Choices, mobile choices...

My phone is over 4 years old. It's a high time for me to replace it and get an upgrade.

But almost all of them are 'upgrades'!!

Well, no multitasking features like Android Go versions and anything older than Android 6 is a deal breaker for me.

I got nothing to put a picture on. And I don't plan advertising anything.

I have, like, 3 to 4 options to go on. 5 or 6 if not buying a new phone counts.

So... I can play it safe. Get the same brand within the upper limits of my budget.  Finally use that cloud storage from that particular brand account, faster transition, easily found repair centers, etc. 

BUT! It's over priced for it's specs, cannot unlock it's bootloader, and barely get it future proofed.

Or, get a new phone. With the specs I actually like. Can be have it's bootloader unlocked.

BUT! Not guarantee it will endure in the next 4-5 years as it's not as durable. May brick when I updated it. And definately costs my upper limit budget.

Maybe, get an optimized low end phone. Definately cheap, like half of my budget. May had to cut down my screentime for good.

BUT! No more multitasking. No more games. No more other stuff that I may ended up passing up for the entire next 4-5 years. 

Another route is, well, risky. Get the phone with specs I want for a fraction of the price. Like, ⅕ of the original price.

BUT! OF COURSE IT'S POSSIBLE SCAM!! And that it's high likely a cheap inauthentic imitation.

Maybe I could swap. That's an option for me. 

BUT? I don't like it.

The same with, well, not changing my phone at all. Oh, sure who knows, another 2, or over 5 years? But still.

I want future proofing specs and guaranteed to not brick or breakdown for 4-6 years.

I don't need anything fancier. No flagship phones because I cannot afford that.

A minimum of 6/64GB. My phone is a 4/128GB. Never spent my ROM over 100GB; provided those files belongs to me and not something from work.

Ideally, I'd get a 8/258; but I don't actually need that amount of storage that high.

Let's see... GPU? I want compatability, processing, and good frame rates. 

Graphics? Don't care. No art rendering, no high def. movie. No 'immersive gaming'. I'm fine with just 360p or something not too bright by default... Or one that doesn't brick stuff.

Camera? Don't care. Could care less if it's one of those basic ones. Well, as long size 10 font is eligible on a fully fitted zoomed out A4 picture.

Sounds? Don't care. Well, it could've been better if I never had to switch to loudspeaker whenever I had to talk to someone with it.

4G? 5G? Don't care. If that's relevant to better wifi speed and mobile data internet access, sure. Except, nah.

I went to stores and looked at the phone units. Listed what's available within my budget and eliminated those that do not meed the basic specs.

I did asked people around. Bugged my relatives, bugged people online...

I did my research. Watched and read reviews...

I'm still in this dilemma.

Oh well.

I have until Christmas to decide.

Hopefully there will be sales discount for phone units till then.

Bits and Crumbs of Lot Amounts

Every other nights or so, I walk down a particular section of the street seeing fried chicken vendors closing their respective stalls.

Sometimes, I ask them for their 'mumug'.

They give them away for free.

Ahh, crispy stuff that hits the craving flavor feel -- but it's baaaad for my digestion, cholesterol, and my teeth.

Like most of my comforts do to me, though.

But why? Why crispy salty? Was it my childhood? Oh, sure, I grew up with mostly fried stuff.

But what I consume is more than just fried stuff. It's salty crispy stuff.

Salty more so -- I'd still down a fried fish downed with soy sauce on iodized salt.

Sometimes, I'll just nibble of plain crackers like skyflakes -- as long as it has some salt.

... Really, what's with me and salty stuff? 

Iodized salt more so. Like how it directly affected my cold intolerance into something a bit more tolerable...

NOPE! NOPE! NOPE! DON'T DIVULGE INTO HORMONAL ISSUE TALKS! BECAUSE THAT WILL PUT THIS POST INTO SOME STUPID DIVERGED TOPIC! NOPE!

So, I like potato snacks because of it. The same with corn like snacks.

And that wasn't all, really. 

Yet still... To a point of addiction -- not a day of not consuming anything of I mentioned above.

It affected my budget, you see. It made a dent on my savings too many times.

Turns out; one, dietary changes has discreet processes and humans only do one thing at the time (avoiding and reducing bad stuff OR consuming more and learning to acquire good stuff). Two, the nuisance of emotional processing and whatever encumbrance to make tolerating cravings easier. Three, is either a whiny head made by a whiny body; either hormonal imbalance or whatever head's association comfort or feel good supposed to be...

Why oh why I can quit caffeine really, really easily but I can't seem to quit crispy salty stuff as hard as I couldn't last not consuming chocolates?

But seriously...

I'm already at the near end of the line of this 'lifestyle'.

Other than aging and having a less proficient body, I really need a change. 

Don't want my dad's side of the health family curse get to me too. Diabetes, high blood, obesity, heart diseases, etc.

... Not that I'm ever worried about obesity. If it weren't for my mom's genes, I'd be more over weight. 

Really. I can look slim without any  intervention or special diet or meds. That doesn't mean I'm healthy in the inside.

But first I need to finish off my fridge stock -- as opposed to throwing it away; before replacing it all with stuff I need to eat.

Sometimes I miss those nights -- approaching said nighttime friend chicken vendors at past 8pm by the dim sidewalks, asking for those fried crumbs.

But nothing lasts forever.

For my own good, it had to be.

Oh, OF COURSE.

What's the reason why I hadn't written anything in this blog?

I forgot? Maybe, because, I spent it on screentime or more stories even though I don't need it anymore. It's just a silly stupid habit I need to unlearn after basically over 2 decades of doing the same stupid actions over and over.

Basically, nothing.

This is just a random picture of a 15+ or so feet tall cactus.

"Update at least once a week" I say on a forum signature???

NOPE!!

And I hate this stupid pattern of 'inability to commit'.

No, I don't have ADHD or something like that. Sure, I got executive dysfunction but it's not ADHD...

I confirmed it isn't. That ADHD like symptoms? It's just the emotional nuisance since I was 5. And this particular issue got nothing to do with it.

Just this stupid inability to commit. And be consistent.

I forget said commitments. Because, excuses; because, because, because reason. Doesn't matter what it is.

How I wish I can just be gentle with myself or something??? But this pattern is... 

I just don't like this pattern.

It's like... "I wanna pay for a 5 year worth insurance!" Would that give me an incentive to get a job and pay? At best that will make me feel like an adult for a moment.

Even give me like 5 or so months to get a job and finally pay it for myself --

NO.

Even if I replace 'insurance' with 'rent', the outcomes the same.

It's stupid, really.

Heck, my savings do not moved up since the pandemic.

But this ain't about money. It's about certainty and being guaranteed for me to be able to do and therefore keep...

How I wish this is just a luck issue, but no. The main problem is still in me.

I just don't understand it.

It's not like I'm afraid to take risks. Heck, I'm plenty of reckless myself, but...

I don't want to regret things.

I had enough with... Indecision.

Or entering a new hell after exiting another.

Well, it's not like I'm in an abusive relationship or somewhere unsafe but...

I want to be self reliant. I want my own life. I want to be a captain of my own ship.

It's one thing for me to be able to keep up with promises, but it's an entirely different matter when contracts and legalities are involved.

It's like... I hate contracts.

I get the point but something deep within me just... Do not agree well with it. Always.

But I'm heck sure I wasn't always like this.

 When I was a child -- I can just will it; have a perfect attendance, pass all quizzes and write all the lectures, complete an entire game 100% including secrets, master a specific crafting technique...

But I no longer do. Even with things I want to do.

Might as well sign up a class and pay my entire savings -- but no, not even sunk-cost fallacy can convince me.

At first maybe because of my full time work. But now I don't work as much but -- I stop playing games, I stop pursuing certain skills or knowledge.

I just stop.

I want it back.

Whatever I had in my childhood -- I want it back.

I want that 'I have my sights into it and do everything to accomplish it' back into my life.

I thought being an adult meant doing the very same thing will be easier? WHY IS IT HARDER?!

It's not like I have other responsibilities.

Other than this... 'Self'. Ugh.

Not Nothing, I guess?

Had a really busy few weeks.

I wish it's as simple as just being busy -- by busy, actually doing something.

Some would know about multiple roles theory but... By biggest hindrance remains to balance the plate of existing as a human.

I want a life of actually living balancing multiple plates.

But... NOPE!

As soon as I turn around from the biggest burden that is myself (health, health, habit, habit, emotions, mind, health...) A lot would fall sideways.

I hate it.

I wish I can just sacrifice 'self' in favor of anything else.

Instead, I'd get multiple broken metaphorical plates as soon as I stop looking at that ONE stupid aspect of my life.

No, no... I'm not that negligent. Just stupidly 'sensitive'. 

No, no, it's not even my neurodivergence but that makes it more difficult.

But sure -- I have limited spoons despite being, well, habitually active and somehow fit.

Except, no. I'm not healthy. Internally that is. Also no, I'm not self diagnosing. I just want to end everything that makes me lag as if I have chronic illness.

No, I don't have a diagnosable chronic illness except chronic sinusitis rhinitis. And no one takes that seriously.

I do have a chronic sleep issue out of it though underdiagnosed -- but nah, they'd blame it on my neurodivergence.

Nevermind my family history; my paternal line has crappy metabolism. My stronger and more resilient maternal line can only give me so much allowance.

Sleep enough? I got to tease my cause of sleep issue -- there are at least several:

Let's see... If I couldn't breathe through my nose all night and unable to ignore that, actually sneezing on ungodly hours for hours nonstop, and unable to just breathe through my mouth because it's irritating and it can hurt if the room is too cold.

But that's just the respiratory system. If I ate dinner too early or too late, or took certain foods at certain amount; so, bloating, nausea, hyperacidity, diarrhea or constipation...

Anything else is definately neurological; non-stop thoughts both good, bad, and very often distracting despite not spending on screentime for few days straight since I was that busy... Certain aches, certain temperatures, certain sensations, certain positions, certain sensory craving or overwhelm...

And that's just sleep.

The rest is semi-voluntary or flat out voluntary, which I did for most of my childhood and teenage years.

I WISH I can just ignore 'self' like I did during those times. Go to point A to B, no excuses. Do XYZ that I like, no excuses.

Now? When I'm older, no less -- I get too many excuses in my head.

I'm too busy resting, 'taking care of myself', whatever. It's causing me to miss schedules, skipping sleep (because waking up is very unpredictable) or not do anything at all.

Back to the topic of multiple roles; I have a few. Sometimes at home, sometimes at some hall, sometimes at my old workplace, sometimes at my relatives.

It wasn't that stressful. It's not like I'm working full time and overtime.

No. That's not the problem at all. On contrary... It suited me more than having a stable schedule.

... A stable schedule. It would've been a preference but... NOPE!!!

So far, a 'consistent' life never happens to me. And I'm not talking about your everyday ups and downs in life.

I can have the most precise and lenient schedule and still not satisfied.

Why??? Because this damn body is not so predictable. I thought birth control pills would fix that, but no!!..

At least I ended the stupid story out of it.

But still! I'm 'slow to adjust' towards whatever's internal still.

And predicting myself doesn't help. Years of trying so, still failed.

I'm not sick, so why I could barely do part time job?? If I blame it on my neurodivergence, that's like blaming the car for lacking it's fuel.

I need more 'fuel'. To afford the things I want to do in this life. Or at least, a way of how I would like in this life.

But the reality? Not everyone can be all they can be. And I hate it.

I can technically afford going jobless and with zero responsibilities. Really. A life without external struggle. And still feel miserable because there's no internal fix and no excuses.

I hate internal work. I don't care whether I'm good at it or not, I hate it. I hate it that it costs me so much of my time and energy.

A break? I already have too many breaks. If I take a break from few hours of work, I may not able to transition back to working. Nope! It depends on 'what I feel'.

Still not satisfied or feel like in control. I want more.

I want a life of living being able to take at least few roles, actually participating in several aspects of life.

But I don't have chronic illness. And I already stretched so many ways on how I adapt to my own neurodivergence.

My body is being dramatic. I want a more efficient body. I want a more consistent mind. I want a regulated senses and emotions.

I don't want a life of not doing anything.

I don't like a life of helplessness, cluelessness...

If roles have multiple plates... It's usually assumed that all plates created equal. Family, friends, job, health, other...

It's not.

Not from my point of view.

I'm forced to focus on myself like someone with chronic illness and I'm easily accused as flaky or selfish. And I'm sick of myself.

I know, somewhere there will be a solution to this. I'm not stopping until I reach an age when it's usually appropriate to retire.

As long as I'm dealing with... 'This'... I won't be wishing for a longer life than intended.

Also, no, I'm not suicidal.

I'm just... Stressed out and bored. Understimulated and just easily overstimulated in attempt to quell that. A stupid fricking trap.

Just like my sleeping issues.

No Bake Cakes

There's no oven in my household. It's too expensive.

But I like cake and many sorts of pastries.

This household is always under equipped. Sure, this house got a blender, a stove, your typical house fridge and a rice cooker... But that's it.

As a kid, I like to experiment certain mix and match of flavors.

Especially involving chocolate...

But I'm also picky. I don't include a LOT of flavors.

Which includes mangoes... And mangoes usually goes well with cold served graham crackers. But I don't like mango flavors in anything.

Before it went popular, I've been doing some sort of crash course version of this recipe.

Except instead of with whim cream and condensed milk, it could be with chocolate.

Crushed bits of whatever cracker or cookies as a part of ingredient? Anyone could just imagine that, no recipes needed.

Yep. If only I had a picture of the oreos version of this cake. Or snack. Whatever.

It's a good go-to DIY on occasion since starting from scratch can be so difficult and expensive.

... Really, I tried to make bread with the cooking pan. Sure I did OK, but it was so bland... 

And that I kept messing up with the flour and water ratio that it's always, always goes out sticky. Never had a firm batter that I can actually shape.

As much as I wish to be a baker, I don't have a lot of opportunity to practice. So I make do with the only stuff I have available.

Whenever I get lucky with my money, I usually just look at a list -- same recipe but different brands in each attempt. See which is more flavorful or just favorable.

It's sort of how I've been testing how I mix my coffee. Which is another story and another post, but that's just how I roll sometimes.

Sure -- I could just bug the neighbors or my aunt or something to get me ingredients and use an oven; but nah, that only happens once in a blue moon.

Once this household had an oven toaster. It only has a timer, no temperature indicator whatsoever. 

So it's hard to gauge outside whatever guide was available. And we don't have a thermometer for cooking.

Brought it so we can toast our bread. I like toasted bread.

It's also good if the spread gets heated sometimes. I also just like my bread crispier.

Except, my stomach doesn't do well with certain foods. At random. It's annoying, really.

And so the over toasted became something that is rare of use. The poor maintenance of it doesn't help. The stupid pests do not help.

It's somehow enough for baking pre-mixed stuff from the groceries. Even made one of those 2-3 ingredient brownies.

Now we don't have the over toaster. It's a cheap oven toaster. Maybe if I get lucky with the money again.

I would like an actual oven for baking and for doing certain recipes someday, that is, if I can master baking and able to get my hands on keto alternatives.

But how am I able to master that without an oven to practice with??? 

Practice with the stove since, well, since it's 'fire' so why the heck not?? Practice with the same old oven toaster with a temperature on hand?? Bug whoever have the tools and ingredients every month?? Go to a baking school without the money??

Am I supposed to get a talent that can create cakes out of an open grill or something?

Yeah. It's possible. I just need a thermometer on whatever.

For now, I don't exactly have the energy to try. I hate the extreme weathers. And I live in the tropics.

Too hot makes me sweat and sweat makes me uncomfortable. Too cold? I'm not sure, but my body hates the cold.

I will be needing more than just a boost of  estrogen.

Also I'm not sure if I can do ice cream cake. I like ice cream cake. Especially if it's oreos. I only had it once.

Still...

... No fruits allowed in my baking recipes.

Internal Nuisances

I long lived in a cacophony of internal states.

No, it's not my imaginary inner world where I be who I wanna be.

It's more like a stupid loop, a cycle. But that's just how the head works.

I think there are at least 3 layers of internal judgment...

1st layer is how you feel about your emotions (meta emotions).

2nd layer is whatever your brain or subconscious cooks up or perceive (which is emotions that are less voluntary yet aware of it).

And then there's the 3rd layer where you can say where The Body Keeps the Score (in which the emotions are not within the conscious) that can be hidden by the second layer.

Maybe there's more and beyond, far and in-between.

But I ain't a psychologist, neurologist nor a mystic with absurd internal sensitivity, discernment and regulation of it all.

It's a nuisance. Emotional processing.

The funny thing is that I've searched the net to see which techniques could've helped me.

And I find none.

There should be some sort of guide of how to rule out what before jumping to some sort of self diagnosis other than 'it is relatable' or how resonating the label is or the people's accounts on how they experience with the label.

The best thing I can describe my case is that this stressful existence -- even though my life is very easy, actually stress free. Save from my chronic sneezing...

Anyone can easily mistaken that I have anxiety issues. I don't.

Or dismiss this uncomfortable heavy feeling in my body as some sort of direct or indirect part of my neurodivergence. I knew better than that.

Usually this is my plan; provided that --

I have enough documentation on how I should go about it. There's symptoms and then there's ruling out possibilities; in order -- physical, hormonal, and then mental.

I have the finances. 

I have the communication skills. I have the composure so doctors won't conclude it's all in my head at the first phases which is rulling out blood work and the physical.

Then if said doctors can comprehend the contexts of neurodiversity and women's health...

Nah -- not in my case. My first attempt is an utter failure because I'm too emotional. Wasted my money on a consultation. 

I hate it. So much. 

Frick that doctor and her tone policying. If I have a real choice, I would've walked out without paying because she did not do a jack.

Since I cannot rule out blood work in a single visit -- because I don't have the money to attempt 'doctor shopping'...

I just want to be a healthier neurodivergent female, damnit -- not an unhealthy neurotypical.

Why not just DIY this? I have all the internal sensitivities, only I have the knowledge of my own history and where my priority lies.

Again, I ain't a doctor. I can't even perform a simple dietary change on myself.

Well, if I were going to be a biohacker, I would've had a lot of biofeedback instruments and the funds to try everything under the sun -- and most of all, lack of picky eating and 'consistency'.

I don't have any of that. Not even my body.

"Screw it!" I say. I'm already 28, past the age of being a 'young woman' yet to adjust from puberty and all responsibilities of a young adult or be capable of simple changes. 

I'm done "waiting" for me to "outgrow" this nuisance when it doesn't come.

One day, I just walked into a pharmacy and brought a box of birth control pills over the counter.

Yes, prescription for hormonal contraceptives is not mandatory from where I came from.

The result? It was fantastic! And I was so, so lucky because I'm aware that the effects can be different for everyone. Mine was mostly positive.

It got rid of a particular layer -- which was the stressful heavy like feeling...

Suddenly, everything became easier.

But this also means that I had to adjust to the change and it did take a while. I still do.

My metabolism changed. 

Effects of coffee for me went from zero benefit and only side effects; taking it only for taste, lived with said side effects for years and quit coffee for years -- to how it was intended to be which is a stimulant.

One month wasted on coughing fits later -- I tried and tested depressants.

It doesn't do much. At least it doesn't give me jetlag like symptoms. And yet, it doesn't help me sleep.

Yet... 

Instead it made me able to reach deeper within.

And with that I now have a more direct access to my emotions and somewhere in my head.

Few weeks later, without the internal noise and extra estrogen for my executive function; I was able to self-therapize myself. 

Melatonin won't be a sleeping aide for me, but it will certainly be a tool for me.

Come 10 or so weeks after, I ended up with a common side effect of taking birth control pills continuously without taking the placebo; it's called 'Breakthrough Bleeding'.

It was a literal pain. Mine happened to be as bad as any period. It's tiring to deal with it.

Meaning I would had to take a week long break from taking BCs for a while.

And this is my chance to see which is the main source of my dysfunction --

Was it the emotional nuisance complex hidden by brain power draining coping mechanism, or low levels of estrogen...?

May update in another post.

For now, I'm testing myself by being back temporary to my old work once a week on part time until I'm no longer needed. 

To see the contrasts.

But I won't be planning on staying nor return full time. Full time work isn't simply for me -- I will find different ways to earn income. For another post, another story.

Fries

I thought it was just this simple thing; skin and slice potatoes and then deep fry. How stupid that was of me.

By the way, this is not a cooking blog.

Thinking back, I skipped the most crucial step which was to remove starch.

I looked up to the internet on how to make home made fries.

Turns out I kept skipping the processes of removing starch; ot can range from soaking to cold water for at least an hour, boiling it soft, low heat deep fried and freezing.

I didn't thought it was a lot of work.

Thankfully, it involved way less mess than my attempts at paper making -- but that's another story for another post.

Since I'm not very accustomed with slicing vegetables with a kitchen knife, I'm sure my cuts are neither fast nor precise.

I also neglected to get rid of the eyes. The potatoes were a bit on a small side, you see? And it's just a half kilo worth or so...

Soaking in cold water seems a step that needs a lot of waiting and waiting I did.

It was said that the longer it was soaked on cold water, the crispier to becomes.

Well, I let it soak on water in the fridge overnight.

As soon as I get to go home -- instructions says that I had to drain and pat it try...

And well I did. It was quite a bit awkward and not fully done it. Had to use, like, 2 or 3 of my dry towels.

There are more steps that goes beyond this; boil, precook, freeze or soak it in water again.

Since I'm in some sort of rush, I just chose precooking it.

But I don't have a thermometer that measures how hot the oil was. 

Whatever. It just says low heat -- then I just turn the stove on low heat.

And then drain and pat it dry. Pat dry the oil -- uhh... Of course, I had to cool it off too before that.

Still I'm just excited to see it's outcome.

But quite reluctant. So -- I cooked ¼ of my stock, and store the rest in the freezer.

Patting dry the oil isn't perfect either... I'm somewhat worried what would happen if I let it freeze...

So I cooked the remaining batch on medium heat oil. And it went brown quickly.

I might have poor time sense -- but I'm sure fries don't go golden to brown in less than a minute. Was my fire too hot?

I just took it out when it's golden brown or browning.

Drain, put some salt, cool off... And...

Well! It was not so bad the first time!

I think I like it.

And I have the intention to master this process... Because I like fries.

The Story Is Over

And so, my level 200 character became her whole self, found her parents who essentially traveled through time, saved the world by the power of espionage, all of them got exiled from their world for breaking some forbidden guardian law, got new siblings on the way, found some otherworldly mad doctor and cured their racial incompatibility, found another otherworldly macguffin that allowed to grant certain psychic powers, overcame their respective spiritual curses, and then is welcomed by some higher being by passing their respective trials so they'd stop crossing dangerous dimensions to look for a places where they can raise the babies.

And they all lived in a higher realm forever and after.

Fricking, fricking FINALLY!!! That story was over 15 years old!!! AND IT'S OVERRR!!!

It was a darn story in my head that's just going and going and going -- SIIIGGGHHH!!!

My old notes. Yes, most of which are sized A5 or A6 because I like them fit to my shoulder bag...

Despite those... 'Ideas' and story telling in my head, I never plan to be an author of any story. 

My writing is atrocious and this isn't coming from some confidence issue or lack of practice.

Most of these 'ideas' are involuntary. Intrusive even. They don't actually interests me, it's just my head. Really.

I was a maladaptive daydreamer.

It was lead and fueled by fanfiction addiction and fiction addictions in general.

I have no real investment nor am a real fan of anything. It's literally just my head.

It's not a preference to me, it's more like a distraction. More of a coping mechanism that I wish I could stop.

Did I said 'was'? Yes. Yes, I did. But later on that.

I guess it started when I was 8? That's when I start being so drawn to TV cartoons that I watch an inappropriate amount that I'm so sure a parent who knows what they're doing would be very concerned over.

Was a night owl by the time I turned 8. By binging cartoons. And sleep a good portion of time at day, even during classes.

Really.

No one asked me why is this. No one reprimanded. No one encouraged...

That addiction went to computers addiction. Games, the internet... Especially at times when I wanted answers and either couldn't word my answers right or that there's no outside reference that can actually help me with my thoughts and situation.

Seriously.

I hated sleep. Not in a brag and trendy way -- I really hate it. I hate human needs. Seen it as a distraction from what I want to keep doing.

So... The usual theme is fantasy adventure. Little to less romantic arcs. Plenty of friendships, some families, internal monologues, etc. Other worlds, alternative universe, etc. 

I imagine and daydream based on what I know, what actually did happened, etc. Can be in real life, can be from whatever I watched or read.

And I couldn't stop it. This isn't me. Sure it's entertaining but this isn't what I want.

My head likes it. My conscious doesn't. 

My emotions do not help. My vulnerability to stress to do not help.

It's frustrating; it's like the scenarios where my body craves it yet I hate it's taste or feeling.

The addictions made me a bigger procrastinator. And it never gave me a chance to learn moderation. 

Moderation became a struggle because I cannot switch or transition from doing something to stopping it quickly.

This also reflects with what I eat.

I waited for years to outgrow this... Along with other issues I had been struggling with from within.

It affects with how I interact with the world. It gave me this layer of ADD-like symptom. Because it's an intrusive thing.

And even if I'm not consciously engaging with it, even if my attention is not in my head -- my processing is still affected.

It also made me have some embarrassing behaviors; like talking dialogues out loud. At work, at public, anywhere.

Reading seem like a good habit of mine but... It's too excessive. And words as medium is not my true inclination and far from my own forte.

If not stories, social interactions then. And it was just as annoying.

Then... Something just happened.

Some time around few days ago; I wish for the story to end. It was around bedtime, almost midnight.

And... Like the countless times I did before; end the story. Finish loose ends. Finish epilogues, etc.

Except...

The book in my head is finally closed.

There lies an inner child, looking at the bookshelf.

Something just... Stopped.

My mind went quiet. So, so quiet. I can physically feel a change; somewhere in my lower left side at the back of my head.

It felt like something had been let go. It's like 10 or so tabs had been closed from my head browser.

And the only automatic thoughts I have is random endless loop of music.

I confronted this inner child. I asked her why; why is she drawn to these stories? What does it mean when she's drawn to certain characters?

Turns out decades of maladaptive daydreaming had been a cover up. It's to avoid my daddy issues and complexes towards family.

When she's drawn to a certain character, it's because there's a trait that she wants to have within a parent.

... My own mom isn't the perfect fit. My dad is another matter...

When she's thinking of other stories, she's thinking of legacies and secrecies. She fantasizes a lot about family and friendships.

Yeah, yeah, I get it. The timeline fits; dad went abroad before I turned 8, realized my own difference from other kids, etc. 

Therefore the addictions and daydreaming and all that. And despite my life isn't so bad? But this is something to do with what happened and did not happened as a child.

I confronted it. And I still want to confront them all head on so I can just get over with it.

But I know I cannot force it. It's physically uncomfortable too -- it's this symptom at the back of my neck, going tense and hot.

And despite having a quieter mind... I couldn't sleep. The loops of random music got even louder...

To make me fall asleep again, I either had to tire myself with ASMR or engage in whatever story in my head.

Best to make sure it doesn't last for years, never chronic and never consuming my whole day.

The day after that; I was sleep deprived. I had a job to sub...

... And the change was so weird.

Time became way slower, but none of the impatient and anxiety to just end the whole day already.

I can suddenly switch task faster. Interruptions feels way less painful. My focus is still intact though...

My short term memory issue is still an issue. So, too bad -- I'd still suck at multitasking. I still have my initial issues.

And a layer of internal distraction is gone. There's even way less pull to get into my head anymore. 

It just confirms even further that I don't have ADHD, that one major symptom I got was psychological, not my brain's wiring.

I'm so happy with this breakthrough. And that I did it myself.

All day effortless mindfulness... And none of the conscious effort and headache that I associate with continuously practicing mindfulness.

Boredom became weird. I became way more present than I thought was possible.

My automatic generated thoughts are a bit different now. My thought processing is a bit different now. 

And I can now directly ask my inner child, the limbic system for asking 'why this thought? why that rabbit hole?'..

... I'll take any mind wandering as a sign; if I ignore it, acknowledge it, or get obsessed with it would be more of my choice than not -- unlike before.

I can choose to comfort her. I can choose to not to. It can be confusing but I certainly can do much better with my emotions now.

The only issue I got now that came with this is another adjustment, especially at sleeping.

All and all...

My head is way, way clearer now. Now that the story is no longer taking over my thoughts, I can focus even more with the outside world, with this life.

Might as well try my best to replace this with something that aligns me more, towards my goals, towards my interests.

And... I'll do my best with any possible repercussions of this change.

So many changes within 2 months. 

Most of which are breakthroughs from the things I struggle with for years.

To some, it's an opportunity to be a writer or one of those types and this is a sort of gift they can channel; I'm not one of those types... 

I cannot channel this, and it's more of a curse.

To others, it's a matter of survival and sanity. Not me -- it's just an unwilling fixation. My life is not so terrible that I'd run away from it. And this was driving me less sane, making me stifle my chance of survival... 

It gets in the way with my independence.

And then to a few, who, just don't want to be stuck in their heads...  I tried to take that to a stride due to the nature of my condition.

But to be able to dig this further and actually able to get out...?

I'm in another road where no one else seem to be anywhere again.

Routines, Schedules...

It's something I supposed to need.

But it's also something I want but...

Nope! Get interrupted from withiiiiinnnn~~~

Really, really tried it so hard to make it so...

Supposedly, I'm the kind that was built to cope by having routines.

But was unable to.

Why?

I don't have ADHD.

But I have so many head excuses, emotional hurdles and a lot of irrationally reasoned inconveniences.

By intentions and all the fancying, I want to be conscientious.

But the reality? I'm not. I just am not. And that frustrates the heck out of me.

Was it my household? That wasn't done at home at all. Was it the culture I grew up in? Not being punctual, very lose with the rules?

I'm aware that I'm not living as the same place as most people in the same space. They have their own rules and I have mine.

I wanted to follow the rules. Do things to the letter. But alas -- instead, what I had was a whimsical mischief, a rebellious grudge, an entitled exceptional and someone who even want nothing but defy her own basic needs and even her own humanity.

So -- struggling for having a routine for years. Crappy habits, poor self regulation, confusion and directionlessness followed.

Doesn't help that I suck at processing language but that's another time and another post...

Turns out I do had multiple interferences; it's just not outside of me.

Being a biological woman is one of my biggest interrupters. And I really am interrupted by it because every other week, the rules changes... And I cannot adjust that fast. Spent the majority of my adult life just being unable to keep up.

So I tried to predict it. I really did, tried to anticipated any possible changes.

But that did not work out. No. Every shift in any gears is a huge drainer to me it seems.

Constantly interrupted momentum, painful inertias... Until I took birth control pills.

Now that I don't have major hormonal interruptions anymore --

My next internal interruption is certain habits and patterns.

Spent too much time of reading fanfiction. Spent too much time listening and watching YouTube videos. Spent too much time reading and typing online...

And I had to break that, too. Oh no! That's more than one discreet tasks!

Then any external internalized stuff by seeing something or someone... Not being picky enough. 

It's like I have my own AI in my own head. And it was programmed on consuming more entertainment medium than learning, unlearning, relearning and practicing stuff that mattered.

Another layer is the possibility that I hadn't been completely recovered by specific types of burnouts -- but that's another time and another post to elaborate on that.

What's more -- the trickiness of 'how I work'. 

Must learn and get over the fact that I don't learn linearly. Like; step 1, step 2, step 3...

Nope. Step 1, step 10, step 5 helps step 7, step 2 preps step 4, go back to step 10, etc...

Even something as basic as time of eating and sleeping -- which is really the most basic of getting a routine.

Usually, my sleep schedule goes n24 (cycles that are more than 25 hrs or less than 23 hrs and it accumulates). Even with work, it did not out.

Eating, too -- turns out I have 3 types of hungry. One of them is the real hunger; the rest is something I had to contend with.

Then these basic inconsistencies is mostly gone. After my hormones are no longer going ups and downs, too... 

I finally had a stable day-lark ideal sleep schedule, and an eating time that I can instinctively tell. 

Because after taking the BCs, sensations, emotions and even hunger cues went weirder. 

Another story for another day -- or, piece it together yourself. I might be repeating this or referencing other details several times already throughout this blog.

But yeah... Stupid layers of prerequisites -- some of which is biological than mental or even behavioral. 

This much change, just for me to have a chance to have a real routine.

I still am not following my own attempt of making rules and planning daily activities.

But it's finally getting there. Slowly but surely.

Am I really just so slow to adjust even to myself?? It's frustrating still.

At least... Sleep also became less troublesome. Waking up also became way less painful. No more heavy arms, no more weird numbness on my right thigh...

It was so, especially after I stop being sick for few weeks of coughing.

Other than all that -- sickness, any emotions, any changes... I really tried to track all of these to anticipate.

But... It's... Meaningless. Tried to bullet journal, track them all via written logs or digitally... For years. I attempted to, and maybe that will change me; that every check, every tick would motivated me.

Instead I just because a serial notebook abandoner, installed and uninstalled apps... Tried my best to salvage the data I collected. 

In ADHD terms, it's called pivoting... As I said; I don't have ADHD. I call it fancying.

Just because I know it's coming... Doesn't mean I'd be 'prepared'. And even if I'm anticipating it and be 'prepared', it's this shift in the gear, past the conscious somewhere, where the rules suddenly changed.

Now, finally, I'm dealing with way less of that. Maybe I'd finally just drop it altogether.

I'll only track myself for the sake of my crappy memory. Patterns comes distant third -- it's over for me since constant self monitor did not work. 

Maybe useless now, since my internal rules changed in a semi-permanent and finally in a way more stable basis.

I cannot forget those few days at 5th grade; I want to wake up at 5:30am, take a bath to myself, dress myself while I wait my mom to cook food for me and take me to school...

... Only to be stopped by being creeped out on sleeping alone at one night. Frustrating.

Now that I remembered it; I barely recall ever having to list my schedule at school. At all. Only the order of subjects I had to take everyday. I only got a class schedule when I was at high school...

My binges are still here; the remnants of my worst years. The moments when I want the day to end.

Then when I had work, I want every day to end quickly; and to end an entirely week just as quickly...

Even during pandemic -- waiting the day to end. Maybe because, I want every phases to just end, hoping for a more stable self -- when it doesn't exists to me 'naturally'.

Now? Time is sort of... Slower now in a way that I don't want to waste it, yet faster in a way it mattered whenever someone ages.

My hormones are more stable thanks to getting lucky on BCs that started almost 2 months ago.

My body clock became more stable.

My hunger times is becoming more stable.

My schedules are also more stable.

Hopefully many more will follow.

Annoyance in Illness

I've spent a week dealing with some sort of cold. Then just before it was over, I got infected again.

My stupid nostrils is cursed. And it has been that way for most of my life.

And barely able to do anything about it.

Been hanging around downstairs in odd hours because the room I was forced to share with is too cold.

It's always the stupid cold. Especially when I'm asleep. Just what the heck is up with that???

When I had my own room, at least I was able to do something about my constant triggers over humidity by putting a disposable dry box. 

Then, actually replacing my bedsheets and curtains every week. I'm only an air purifier short from getting a dust free room.

But no.

After a year of figuring all that, instead my sister's boyfriend lives there.

Abruptly.

Now I'm forced to share a room. A room I cannot control. It's my mom's room. 

Do chores with it?? Uhh, no!

Those pile of clothes she had? No way I'm cleaning it. It meant enabling whatever unwanted habit she's been doing since I was a child. I refuse to 'do something about' that. I refuse to be used that way. Another story for another time, and it'll be a rant.

Then there's the bed. It was a queen sized bed instead of the double deck that was planned to be brought. Of course.

The bed was purchased on November.

Then the bed fell apart on January.

Then it was broken by the time it's February.

We didn't do any darn thing at it. We ain't even overweight.

It was recently fixed, few weeks ago.

But it was still very annoying.

Now moving on from the room; there's the climate, the weather, the temperature, then the presence of people.

When I was able to control the room, I was able to deduce that my stupid nose starts to act up around 6-8pm. 

Would had to wear a hoody over my head. Maybe a facemask too. If not, a earmuff and scarf combo... Though the earmuffs hurt.

And not something I'm allowed to go inside the mall with. Had to remove any of that in order to enter the premises.

And most malls are air-conditioned. It's not the humidity, it's the cold. Risk triggering myself just for a sliver of happy hour, back then after work.

The worst part is that I'm in a very humid country. And I'm triggered for about 99% at the time.

On top of that; I had to tease out between the 99% unwanted nonallergic chronic rhinitis default, from the others; bacterial infection, viral infection, full blown sinusitis.

There's getting feverish without the upper throat pain that resembles like tonsillitis. Usually happens whenever I wake up, likely from sheer exposure.

Then there's the actual tonsillitis. With too much mucus. It's hormonal. 

Then there's the abrupt endless sneezing before getting this tonsillitis alike pain that can descend into my throat and into my lungs. Then getting feverish.

Likely an infection from elsewhere.

Then there's the random swelling of the nose but no mucus or sneezing reflex. Just clogged out of nowhere. Just taking some decongestant nasal spray for me, hope that it does not give me head fog symptoms.

Then there's a dry mucus filled sinus that gives me painful headaches. Neti pot or a saline nasal spray might solve this, but it doesn't help anything else.

Sometimes I take antihistamines. But it only works 50% at the time. Because of having different causes.

This stupid nose is the reason why I get sick at all. And no one takes it seriously. It's stupid.

And if I had to be checked everything this nose acts up, I'd be flat broke! 

And it's also dismissed as normal. 

Yeah, like neigh unmanageable is "normal'; that just popping a pill or a spray would make it go away forever as if it's a simple case of allergic rhinitis.

IT IS NOT. AND IT WAS MEDICALLY CONFIRMED IT IS NOT. 

AFTER YEARS OF CALLING IT AN 'ALLERGY', IT IS NOT. I KNEW IT IS NOT.

I don't know when I'll have a chance to get a second opinion of possibly getting surgery as an option for this.

I don't know if I'm gambling a huge pay for potential long term relief at best, or the tiniest risk of empty nose syndrome at worst.

And I hadn't able to make routine maintenances over, yet. Especially since my body has no sense of night and day. 

Routines still do not work with me and habits are hard to form.

And I have a lot of unwanted habits out of... 'This' nuisance.

It's a constant annoyance. I wish I never inherited this cursed trait. I'd trade my IQ scores and talents just to get rid of this crap.

It's also more of a social embarrassment than being odd. Being odd, for me, can be a choice between being myself and weird or mask whatever. 

I cannot mask or avoid this... Disease. Because it's mostly unmanageable.

It's also loud, messy and disgusting. It's also rude, abrupt, sometimes painful and very stressful by itself.

It messes with my head more than the world did. It messes with my thinking. It already make a huge mess with my hearing. 

And for most of my life unable to appreciate a lot of things related to smell...

The one of the worst part is the dangerous assumptions that it's COVID. 

Yeah, I'm 'infected by COVID' for what, over 24+ years??? Stupid, stupid, stupid. 

And I'm also asymptomatic if I'm actually infected.

This... VERY PHYSICAL issue is my biggest bane in my life. 

More than whatever developmental screw ups I ended up with. I can make do with that.

Sensory issues; I can self accomodate. Or even able to avoid. 

Especially now that I figured how to tone down my internal sensitivities.

Unfortunately, nothing makes me 'less prone'. Save for having my own room; but NO.

It's the biggest genetic screw up over my quality of life. To a point I wish this lifetime is over so I don't have to deal with breathing issues.

But it's not cancer. Or a collapsed lung. Or fibromyalgia. Or even asthma. Or dangerous allergic reaction like anaphylaxis.

Yeah, this is one the reasons why I don't wish for a very long time.

And there are countless cases like mine, remain unsolved, not cured. 

And there's no focus on that, really. Because it's just 'sneezing'. 

When it's too hot...

 ... We stay indoors, eat something cold...

I used not to worry about this. Stupid aging.

There goes my daily walks around noon. Doesn't help that my sleep schedule is shifted into day-shift than nighttime night life.

Around this day, the heat index is all time high.

Air-conditioning and electric fan usage is on high.

So is the water bills.

I sort of miss paying water bills.

I used not to worry when it's hot. Because o deal with it better than cold.

So I was not like most people when it came to dealing with heat.

It's not a mere sensory issue. The cold is sometimes PAINFUL. It's like it's physical than something in mt head.

Heat exhaustion doesn't make me worry. Until... I no longer deal with cold intolerance. Had to learn to deal with heat like everyone else.

Yay for ice cream and iced orange juice!!!

Trips to the air-conditioned malls and venues... Pools and beaches!!!

EXCEPT...

Getting unlucky by getting sick due to changes of extreme weather. 

Usually in my case; it's sinus infection that feels like tonsillitis, only higher up my nose... Which can descend and infect my lungs as well.

No ice cream, no orange juice, no trips out, nope, nope. I'm too busy with phlegm, bodily aches and potential fever.

Sigh...

And even if I don't have any sickness anymore, I had to deal with... Body temperature. Hydration levels. 

Then there's two types of outdoor heat I deal with; the heavy humid and the dry hot kind. 

Former is NOT pleasant, may suffocate me and give me headaches. 

The latter feels like hot shower without showering and less chance of sweating.

I miss the latter. Screw the former.

I don't care if my skin gets burnt. Not that I ever experienced sunburn before.

Though... To be safe, I have some stock of sunblock. And unsure if I should cut corners with it because it's pricey.

Wouldn't be ideal if I could just be asleep all day long and wake up, go out at nighttime?

I wish.

That would require me a decent enough room. 

Else I'd be dealing with sweat and potential discomfort.

The stereotype here is that people here just take a bath 3 times a day.

Sorry. The budget here is a bit tight. Especially due to recent events. Another story for another day.

I'm also contemplating if I should get a shorter hair so I wouldn't bother with tying my hair and using conspicuous amount of conditioner... 

Or just let it be, get a trim or so. Usually, I do do haircuts until past Christmas. Another story for another post.

Really, other than the bodily changes due to birth control, related to blood pressure and body temperature...

There's my decision making; I don't ride trics and pay for it when I could just walk it in 10 minutes on foot.

Now I'm willing to make bargain.

Sigh... I don't like aging.

I don't care if I'd look older. I just had enough with feeling crappier, fussier and more sensitive as I age.

Enjoying Out

Summer is here from where I'm...

Yes, your typical go play in the water under the hot weather

Usually, when I go out, I need some sensory tools. So; earplugs, photochromic glasses, maybe a fidget ring or two... Comfortable clothing; weather appropriate, no tags, and nothing stupid like rips and holes.

But if I really want to enjoy it, I need more than that. Yes, I'm living in a fussy body.

I should be; not sleep deprived, not having my period, not angry, not bloated because I ate too much, not sick in any way, being able to breathe well, etc. Etc.

Else all my thoughts and feelings goes through dealing with whatever I'm feeling inside instead of enjoying what's in front of me.

That's usually how it is with me. That is... Until I figured a way to tone the internal stuff down. Well, most of it anyways.

It's easy to tone down external noise; you can hide from it. You can avoid it. You can just cover it all up like a cork to a bottle. Easy.

But the internal noise? Takes professionals. It goes towards the realms of the medical field; physical, mental health and emotional support.

So I had to deal with daily discomforts -- too prone to even 'normal everyday things' are not comfortable to me; not just my environment. Having to deal with that since childhood, but that's another story for another day.

For now; this is about me going out.

I'm dealing with some form of chronic idiopathic nonallergic rhinitis. Turns out one of my triggers is not simply irritants, but also my hormonal levels, how much water I drank, if I ate certain stuff... Etc. Ruins my whole day, even if I'm inside at home doing nothing.

Annoying.

Even more annoying as someone who is born with a female body. Which is a long story; but to make a long story short; it was an even bigger problem...

Thank goodness for birth control pills. I had the luck that the cheapest type basically solved my lifelong problem. Another post for another day.

So I had to go through all that -- just to enjoy going out.

Sometimes I can ignore that it exists and happened to carried away.

Too bad yesterday I was sleep deprived. But at least it was not as bad as the other days I went out... At least a nap fixed my, ehh, 'off-ness'.

Most of my trips are through RnRs. I hadn't had a lot of it even back when I go to school tours.

I hope someday I can just leave the city by myself, find a spot I can just go... Sometimes I do that; at the malls, at random seats by the market -- usually with my pen and mini-calendar notebook.

How I wish I can only just carry a wallet, phone, keys... Maybe exclude the phone, not much in the wallet, and a single key back at home.

Nope; I need some meds, a hankie incase I get those sneeze fests, some small notebooks in case I was not fast enough to write something down or had to write down and give it to someone... Or suddenly have an urge to draw. 

Always have the fancyism of the possibility that I wanna write a story, write an info, draw or sketch out; "just in case" or all the sudden -- of course, of course, like any fancyisms, it won't happen and thus having a pointless habit of carrying certain items 'just in case'. But as to why or what I bring is another story...

Usually, writing and thinking about some plan or list is conducive when I'm out at night over a cool breeze out...

But alas; I also had to learn how to feel safe and assured. This also means, privacy and being out in the open with something I won't mind getting lost or stolen.

Though, I know how to be reckless and daring. Even to a point of walking at midnight from work; which I did back when I was still working a lot of times to a point of worrying other people... Another story.

I don't actually like carrying things when going out. Having to mind items constantly so it won't get lost or stolen. Or, having to mind how I walk if I'm carrying something heavy; minding that I may broke it, drop it, etc. 

It's distracting. At least it's not as distracting minding that I'm with other people; though it's relevant to the topic that there's a good reason why I prefer to be alone. 

Overall, I like going out. I can just walk for hours end.

But for me to enjoy it; it takes painstaking self care and luck. 

And I suck at planning because I never trust myself to follow it through, never had a chance to practice and 'believe' it works. Someday it will change but that's another topic.

Not that I'm undermining any effort of any disabled folks who needs an even more immense amount of self-care just to do the basics and without the luxury of comfort or ease; but this isn't about them.

So I had another habit on top of going out; why go out without enjoying it?

I had a habit of walking for hours. Doesn't necessarily mean I'm in great shape; body is still not as efficient. Another story. Relevant; I can walk, rain or shine -- though age makes it a bit harder now.

I had a random habit of going out to buy stuff at the markets or groceries. Yet usually not in bulk or at least won't last a week.

Sure, I like the idea of stocking for an entire year of supplies -- but where I'm now is not suitable for something like that. Fancying, but at least I know deep down it's not feasible year,

So; does this mean I enjoy festivities whenever I'm out? Not necessarily. It's just another ritual. Doesn't matter how colorful or what the histories are.

But; free food is free food. Certain novel activities and uncommon merchandises may be interesting. Usually that's what I look forward to.

If not that; then the bare minimum of claiming that 'I was there'.

The Quiet Week

Why?

I prefer to call it The Quiet Week as opposed to Holy Week

It resonates with me that way. 

While I was born into the Catholic rituals and traditions... I'm not really a worshipper. To me, it's just rituals. It's just... Something others to do because history and beliefs and all that.

This cosy. And quiet. And peaceful.

The town is basically almost a ghost town.

Not that I mind. I had prepared the day before.

So a good portion of the week, no stupid loud live bands and no unnecessary broadcasts.

Except the poems and singing passions -- I don't get them. I cannot understand them. I have auditory processing issues. So to me they're just patterned noise.

At least it's not as disruptive as a live band.

And the only way to mess up my walks outside are the weather... Though the weather had gone weird lately.

I wish I still have my room; from the picture. It was taken sometime between Christmas Eve and New Year...

Well, I might as well have my own rituals, maybe related to how I'm, spiritually.

I don't do well with Religious Observations. Heck, I even skipped my aunt's funeral few days ago and only showed up at the last minute of the burial. Anything else is just noise, noise, noise. 

Though how I take death will be another story for another day.

This is about the quiet week.

While my mom's actively participating and collaborating with the religious occasions -- I'm just at home, enjoying the silence.

And if I ever have something remotely spiritual to go to; I'm better off with reminders than the word God itself.

This is a post personally typed and submitted by me; it's about some metaphor of God being in one's heart.

Here's my response:

I'm not specifically raised a Christian. And I'm not a devout Catholic.

Yet I do get what that meant somehow.

It feels like a tiny yet a bright spark than a hole in my chest. I knew and 'have' this as a child.

It's not hollow. There's nothing to be 'filled' in there.

There's nothing for me to 'accept' to fill it whole -- so there's no saviour for me to accept, there's no god for me to beg and satisfy it.

It is not derived from a person. It has no face, it has no name, it has no audible voice that I can imagine from it. Just light.

It's a subjective feeling and a somewhat knowing to me. Whatever this is, it's the very reason why I never, ever felt lonely...

Some can relate and understand, some cannot.

And projecting anything towards it would 'spoil' it.

And whatever it is, I do not worship it. I do not glorify it. I do not 'condemn' those who "don't have it".

It is wordless. It's more of a belief concept than whatever I picked up. It's not 'godly' in a sense of how most gods are portrayed.

It felt more like a really, really dear friend who will never judge you, or how a loving parent should feel like yet without the demanding and uneven dynamic between a traditional parent and a child, or this childhood thing that you love so much that you'd trust all your secrets to it.

It whispers of good things.

Forgiveness, true empathy, humbleness, emotional resolve and courage, prosocial ideas, sometimes wisdom, etc...

Things any child should be exposed of and safely express. Things that no one taught or often shown me in this physical existence.

Not my family, not school... No one. Any attempts just confuses me.

The longer I acknowledge this feeling, the calmer and safer everything felt...

Yet like most humans with an ego, I do not listen to it. Or even 'hear' it all the time.

Because it's silly. Or irrational.

And getting caught up with this world existing with the thoughts and feelings, along with the stress and the environmental distractions left me not much room or time for it.

Not this... Ritual and projections or whatever. That even feels rigid and demanding.

No one explicitly taught me this. Especially as a child when sermons and lectures are just noises.

Going to the church won't let me access this light. Going to a sermon won't give me time and processing.

I get better luck with meditation and reminders.

So yeah.

I do sort of have a 'relationship' with this feeling, if one calls it that. It's neutral at worst. And because of stupid EF issues, sometimes I just forget it exists.

It always exists in this all encompassing background.

The same way I have a serious hate relationship with my sympathetic nervous system for dragging my development down, for it's inability to regulate and whenever it's triggered an unwanted memory at the wrong time and place.

Anyways.

I don't read the Bible.

Partially because my verbal abilities are that bad and a lot of sayings just confuses the heck out of me.

Partially I do not trust the popular translations in English. And I basically understand nothing when it's translated to my native language.

Really, 'commandments'? And not well, 'sayings'?

I'll consider reading if there's a more faithful translation that can actually translate the ancient contexts.

Not agendas about how women are inferior or how humans should be obedient and submit to whatever.

Feeling or not...

I'm just not drawn to most ways religions are taking itself a bit too seriously. 

Sometimes I read it from time to time. To recall it.

Might be why I know how to compose a living breathing prayer. But that's another post in another time.

I'm not an atheist. I'm not particularly religious. I don't have what constitutes as a religious belief; just assumptions. And feelings.

I don't have a particular opinion over the Holy Week in my country. Nothing about the story of Jesus and how he died and resurrected. Nothing about other people reenacting his last moments as said by the bible, or if it's becoming more secular or not...

It's just another ritual to me. Like how I have to watch a foreign custom and 'respect' it by mimicking behaviors or ask some itinerary of whatever holiday.

In any other case;

Enjoy Quiet Week of this country.

Nails. Fingernails.

I was trying to change it's shape. Because it's usually a mix of squared and rounded.

Don't care if it doesn't look feminine or lady like.

One of the few habits I'm able to retain and do every week is to give myself a manicure and pedicure.

I do it myself. I know it's a bit costly to spend something that may not last for 2 weeks. So I have my own set...

Not clumsy enough to mess it up, usually...

Only painted with natural colored nail polish.

Then one day I looked at my nails for a moment. My toes especially -- I observed that the shapes are not as consistent.

That my nails are actually very short.

That I still retain the lengths relatively from my childhood.

I used to bite my nails as a child, but I forgot how I dropped the habit. Maybe it was replaced.

I also used to impulsively pick off nail polish. Then suddenly I don't after years of never wearing any nail polish.

I used to not make it any more elaborate until I find how to make nail polish stay a bit long... Or at least less prone to breaking off. Now I apply at least 2 thin layers.

I used to just... Cut my nails every week or so. And it's usually too short.

Reminds me of those 'it's late for me to realize this stupid habit but better late but never thing' -- like how I kept cleaning plates of servings past comfort but that's another story for another day...

Then, realizing how short it is -- that it made cutting and cleaning difficult.

That some shapes would make my finger nails prone to ingrown nails.

I wouldn't want that.

I want to make it consistent so I did.

Let the nails grew a bit until I can shape it up.

And I sort of did. At least with my hands first -- my feet would come later.

Instead of 'roundish', I made it a bit 'squarish'.

And it looked a bit awkward. Because of the visible thing where you can see dusts or whatever underneath those nails.

I may need a neutral, skin tone matched nail polish color instead of natural transparent ones soon.

It's not like I'm obsessed with nail polish.

My mom used to -- sort of. And it used to be her mini livelihood.

... Also remembered that apparently, I'm the only one who can apply nail polish to my former boss without tickling her.

... Also those painful procedures that involves picking off flesh and potentially let it bleed... Well, I'm NOT at that level. Again, I'm not a professional.

... Also that I recall that I only ever paid for manicure and pedicure once. 

How silly to mention that -- though, still, if I'm going to spend like 2USD equivalent every other week, that would be going to the gym. Whatever gym related topic I have in mind now is another topic for another day...

Also I've yet to try making a habit on filing my nails.

Also I've yet to accustom with my fingernail shape whenever I scratch my head or just scratch overall.

I don't want mine long.

And I don't want the less convenient nail shape.

But it is still feels awkward. Underneath the nails was this roundish shape internal skin thing -- while the nails itself are squarish. It just feels weird. 

The less closer to cut over the skin might be vulnerable to bending and I don't like it.

And I scratch a lot. My head especially. My fingers feels so... "Uneven".

Hope I will someday just get used to it.

Know my own fingers. It's limits and all that feeling.

Work in progress.

Fleeing Ideas...

It's a frustrating thing, you see...

There came a thought, and it was a good idea.

At the time, "confident" that I'd remember such a good idea.

Only to find that it's no longer there.

Frustrated, like how it is frustrating the feeling that you want to say something but it's at the tip of your tongue.

It's an issue I've been having trouble fixing.

I carry a pen and paper around me. And I always have my phone.

Yet I cannot seem to make the habit to write those ideas down.

Why?

Maybe it's this lingering childhood habit that I cannot let go because as a child, my memory was great.

As I grow older... It just becomes less and less reliable...

And I'm not even 30 yet!

But I can feel it -- year by year. I can sense this subtle downgrade since age 15, slowly and surely accumulating negatives in me.

I don't think it's normal. Or a sign that it's your everyday aging. Something is just wrong.

I tried to compensate with that -- only for the habit not to stick.

Kept forgetting, kept being 'arrogant' or whatever.

As if I cannot learn. And it's been so, so long.

It's like those weeks -- great days, I built up over the course of few weeks.

Only to be all gone. And not being able to pick up from where I left off.

And even if I did have a record -- the motivation is no longer there. It's as if I cannot adapt.

I used to fear forgetting things.

Until it became too much -- and I was so young at the time.

Until something colder; yes, bouts of depression came, but back then it did not stick.

Now as an adult, it's trapping me into unwanted places.

Not only ideas, but also the things I already learned.

It's not burn out or some form of regression. It's not "out of practice" either... It's not real depression either -- else it doesn't feel like some inconsistent cycle that's coincidentally went bad at puberty, interfered and exacerbated by hormonal cycles.

But I'm losing... "Prerequisites." It's something I already knew, I already done -- and like a carpet rug being pulled under me... No longer accessible until it came again.

But my head is dumb.

"Fancyisms" that I'm still this reliable person in my head, which resonates when it happens -- yet no longer.

Frustrating. Why can I not just let go??

When I feel like myself more, I get so many ideas. See all the possibilities, being able to think forwardly, dreaming and hoping of freedom, of independence as to how I will live my life.

THEN it's gone. Like some false hope, being baited by my own head or body or whatever this is.

I mentioned before; my short term memory sucks.

Whatever I had initially, which is below average, was somehow just enough. Could afford to just be content with that.

But whatever I had less than I had initially is not, I cannot adapt to it.

"Hoping" there is this me, buried beneath this unreliable character. And I just cannot let it go.

Sometimes I managed to write it down.

Then forget what I wrote. Or that list even exists.

The point of list is to remember -- but what will you do if you don't remember the list exists?

No, I don't have ADHD. 

I have executive dysfunctions that I'm not supposed to be having. And I hate it so much.

The worst part is that the habit requires to interrupt myself, pause and write it down.

But I don't do that. That costs me; to shift gears for the sake of 'recalling' -- and it's not even a guaranteed thing.

Sigh.

This is a pathetic post.

Likely one of the many rants and one of the many whinings to come.

So I do not have the energy to shift gears, so take urgency?

"DO IT NOW!!!" Like some sort of sprint.

Actually, it's detrimental too -- no room to decern if it's a good idea, no room for pros and cons, no room to judge if it's relevant.

There is no pause button. Not even the list -- the list is not taken as a 'save button'. It's either now or never-maybes again in another random time and place.

Oh, and I ever suck at this mental sprint. The road disappears before something great happens.

I was not always like this.

And I might as well repeat that phase.

Something is wrong.

And I might as well repeat that phase.

It's a stupid cycle.

May rant-elaborate someday...

The thought of this just... Pisses me sometimes. Among other thoughts that rings in my head and pisses me off. Which is, well, not yet on the level of writing I have yet... Or, I don't have the prerequisite at the moment.

I don't like these fluctuations.

I don't like these inconsistencies.

And I cannot adapt to it. And every time I tried -- it's as good as those fleeing ideas.