What's the reason why I hadn't written anything in this blog?
I forgot? Maybe, because, I spent it on screentime or more stories even though I don't need it anymore. It's just a silly stupid habit I need to unlearn after basically over 2 decades of doing the same stupid actions over and over.
Basically, nothing.
This is just a random picture of a 15+ or so feet tall cactus.
"Update at least once a week" I say on a forum signature???
NOPE!!
And I hate this stupid pattern of 'inability to commit'.
No, I don't have ADHD or something like that. Sure, I got executive dysfunction but it's not ADHD...
I confirmed it isn't. That ADHD like symptoms? It's just the emotional nuisance since I was 5. And this particular issue got nothing to do with it.
Just this stupid inability to commit. And be consistent.
I forget said commitments. Because, excuses; because, because, because reason. Doesn't matter what it is.
How I wish I can just be gentle with myself or something??? But this pattern is...
I just don't like this pattern.
It's like... "I wanna pay for a 5 year worth insurance!" Would that give me an incentive to get a job and pay? At best that will make me feel like an adult for a moment.
Even give me like 5 or so months to get a job and finally pay it for myself --
NO.
Even if I replace 'insurance' with 'rent', the outcomes the same.
It's stupid, really.
Heck, my savings do not moved up since the pandemic.
But this ain't about money. It's about certainty and being guaranteed for me to be able to do and therefore keep...
How I wish this is just a luck issue, but no. The main problem is still in me.
I just don't understand it.
It's not like I'm afraid to take risks. Heck, I'm plenty of reckless myself, but...
I don't want to regret things.
I had enough with... Indecision.
Or entering a new hell after exiting another.
Well, it's not like I'm in an abusive relationship or somewhere unsafe but...
I want to be self reliant. I want my own life. I want to be a captain of my own ship.
It's one thing for me to be able to keep up with promises, but it's an entirely different matter when contracts and legalities are involved.
It's like... I hate contracts.
I get the point but something deep within me just... Do not agree well with it. Always.
But I'm heck sure I wasn't always like this.
When I was a child -- I can just will it; have a perfect attendance, pass all quizzes and write all the lectures, complete an entire game 100% including secrets, master a specific crafting technique...
But I no longer do. Even with things I want to do.
Might as well sign up a class and pay my entire savings -- but no, not even sunk-cost fallacy can convince me.
At first maybe because of my full time work. But now I don't work as much but -- I stop playing games, I stop pursuing certain skills or knowledge.
I just stop.
I want it back.
Whatever I had in my childhood -- I want it back.
I want that 'I have my sights into it and do everything to accomplish it' back into my life.
I thought being an adult meant doing the very same thing will be easier? WHY IS IT HARDER?!
It's not like I have other responsibilities.
Other than this... 'Self'. Ugh.