Had a really busy few weeks.
I wish it's as simple as just being busy -- by busy, actually doing something.
Some would know about multiple roles theory but... By biggest hindrance remains to balance the plate of existing as a human.
But sure -- I have limited spoons despite being, well, habitually active and somehow fit.
Except, no. I'm not healthy. Internally that is. Also no, I'm not self diagnosing. I just want to end everything that makes me lag as if I have chronic illness.
No, I don't have a diagnosable chronic illness except chronic sinusitis rhinitis. And no one takes that seriously.
I do have a chronic sleep issue out of it though underdiagnosed -- but nah, they'd blame it on my neurodivergence.
Nevermind my family history; my paternal line has crappy metabolism. My stronger and more resilient maternal line can only give me so much allowance.
Sleep enough? I got to tease my cause of sleep issue -- there are at least several:
Let's see... If I couldn't breathe through my nose all night and unable to ignore that, actually sneezing on ungodly hours for hours nonstop, and unable to just breathe through my mouth because it's irritating and it can hurt if the room is too cold.
But that's just the respiratory system. If I ate dinner too early or too late, or took certain foods at certain amount; so, bloating, nausea, hyperacidity, diarrhea or constipation...
Anything else is definately neurological; non-stop thoughts both good, bad, and very often distracting despite not spending on screentime for few days straight since I was that busy... Certain aches, certain temperatures, certain sensations, certain positions, certain sensory craving or overwhelm...
And that's just sleep.
The rest is semi-voluntary or flat out voluntary, which I did for most of my childhood and teenage years.
I WISH I can just ignore 'self' like I did during those times. Go to point A to B, no excuses. Do XYZ that I like, no excuses.
Now? When I'm older, no less -- I get too many excuses in my head.
I'm too busy resting, 'taking care of myself', whatever. It's causing me to miss schedules, skipping sleep (because waking up is very unpredictable) or not do anything at all.
Back to the topic of multiple roles; I have a few. Sometimes at home, sometimes at some hall, sometimes at my old workplace, sometimes at my relatives.
It wasn't that stressful. It's not like I'm working full time and overtime.
No. That's not the problem at all. On contrary... It suited me more than having a stable schedule.
... A stable schedule. It would've been a preference but... NOPE!!!
So far, a 'consistent' life never happens to me. And I'm not talking about your everyday ups and downs in life.
I can have the most precise and lenient schedule and still not satisfied.
Why??? Because this damn body is not so predictable. I thought birth control pills would fix that, but no!!..
At least I ended the stupid story out of it.
But still! I'm 'slow to adjust' towards whatever's internal still.
And predicting myself doesn't help. Years of trying so, still failed.
I'm not sick, so why I could barely do part time job?? If I blame it on my neurodivergence, that's like blaming the car for lacking it's fuel.
I need more 'fuel'. To afford the things I want to do in this life. Or at least, a way of how I would like in this life.
But the reality? Not everyone can be all they can be. And I hate it.
I can technically afford going jobless and with zero responsibilities. Really. A life without external struggle. And still feel miserable because there's no internal fix and no excuses.
I hate internal work. I don't care whether I'm good at it or not, I hate it. I hate it that it costs me so much of my time and energy.
A break? I already have too many breaks. If I take a break from few hours of work, I may not able to transition back to working. Nope! It depends on 'what I feel'.
Still not satisfied or feel like in control. I want more.
I want a life of living being able to take at least few roles, actually participating in several aspects of life.
But I don't have chronic illness. And I already stretched so many ways on how I adapt to my own neurodivergence.
My body is being dramatic. I want a more efficient body. I want a more consistent mind. I want a regulated senses and emotions.
I don't want a life of not doing anything.
I don't like a life of helplessness, cluelessness...
If roles have multiple plates... It's usually assumed that all plates created equal. Family, friends, job, health, other...
It's not.
Not from my point of view.
I'm forced to focus on myself like someone with chronic illness and I'm easily accused as flaky or selfish. And I'm sick of myself.
I know, somewhere there will be a solution to this. I'm not stopping until I reach an age when it's usually appropriate to retire.
As long as I'm dealing with... 'This'... I won't be wishing for a longer life than intended.
Also, no, I'm not suicidal.
I'm just... Stressed out and bored. Understimulated and just easily overstimulated in attempt to quell that. A stupid fricking trap.
Just like my sleeping issues.