I long lived in a cacophony of internal states.
No, it's not my imaginary inner world where I be who I wanna be.
It's more like a stupid loop, a cycle. But that's just how the head works.
I think there are at least 3 layers of internal judgment...
1st layer is how you feel about your emotions (meta emotions).
2nd layer is whatever your brain or subconscious cooks up or perceive (which is emotions that are less voluntary yet aware of it).
And then there's the 3rd layer where you can say where The Body Keeps the Score (in which the emotions are not within the conscious) that can be hidden by the second layer.
Maybe there's more and beyond, far and in-between.
But I ain't a psychologist, neurologist nor a mystic with absurd internal sensitivity, discernment and regulation of it all.
It's a nuisance. Emotional processing.
The funny thing is that I've searched the net to see which techniques could've helped me.
And I find none.
There should be some sort of guide of how to rule out what before jumping to some sort of self diagnosis other than 'it is relatable' or how resonating the label is or the people's accounts on how they experience with the label.
The best thing I can describe my case is that this stressful existence -- even though my life is very easy, actually stress free. Save from my chronic sneezing...
Anyone can easily mistaken that I have anxiety issues. I don't.
Or dismiss this uncomfortable heavy feeling in my body as some sort of direct or indirect part of my neurodivergence. I knew better than that.
Usually this is my plan; provided that --
I have enough documentation on how I should go about it. There's symptoms and then there's ruling out possibilities; in order -- physical, hormonal, and then mental.
I have the finances.
I have the communication skills. I have the composure so doctors won't conclude it's all in my head at the first phases which is rulling out blood work and the physical.
Then if said doctors can comprehend the contexts of neurodiversity and women's health...
Nah -- not in my case. My first attempt is an utter failure because I'm too emotional. Wasted my money on a consultation.
I hate it. So much.
Frick that doctor and her tone policying. If I have a real choice, I would've walked out without paying because she did not do a jack.
Since I cannot rule out blood work in a single visit -- because I don't have the money to attempt 'doctor shopping'...
I just want to be a healthier neurodivergent female, damnit -- not an unhealthy neurotypical.
Why not just DIY this? I have all the internal sensitivities, only I have the knowledge of my own history and where my priority lies.
Again, I ain't a doctor. I can't even perform a simple dietary change on myself.
Well, if I were going to be a biohacker, I would've had a lot of biofeedback instruments and the funds to try everything under the sun -- and most of all, lack of picky eating and 'consistency'.
I don't have any of that. Not even my body.
"Screw it!" I say. I'm already 28, past the age of being a 'young woman' yet to adjust from puberty and all responsibilities of a young adult or be capable of simple changes.
I'm done "waiting" for me to "outgrow" this nuisance when it doesn't come.
One day, I just walked into a pharmacy and brought a box of birth control pills over the counter.
Yes, prescription for hormonal contraceptives is not mandatory from where I came from.
The result? It was fantastic! And I was so, so lucky because I'm aware that the effects can be different for everyone. Mine was mostly positive.
It got rid of a particular layer -- which was the stressful heavy like feeling...
Suddenly, everything became easier.
But this also means that I had to adjust to the change and it did take a while. I still do.
My metabolism changed.
Effects of coffee for me went from zero benefit and only side effects; taking it only for taste, lived with said side effects for years and quit coffee for years -- to how it was intended to be which is a stimulant.
One month wasted on coughing fits later -- I tried and tested depressants.
It doesn't do much. At least it doesn't give me jetlag like symptoms. And yet, it doesn't help me sleep.
Yet...
Instead it made me able to reach deeper within.
And with that I now have a more direct access to my emotions and somewhere in my head.
Few weeks later, without the internal noise and extra estrogen for my executive function; I was able to self-therapize myself.
Melatonin won't be a sleeping aide for me, but it will certainly be a tool for me.
Come 10 or so weeks after, I ended up with a common side effect of taking birth control pills continuously without taking the placebo; it's called 'Breakthrough Bleeding'.
It was a literal pain. Mine happened to be as bad as any period. It's tiring to deal with it.
Meaning I would had to take a week long break from taking BCs for a while.
And this is my chance to see which is the main source of my dysfunction --
Was it the emotional nuisance complex hidden by brain power draining coping mechanism, or low levels of estrogen...?
May update in another post.
For now, I'm testing myself by being back temporary to my old work once a week on part time until I'm no longer needed.
To see the contrasts.
But I won't be planning on staying nor return full time. Full time work isn't simply for me -- I will find different ways to earn income. For another post, another story.