Routines, Schedules...

It's something I supposed to need.

But it's also something I want but...

Nope! Get interrupted from withiiiiinnnn~~~

Really, really tried it so hard to make it so...

Supposedly, I'm the kind that was built to cope by having routines.

But was unable to.

Why?

I don't have ADHD.

But I have so many head excuses, emotional hurdles and a lot of irrationally reasoned inconveniences.

By intentions and all the fancying, I want to be conscientious.

But the reality? I'm not. I just am not. And that frustrates the heck out of me.

Was it my household? That wasn't done at home at all. Was it the culture I grew up in? Not being punctual, very lose with the rules?

I'm aware that I'm not living as the same place as most people in the same space. They have their own rules and I have mine.

I wanted to follow the rules. Do things to the letter. But alas -- instead, what I had was a whimsical mischief, a rebellious grudge, an entitled exceptional and someone who even want nothing but defy her own basic needs and even her own humanity.

So -- struggling for having a routine for years. Crappy habits, poor self regulation, confusion and directionlessness followed.

Doesn't help that I suck at processing language but that's another time and another post...

Turns out I do had multiple interferences; it's just not outside of me.

Being a biological woman is one of my biggest interrupters. And I really am interrupted by it because every other week, the rules changes... And I cannot adjust that fast. Spent the majority of my adult life just being unable to keep up.

So I tried to predict it. I really did, tried to anticipated any possible changes.

But that did not work out. No. Every shift in any gears is a huge drainer to me it seems.

Constantly interrupted momentum, painful inertias... Until I took birth control pills.

Now that I don't have major hormonal interruptions anymore --

My next internal interruption is certain habits and patterns.

Spent too much time of reading fanfiction. Spent too much time listening and watching YouTube videos. Spent too much time reading and typing online...

And I had to break that, too. Oh no! That's more than one discreet tasks!

Then any external internalized stuff by seeing something or someone... Not being picky enough. 

It's like I have my own AI in my own head. And it was programmed on consuming more entertainment medium than learning, unlearning, relearning and practicing stuff that mattered.

Another layer is the possibility that I hadn't been completely recovered by specific types of burnouts -- but that's another time and another post to elaborate on that.

What's more -- the trickiness of 'how I work'. 

Must learn and get over the fact that I don't learn linearly. Like; step 1, step 2, step 3...

Nope. Step 1, step 10, step 5 helps step 7, step 2 preps step 4, go back to step 10, etc...

Even something as basic as time of eating and sleeping -- which is really the most basic of getting a routine.

Usually, my sleep schedule goes n24 (cycles that are more than 25 hrs or less than 23 hrs and it accumulates). Even with work, it did not out.

Eating, too -- turns out I have 3 types of hungry. One of them is the real hunger; the rest is something I had to contend with.

Then these basic inconsistencies is mostly gone. After my hormones are no longer going ups and downs, too... 

I finally had a stable day-lark ideal sleep schedule, and an eating time that I can instinctively tell. 

Because after taking the BCs, sensations, emotions and even hunger cues went weirder. 

Another story for another day -- or, piece it together yourself. I might be repeating this or referencing other details several times already throughout this blog.

But yeah... Stupid layers of prerequisites -- some of which is biological than mental or even behavioral. 

This much change, just for me to have a chance to have a real routine.

I still am not following my own attempt of making rules and planning daily activities.

But it's finally getting there. Slowly but surely.

Am I really just so slow to adjust even to myself?? It's frustrating still.

At least... Sleep also became less troublesome. Waking up also became way less painful. No more heavy arms, no more weird numbness on my right thigh...

It was so, especially after I stop being sick for few weeks of coughing.

Other than all that -- sickness, any emotions, any changes... I really tried to track all of these to anticipate.

But... It's... Meaningless. Tried to bullet journal, track them all via written logs or digitally... For years. I attempted to, and maybe that will change me; that every check, every tick would motivated me.

Instead I just because a serial notebook abandoner, installed and uninstalled apps... Tried my best to salvage the data I collected. 

In ADHD terms, it's called pivoting... As I said; I don't have ADHD. I call it fancying.

Just because I know it's coming... Doesn't mean I'd be 'prepared'. And even if I'm anticipating it and be 'prepared', it's this shift in the gear, past the conscious somewhere, where the rules suddenly changed.

Now, finally, I'm dealing with way less of that. Maybe I'd finally just drop it altogether.

I'll only track myself for the sake of my crappy memory. Patterns comes distant third -- it's over for me since constant self monitor did not work. 

Maybe useless now, since my internal rules changed in a semi-permanent and finally in a way more stable basis.

I cannot forget those few days at 5th grade; I want to wake up at 5:30am, take a bath to myself, dress myself while I wait my mom to cook food for me and take me to school...

... Only to be stopped by being creeped out on sleeping alone at one night. Frustrating.

Now that I remembered it; I barely recall ever having to list my schedule at school. At all. Only the order of subjects I had to take everyday. I only got a class schedule when I was at high school...

My binges are still here; the remnants of my worst years. The moments when I want the day to end.

Then when I had work, I want every day to end quickly; and to end an entirely week just as quickly...

Even during pandemic -- waiting the day to end. Maybe because, I want every phases to just end, hoping for a more stable self -- when it doesn't exists to me 'naturally'.

Now? Time is sort of... Slower now in a way that I don't want to waste it, yet faster in a way it mattered whenever someone ages.

My hormones are more stable thanks to getting lucky on BCs that started almost 2 months ago.

My body clock became more stable.

My hunger times is becoming more stable.

My schedules are also more stable.

Hopefully many more will follow.