Odd Hours

I'm never a morning person... 

Except that ONE time, that made the best week of my adult life... 

Wish it happens. Wishing it's my 'normal'.

... It's likely that I have some sleep disorder. Crappy sleep quality, sensory issues, nasal breathing issues (chronic rhinitis), etc...

Having to deal with that, which is a daily living issue I may rant some day...

Today I wake up being less lazy or 'down'. Must be elevating estrogen week.

Woke up afternoon. Still spent at least few hours before getting up from the bed...

At least it's not because of my gut and debating my head to eat like some spoiled toddler, or feeling heavy as if I'm sick, or those days when it felt like I did not slept at all.

It's not unusual of me to be awake at noon, go about around dusk times, and sleep around sunrise.

Today I did my laundry. At 7pm.

Usually I do it around 3pm or 3am. But not now.

When I was still going to school, I always feel crap all day. At night, I just struggle to go to bed. 

I grew up hating sleep.

Unlike most adults wanting it more, I want to actually not have any.

Because sometimes, waking up from any sleep -- be it a nap or a 24 hour recovery hurts. Inertia that lasts for hours, maybe it never went away for days even.

And I'm not talking about weird uncomfortable sleeping positions and waking up random symptoms due to the room's humidity, temperature and the hormones.

There's something off with my nerves. And I cannot tell how or why. It just comes and goes.

And no check ups for me. Too expensive. And it's a gamble; don't want any stupid appointment turn into some 'its-in-your-head' talk.

So I'll just take the matters into my own hands since other people were presumptuous ("you got a lot in mind", "just relax"), doctors are also presumptuous ("drink more water", "less stress", "no screen time") and none could help me. 

At any rate, I have no issues relaxing or emptying my head. I just don't know what I have.

"Have a regular consistent sleep schedule"

Yeah, I tried that for years.

It's even more painful.

My most ideal so far is to count my sleep length by 90 minutes (an hour and half) instead of by 60 minutes (an hour), segmented and in odd hours.

As a child I always wanted to have a night class. But alas, that did not happen. I was born too soon. No amount of regular schedules stick with me -- which is frustrating. I may elaborate in another time.

Right now, as an adult, I would like a job that starts at noon or night shifts. But alas... Something is wrong.

Was it because I'm neurodivergent? Oh, sure. That's partially the reason.

The rest feels too physical. If I did not know any better, I thought I'm depressed or anxious. But I highly doubt it. 

I don't want something so dumb and stupid like mistaking my chronic breathing issues and whatever caused my low blood pressure with all the issues it causes -- for something psychological.

So at day, after waking up, I get varying symptoms to a point that I may stay in bed for hours before getting up, that going to the bathroom or eating is not enough to me to get up. Or not at all, all day long.

And thus...

I end up hating this body.

But that's another story for another day.

Only that -- I prefer odd hours ever since I was a child.

Not because it's quieter; karaoke and live bands still plays around here and even at odd hours.

Not because it's dimmer; I actually like the sun. 

Never because it's colder. I cannot tolerate cold well. I actually like warmth. And night time humidity is one of my rhinitis/sinusitis triggers.

Maybe because way less people will bother me. No one to poke me. No one to talk to me. No one to remind me of whatever and no one around hovering behind me.

Yeah, that's mostly it.

Sometimes when I'm so bored, I go out at odd hours around 3am outside the house.

Maybe walk around the street, stare at the skies, hopefully it was a clear or not raining at all...

I hadn't had stargazing for quite some time.

And sometimes, if I were a little daring, I put on neon clothes and go out to places with my bike, then buy or eat something out...

But nah, today, I'm just doing some personal chores.

Browsing the internet all night long. Maybe play games. It's one of those days that I feel less down and heavy after all.

I don't want that feeling to end. Wish this is at least my baseline, and no more inconsistencies.

Speaking of inconsistencies.

Sometimes my sleep pattern shifts and accumulates. Sometimes it became non-24 hour cycle.

And I have no real eating schedules. No real routines. No shut down protocols. This body is not predictable.

At best only, I get to do those once a week thing or three, but never a daily on-time everyday thing.

Nothing just sticks with me. I may elaborate on that someday, but this post is about odd hours.

Wish there is such thing as a night owl society.

But that won't be so cost effective, so they say.

Maybe, hope science will find infinite source energy? That would be great if that ever happens.

During these odd hours, it feels like a good free time.

Free from reminders and other people bothering me.

Worst it can ruin my day is either some accident or some unwanted guest at home like pests meddling at my stuff and 'sharing' my space without my say so.

Online Online

Well, there's that.

May or may not the point of it though.

First memories of ever using the internet was around 13, 1st year high school (K to 10 school year 2008) around internet shops where most students would skip school or hung around to have time with social media and gaming.

It was back when Friendster was trending.

The internet here sucks, more so back then.

And like any teenagers, I had ridiculous emails and usernames... You know, the unprofessional types that any kid thought it was cool or fancy or something.

At any rate, a year after that -- my house got internet connection.

And oh boy, I was so, so hooked.

That's also when I first started playing online games. As in MMOs, not just flash games and downloading trial or cracked online games.

Was a total newb to a point that I don't know what a torrent was.

My reading comprehension sucks that bad.

I was not much of an active member of any online community, or able to surf around the net like some net savvy kid of that generation back then. I wished I was.

And it still sort of sucks. But nonetheless I try my best.

So my reading comprehension improved by chatting online games.

Online chat lobbies -- ick... Full of messages that says "asl?" (age/sex/location) I don't like it since it usually end up with flirting or worse. Not interested. Just not interested.

And I was also quite lucky -- really lucky. I used the internet without any adult supervision or filters. My newbie internet days landed me on a relatively safe online space. Not toxic, not predatory.

So my first friends on the internet are players around the same age as me. Not talking much about deep stuff yet, nah. That will be for another day and post.

Also which game? Also another day and another post.

And so my reading comprehension grew.

That's when I turned to varying articles... Plenty of learning materials to go about.

Over time, I ended up reading fanfictions.

Too much fanfictons.

Too much articles.

Too much reading.

I should really have a system to take breaks from reading and being around with large amount of written and spoken words, but I'm so addicted.

It did not reflect with liking books though.

I could finish reading several chapters of some long over 50k+ words parody fanfiction and complete it in less than 2 days, but not or barely a chapter of any books, PDF copy or otherwise.

A habit I still carry to this day. Sigh.

With that reading comprehension growth...

I also became one of the many lurkers of many online spaces.

Not shouting any opinions, not debating, not trolling anyone... I keep myself out of it. Don't want any drama.

Instead I just got better around using search engines.

Persistently finding something. Usually, I wouldn't know until I find it.

My past online life as one of those teenagers around a relatively small MMORPG game was one of the days I would never regret.

I miss those online game friends to this day.

But that's not all.

It took a bit more reading comprehension on my part to start participating in online spaces.

I got to learn certain terms; which is offensive, which isn't. And so on and so on.

I have this weird mental list of which is offensive to which words are.

The 'vibe' of the communities.

Getting to feel what might be alright to ask.

To attempt to do it all at once is overwhelming.

As a teenager, I can do it.

Now, I question myself if I could... I hate aging.

But that will be for another day, another blog post. Don't want to suddenly make this one post into something into some less relevant branch off. I struggle to be relevant at a time.

Oh, and I don't even proof read what I'm writing.

That's quite a dare.

But I digress...

Online communities -- it had to depend on the sizes.

Never joined any fandom.

Never subscribed into any channel.

Not yet.

Online participation?
Not much going on in Facebook nowadays.

I'm a complete noob at Discord.

Ahh, I miss my past online life.

But it cannot be helped; I quit when I got to college and when the house cannot keep the internet connection.

Around those time; I lost my PC.

For... About... 8-9 years give or take.

I was working.

Too tired to do games.

And reading random stuff became something of a coping mechanism that made worse.

To a point that it consumes my time during work.

Then I quit work.

The external stresses are gone.

But the habit is the same.

Tried entering a few groups here and there and...

Nothing much happened.

What am I expecting?

Oh well.

Even after I quit my job...

The stress is still there.

But again, another story for another day and blog post.

Just how many possible branching topics did I wrote now? 3-4??

Not that I will remember it in the future. Maybe I do when I do remember it.

My now online life; I currently am active to a few online communities.

Neurodivergent led communities.

Autistic led communities.

You read that right.

But I won't elaborate more of that. Not yet. Another day, another blog post.

This blog post is about my online life so far.

And it's not that big. Not really.

The countless choices overwhelms me to no end. I could just break from just switching between 4-5 most often visited sites I visit and the additional 2-6 occasional other sites I play around with.

Sigh.

Even this stresses me out.

There isn't much for me in real life. Not really.

Or at least, nothing I can handle yet.

How or why is another story for another time.

What, more topic branches?

Still sticking to the topic.

As much as I miss my old online friends...

I don't communicate with my family online either.

I also suck at maintaining social contacts.

If not follow ups. 

Where I'm most active was basically a forum where I just dump random stuff.

Which can last a week.

This blog may even last a week if it fell to my... Whatever issue I'm dealing since I was a teenager.

Another topic for another day to elaborate on what that issue is.

But for now...

I could've just choose and create something, you know?

But I couldn't seem to.

My head says I'm tired.

Depressed? Nah...

It's just hormones. Stupid hormones.

Even my chattiness can be just hormones.

So I tried to learn how to do freelance.

But there's so much gap to the knowledge.

And I'm not very business savvy.

I really want to be an actual freelancing online job.

But nooooooo.

I got "too lazy" and easily pissed at clients constant messaging.

Sigh...

I'm not afraid of screwing up myself.

I'm more afraid of screwing up someone.

I don't like it.

Another story for another day -- for now, I don't have the "discipline" or "professionalism" to do freelance work.

All because my body forgets as soon as I wake up... Or panic for looking at the time.

Not a good experience even back when I was working.

I wish I can just... Go back and play.

But... Something is just holding me back.

Right now, I'm just floating around surfing the internet, reading.

And reading.

And reading...

And more reading.....

Just to kill time.

And kill more time...

... Until "it's over"... Whatever this 'laziness' is. Whatever this 'waiting' is. Whatever this 'feeling' is. Whatever 'drove' me into some procrastination.

Until then...

I'm just reading.

Randomly writing.

Maybe a poke or two.

Printer

This is something random.

About basic troubleshooting printers.

Well, at least I am currently not one of those who urgently need one right now, only for it  to break down on me -- which is sometimes quite the meme.

Hm.

At any rate, there isn't a lot of tech savvy enough people around my mom's workplace. I'm the closest convenient thing they got so...

I was asked to fix a printer.

Because it prints off color.

So I did cleaned the nozzles out via printer maintenance options from the computer.

First test print -- diagnosed that magenta doesn't print. Checked the ink case; there's still plenty of ink.

After cleaning once, which takes about  3 minutes each -- on print test, nothing.

Second clean, print test -- nothing.

Third -- no change.

Sixth -- ah, there's a smidge of magenta.

So I went on and on and on... I skipped several cleans right after since it'll be a waste of ink and paper.

Thankfully there are plenty of scraps of wrongly printed papers to test print with. Else I wasted much more...

Initially, and sometimes instinctively, I thought one just have to do this once or twice until it's done.

That stupid instinct is always wrong.

I wonder if it's because I'm impatient or something stupider like those... 'Fancyisms'. I'll tell another day and post what that means but for now...

Until for about the 20th time it was cleaned, magenta starts to, well, half way print on test print.

25th clean, 8th print test -- it's alright now.

For now.

On the 6th clean and 5th test print...

This is a post test.

I made this placeholder first post so I can just view what I'm doing with the layout options.

Do not mind this post unless you're bored or really like to read.

No, there's no easter eggs here.

I'm basically doing custom themes options, constantly pressing refresh on a trial and error basis. Paragraphs skips a line. Normal texts do not.

I'm a very visual-pattern person, though. 

My short term memory is crap. 

The preview in the option isn't enough since there are blanks so...

This is a post test.

I can just post long stuff over nothing.

Too bad I can't do it in real life speech. Because that will be awkward. And because I'm not always in the mood to.

I do not like words. Not that I have any other choice about it.

This blog is created on a whim.

This blog may be viewed by anyone.

This blog is not private, not really. 

But I pray no one connects the dots. I prefer my real life and online separate.

Yet like any other, sometimes I cannot help but bring something up from real life.

Because I'm too moody to a point sometimes I cannot accept it.

Yet. Not yet. Not by choice. Not really. But that's another story in another day/post.