot.

And projecting anything towards it would 'spoil' it.

And whatever it is, I do not worship it. I do not glorify it. I do not 'condemn' those who "don't have it".

It is wordless. It's more of a belief concept than whatever I picked up. It's not 'godly' in a sense of how most gods are portrayed.

It felt more like a really, really dear friend who will never judge you, or how a loving parent should feel like yet without the demanding and uneven dynamic between a traditional parent and a child, or this childhood thing that you love so much that you'd trust all your secrets to it.

It whispers of good things.

Forgiveness, true empathy, humbleness, emotional resolve and courage, prosocial ideas, sometimes wisdom, etc...

Things any child should be exposed of and safely express. Things that no one taught or often shown me in this physical existence.

Not my family, not school... No one. Any attempts just confuses me.

The longer I acknowledge this feeling, the calmer and safer everything felt...

Yet like most humans with an ego, I do not listen to it. Or even 'hear' it all the time.

Because it's silly. Or irrational.

And getting caught up with this world existing with the thoughts and feelings, along with the stress and the environmental distractions left me not much room or time for it.

Not this... Ritual and projections or whatever. That even feels rigid and demanding.

No one explicitly taught me this. Especially as a child when sermons and lectures are just noises.

Going to the church won't let me access this light. Going to a sermon won't give me time and processing.

I get better luck with meditation and reminders.

So yeah.

I do sort of have a 'relationship' with this feeling, if one calls it that. It's neutral at worst. And because of stupid EF issues, sometimes I just forget it exists.

It always exists in this all encompassing background.

The same way I have a serious hate relationship with my sympathetic nervous system for dragging my development down, for it's inability to regulate and whenever it's triggered an unwanted memory at the wrong time and place.

Anyways.

I don't read the Bible.

Partially because my verbal abilities are that bad and a lot of sayings just confuses the heck out of me.

Partially I do not trust the popular translations in English. And I basically understand nothing when it's translated to my native language.

Really, 'commandments'? And not well, 'sayings'?

I'll consider reading if there's a more faithful translation that can actually translate the ancient contexts.

Not agendas about how women are inferior or how humans should be obedient and submit to whatever.

Feeling or not...

I'm just not drawn to most ways religions are taking itself a bit too seriously. 

Sometimes I read it from time to time. To recall it.

Might be why I know how to compose a living breathing prayer. But that's another post in another time.

I'm not an atheist. I'm not particularly religious. I don't have what constitutes as a religious belief; just assumptions. And feelings.

I don't have a particular opinion over the Holy Week in my country. Nothing about the story of Jesus and how he died and resurrected. Nothing about other people reenacting his last moments as said by the bible, or if it's becoming more secular or not...

It's just another ritual to me. Like how I have to watch a foreign custom and 'respect' it by mimicking behaviors or ask some itinerary of whatever holiday.

In any other case;

Enjoy Quiet Week of this country.