Annoyance in Illness

I've spent a week dealing with some sort of cold. Then just before it was over, I got infected again.

My stupid nostrils is cursed. And it has been that way for most of my life.

And barely able to do anything about it.

Been hanging around downstairs in odd hours because the room I was forced to share with is too cold.

It's always the stupid cold. Especially when I'm asleep. Just what the heck is up with that???

When I had my own room, at least I was able to do something about my constant triggers over humidity by putting a disposable dry box. 

Then, actually replacing my bedsheets and curtains every week. I'm only an air purifier short from getting a dust free room.

But no.

After a year of figuring all that, instead my sister's boyfriend lives there.

Abruptly.

Now I'm forced to share a room. A room I cannot control. It's my mom's room. 

Do chores with it?? Uhh, no!

Those pile of clothes she had? No way I'm cleaning it. It meant enabling whatever unwanted habit she's been doing since I was a child. I refuse to 'do something about' that. I refuse to be used that way. Another story for another time, and it'll be a rant.

Then there's the bed. It was a queen sized bed instead of the double deck that was planned to be brought. Of course.

The bed was purchased on November.

Then the bed fell apart on January.

Then it was broken by the time it's February.

We didn't do any darn thing at it. We ain't even overweight.

It was recently fixed, few weeks ago.

But it was still very annoying.

Now moving on from the room; there's the climate, the weather, the temperature, then the presence of people.

When I was able to control the room, I was able to deduce that my stupid nose starts to act up around 6-8pm. 

Would had to wear a hoody over my head. Maybe a facemask too. If not, a earmuff and scarf combo... Though the earmuffs hurt.

And not something I'm allowed to go inside the mall with. Had to remove any of that in order to enter the premises.

And most malls are air-conditioned. It's not the humidity, it's the cold. Risk triggering myself just for a sliver of happy hour, back then after work.

The worst part is that I'm in a very humid country. And I'm triggered for about 99% at the time.

On top of that; I had to tease out between the 99% unwanted nonallergic chronic rhinitis default, from the others; bacterial infection, viral infection, full blown sinusitis.

There's getting feverish without the upper throat pain that resembles like tonsillitis. Usually happens whenever I wake up, likely from sheer exposure.

Then there's the actual tonsillitis. With too much mucus. It's hormonal. 

Then there's the abrupt endless sneezing before getting this tonsillitis alike pain that can descend into my throat and into my lungs. Then getting feverish.

Likely an infection from elsewhere.

Then there's the random swelling of the nose but no mucus or sneezing reflex. Just clogged out of nowhere. Just taking some decongestant nasal spray for me, hope that it does not give me head fog symptoms.

Then there's a dry mucus filled sinus that gives me painful headaches. Neti pot or a saline nasal spray might solve this, but it doesn't help anything else.

Sometimes I take antihistamines. But it only works 50% at the time. Because of having different causes.

This stupid nose is the reason why I get sick at all. And no one takes it seriously. It's stupid.

And if I had to be checked everything this nose acts up, I'd be flat broke! 

And it's also dismissed as normal. 

Yeah, like neigh unmanageable is "normal'; that just popping a pill or a spray would make it go away forever as if it's a simple case of allergic rhinitis.

IT IS NOT. AND IT WAS MEDICALLY CONFIRMED IT IS NOT. 

AFTER YEARS OF CALLING IT AN 'ALLERGY', IT IS NOT. I KNEW IT IS NOT.

I don't know when I'll have a chance to get a second opinion of possibly getting surgery as an option for this.

I don't know if I'm gambling a huge pay for potential long term relief at best, or the tiniest risk of empty nose syndrome at worst.

And I hadn't able to make routine maintenances over, yet. Especially since my body has no sense of night and day. 

Routines still do not work with me and habits are hard to form.

And I have a lot of unwanted habits out of... 'This' nuisance.

It's a constant annoyance. I wish I never inherited this cursed trait. I'd trade my IQ scores and talents just to get rid of this crap.

It's also more of a social embarrassment than being odd. Being odd, for me, can be a choice between being myself and weird or mask whatever. 

I cannot mask or avoid this... Disease. Because it's mostly unmanageable.

It's also loud, messy and disgusting. It's also rude, abrupt, sometimes painful and very stressful by itself.

It messes with my head more than the world did. It messes with my thinking. It already make a huge mess with my hearing. 

And for most of my life unable to appreciate a lot of things related to smell...

The one of the worst part is the dangerous assumptions that it's COVID. 

Yeah, I'm 'infected by COVID' for what, over 24+ years??? Stupid, stupid, stupid. 

And I'm also asymptomatic if I'm actually infected.

This... VERY PHYSICAL issue is my biggest bane in my life. 

More than whatever developmental screw ups I ended up with. I can make do with that.

Sensory issues; I can self accomodate. Or even able to avoid. 

Especially now that I figured how to tone down my internal sensitivities.

Unfortunately, nothing makes me 'less prone'. Save for having my own room; but NO.

It's the biggest genetic screw up over my quality of life. To a point I wish this lifetime is over so I don't have to deal with breathing issues.

But it's not cancer. Or a collapsed lung. Or fibromyalgia. Or even asthma. Or dangerous allergic reaction like anaphylaxis.

Yeah, this is one the reasons why I don't wish for a very long time.

And there are countless cases like mine, remain unsolved, not cured. 

And there's no focus on that, really. Because it's just 'sneezing'. 

When it's too hot...

 ... We stay indoors, eat something cold...

I used not to worry about this. Stupid aging.

There goes my daily walks around noon. Doesn't help that my sleep schedule is shifted into day-shift than nighttime night life.

Around this day, the heat index is all time high.

Air-conditioning and electric fan usage is on high.

So is the water bills.

I sort of miss paying water bills.

I used not to worry when it's hot. Because o deal with it better than cold.

So I was not like most people when it came to dealing with heat.

It's not a mere sensory issue. The cold is sometimes PAINFUL. It's like it's physical than something in mt head.

Heat exhaustion doesn't make me worry. Until... I no longer deal with cold intolerance. Had to learn to deal with heat like everyone else.

Yay for ice cream and iced orange juice!!!

Trips to the air-conditioned malls and venues... Pools and beaches!!!

EXCEPT...

Getting unlucky by getting sick due to changes of extreme weather. 

Usually in my case; it's sinus infection that feels like tonsillitis, only higher up my nose... Which can descend and infect my lungs as well.

No ice cream, no orange juice, no trips out, nope, nope. I'm too busy with phlegm, bodily aches and potential fever.

Sigh...

And even if I don't have any sickness anymore, I had to deal with... Body temperature. Hydration levels. 

Then there's two types of outdoor heat I deal with; the heavy humid and the dry hot kind. 

Former is NOT pleasant, may suffocate me and give me headaches. 

The latter feels like hot shower without showering and less chance of sweating.

I miss the latter. Screw the former.

I don't care if my skin gets burnt. Not that I ever experienced sunburn before.

Though... To be safe, I have some stock of sunblock. And unsure if I should cut corners with it because it's pricey.

Wouldn't be ideal if I could just be asleep all day long and wake up, go out at nighttime?

I wish.

That would require me a decent enough room. 

Else I'd be dealing with sweat and potential discomfort.

The stereotype here is that people here just take a bath 3 times a day.

Sorry. The budget here is a bit tight. Especially due to recent events. Another story for another day.

I'm also contemplating if I should get a shorter hair so I wouldn't bother with tying my hair and using conspicuous amount of conditioner... 

Or just let it be, get a trim or so. Usually, I do do haircuts until past Christmas. Another story for another post.

Really, other than the bodily changes due to birth control, related to blood pressure and body temperature...

There's my decision making; I don't ride trics and pay for it when I could just walk it in 10 minutes on foot.

Now I'm willing to make bargain.

Sigh... I don't like aging.

I don't care if I'd look older. I just had enough with feeling crappier, fussier and more sensitive as I age.

Fleeing Ideas...

It's a frustrating thing, you see...

There came a thought, and it was a good idea.

At the time, "confident" that I'd remember such a good idea.

Only to find that it's no longer there.

Frustrated, like how it is frustrating the feeling that you want to say something but it's at the tip of your tongue.

It's an issue I've been having trouble fixing.

I carry a pen and paper around me. And I always have my phone.

Yet I cannot seem to make the habit to write those ideas down.

Why?

Maybe it's this lingering childhood habit that I cannot let go because as a child, my memory was great.

As I grow older... It just becomes less and less reliable...

And I'm not even 30 yet!

But I can feel it -- year by year. I can sense this subtle downgrade since age 15, slowly and surely accumulating negatives in me.

I don't think it's normal. Or a sign that it's your everyday aging. Something is just wrong.

I tried to compensate with that -- only for the habit not to stick.

Kept forgetting, kept being 'arrogant' or whatever.

As if I cannot learn. And it's been so, so long.

It's like those weeks -- great days, I built up over the course of few weeks.

Only to be all gone. And not being able to pick up from where I left off.

And even if I did have a record -- the motivation is no longer there. It's as if I cannot adapt.

I used to fear forgetting things.

Until it became too much -- and I was so young at the time.

Until something colder; yes, bouts of depression came, but back then it did not stick.

Now as an adult, it's trapping me into unwanted places.

Not only ideas, but also the things I already learned.

It's not burn out or some form of regression. It's not "out of practice" either... It's not real depression either -- else it doesn't feel like some inconsistent cycle that's coincidentally went bad at puberty, interfered and exacerbated by hormonal cycles.

But I'm losing... "Prerequisites." It's something I already knew, I already done -- and like a carpet rug being pulled under me... No longer accessible until it came again.

But my head is dumb.

"Fancyisms" that I'm still this reliable person in my head, which resonates when it happens -- yet no longer.

Frustrating. Why can I not just let go??

When I feel like myself more, I get so many ideas. See all the possibilities, being able to think forwardly, dreaming and hoping of freedom, of independence as to how I will live my life.

THEN it's gone. Like some false hope, being baited by my own head or body or whatever this is.

I mentioned before; my short term memory sucks.

Whatever I had initially, which is below average, was somehow just enough. Could afford to just be content with that.

But whatever I had less than I had initially is not, I cannot adapt to it.

"Hoping" there is this me, buried beneath this unreliable character. And I just cannot let it go.

Sometimes I managed to write it down.

Then forget what I wrote. Or that list even exists.

The point of list is to remember -- but what will you do if you don't remember the list exists?

No, I don't have ADHD. 

I have executive dysfunctions that I'm not supposed to be having. And I hate it so much.

The worst part is that the habit requires to interrupt myself, pause and write it down.

But I don't do that. That costs me; to shift gears for the sake of 'recalling' -- and it's not even a guaranteed thing.

Sigh.

This is a pathetic post.

Likely one of the many rants and one of the many whinings to come.

So I do not have the energy to shift gears, so take urgency?

"DO IT NOW!!!" Like some sort of sprint.

Actually, it's detrimental too -- no room to decern if it's a good idea, no room for pros and cons, no room to judge if it's relevant.

There is no pause button. Not even the list -- the list is not taken as a 'save button'. It's either now or never-maybes again in another random time and place.

Oh, and I ever suck at this mental sprint. The road disappears before something great happens.

I was not always like this.

And I might as well repeat that phase.

Something is wrong.

And I might as well repeat that phase.

It's a stupid cycle.

May rant-elaborate someday...

The thought of this just... Pisses me sometimes. Among other thoughts that rings in my head and pisses me off. Which is, well, not yet on the level of writing I have yet... Or, I don't have the prerequisite at the moment.

I don't like these fluctuations.

I don't like these inconsistencies.

And I cannot adapt to it. And every time I tried -- it's as good as those fleeing ideas.