It's a frustrating thing, you see...
There came a thought, and it was a good idea.
At the time, "confident" that I'd remember such a good idea.
Only to find that it's no longer there.
Frustrated, like how it is frustrating the feeling that you want to say something but it's at the tip of your tongue.
It's an issue I've been having trouble fixing.
I carry a pen and paper around me. And I always have my phone.
Yet I cannot seem to make the habit to write those ideas down.
Why?
Maybe it's this lingering childhood habit that I cannot let go because as a child, my memory was great.
As I grow older... It just becomes less and less reliable...
And I'm not even 30 yet!
But I can feel it -- year by year. I can sense this subtle downgrade since age 15, slowly and surely accumulating negatives in me.
I don't think it's normal. Or a sign that it's your everyday aging. Something is just wrong.
I tried to compensate with that -- only for the habit not to stick.
Kept forgetting, kept being 'arrogant' or whatever.
As if I cannot learn. And it's been so, so long.
It's like those weeks -- great days, I built up over the course of few weeks.
Only to be all gone. And not being able to pick up from where I left off.
And even if I did have a record -- the motivation is no longer there. It's as if I cannot adapt.
I used to fear forgetting things.
Until it became too much -- and I was so young at the time.
Until something colder; yes, bouts of depression came, but back then it did not stick.
Now as an adult, it's trapping me into unwanted places.
Not only ideas, but also the things I already learned.
It's not burn out or some form of regression. It's not "out of practice" either... It's not real depression either -- else it doesn't feel like some inconsistent cycle that's coincidentally went bad at puberty, interfered and exacerbated by hormonal cycles.
But I'm losing... "Prerequisites." It's something I already knew, I already done -- and like a carpet rug being pulled under me... No longer accessible until it came again.
But my head is dumb.
"Fancyisms" that I'm still this reliable person in my head, which resonates when it happens -- yet no longer.
Frustrating. Why can I not just let go??
When I feel like myself more, I get so many ideas. See all the possibilities, being able to think forwardly, dreaming and hoping of freedom, of independence as to how I will live my life.
THEN it's gone. Like some false hope, being baited by my own head or body or whatever this is.
I mentioned before; my short term memory sucks.
Whatever I had initially, which is below average, was somehow just enough. Could afford to just be content with that.
But whatever I had less than I had initially is not, I cannot adapt to it.
"Hoping" there is this me, buried beneath this unreliable character. And I just cannot let it go.
Sometimes I managed to write it down.
Then forget what I wrote. Or that list even exists.
The point of list is to remember -- but what will you do if you don't remember the list exists?
No, I don't have ADHD.
I have executive dysfunctions that I'm not supposed to be having. And I hate it so much.
The worst part is that the habit requires to interrupt myself, pause and write it down.
But I don't do that. That costs me; to shift gears for the sake of 'recalling' -- and it's not even a guaranteed thing.
Sigh.
This is a pathetic post.
Likely one of the many rants and one of the many whinings to come.
So I do not have the energy to shift gears, so take urgency?
"DO IT NOW!!!" Like some sort of sprint.
Actually, it's detrimental too -- no room to decern if it's a good idea, no room for pros and cons, no room to judge if it's relevant.
There is no pause button. Not even the list -- the list is not taken as a 'save button'. It's either now or never-maybes again in another random time and place.
Oh, and I ever suck at this mental sprint. The road disappears before something great happens.
I was not always like this.
And I might as well repeat that phase.
Something is wrong.
And I might as well repeat that phase.
It's a stupid cycle.
May rant-elaborate someday...
The thought of this just... Pisses me sometimes. Among other thoughts that rings in my head and pisses me off. Which is, well, not yet on the level of writing I have yet... Or, I don't have the prerequisite at the moment.
I don't like these fluctuations.
I don't like these inconsistencies.
And I cannot adapt to it. And every time I tried -- it's as good as those fleeing ideas.