Coherence

Of unwanted tabs in my head opened without my say so, and software running in the background without my permission...

A world chronically tinted in fiery red...

I escaped it; most of it.

Sometimes, I labeled my processing reliability as "coherence" as much as I label the stuff my head promises to be good but turned out to be a lie as "fancyism"...

And indeed, it is somewhat accurate.

The more I'm able to put two and two together, the more coherent I'm getting at; it ranges from experience to learning in general. Just about everything, really.

But for most of my existence, it's not the case.

It's mostly coping with crap. And I wasted so, so much of my life because of it.

There I go again, whining about the same thing that this brain/body/whatever is not able to let go for literally decades.

How I wish I can process everything very fast.

How I wish I can truly move on fast.

How I wish I can be so flexible that there's not a part of me being too stupid stubborn...

And autism is not an excuse for me. I don't care, really. This is my life, not "it's"...

From getting "git gud" at video games to real life crisis.

... And the REAL ability to actually progress to "git gud" thru practice.

Many believed I'm intelligent, but I don't feel like believing that for years now.

Yes, I think a lot, but does that yield anything coherent? Anything real? Anything applicable? Anything more real?

I highly doubt it.

Novel, different -- yes, that IS me.
But smart?.. I have high doubts. Prideful, yes, which can feed the whole thing into but...

I always have doubts.

I do not "believe in the process".

I do not gamble.

I get reckless; incoherently reckless and "be lucky".

I don't want that existence. I do not want that life. And yet, here I'm.

People thinks I want a comfortable life; no... Heck no. Technically, I AM in a "comfortable life"; what I truly, truly want is so simple that nobody was able to say it because they mostly have it their whole lives: It's to be well regulated.

When I'm well regulated, everything is coherent.

But those days were rare...

Yes, my existence do not feel as hard or as tense-like for 24/7, and yet...
It's not enough. Even if I gotten rid of the source, what's the damage? The residues, the habits... All that undoing and redoing...

Utterly exhausted in making it all happen...

Ridding of the source of hung ups are not enough, no... It makes everything more coherent and existing feel easier, but that doesn't mean functioning and let my intent match my actions.

There's also my fundamental misunderstanding of things, there's also the inefficiencies, there's also unknown deficiencies, there's also more mismanagements... 

Not just the ghosts in the nervous system, not just the echoes from the ignorant younger selves, not just the unreliable behaviorism and the neurological familiarity...

Of all the crap, really -- what am I doing wrong that others are doing it right???

Some would claim and insist; "you're just human" or "accept your limitations".

I wanted more than this existence. If I accept as I'm now, I'd be bed rotting for years, never had to try, never had to bother doing anything. I was never forced to do anything but to exist in this life.

If I were capable of pushing through, I'd do it.

But would this body allow me? No. it doesn't care about MY life; I hold a huge grudge over the fact that I had to bare with it all.

I'm not even ill. Just one of those "chronically slightly discomfortable" type of whatever condition, and then blame the neurodivergency for not being able to manage it because "everyone goes through it".

But again, at some point -- I don't care anymore. I already tried asking for help about those and complained about it for most of my life, and all they see is the reactivity...

Everyone around me thought all I need was validation or that emotional BS -- I want solutions above else, I want the whole thing to just fricking end, whatever that might be.

I don't care enough if something went so wrong that something inside me might be growing worse.
I don't care enough if something grew into something fatal.

Nobody helped, and I don't care anymore to even ask.
I know I cannot solve it alone, but I was basically forced to.

If it grew terminal, good! That means I have way less time to bear with this existence any longer.

And I'm not going to fight it if I ever get a diagnosis. I already couldn't function well when I'm still "well enough to complain and push through", why else should I try and prolong that?

The faster this body expires for good, the faster I get to be free from it...

What is the point of living if I couldn't be myself?
I'm not asking to be happy and I'm not asking to have a life of convenience, I'm asking to be MYSELF and NOT THIS BODY.

That's really all I'm asking, really.
Oh? People are disabled, ill, etc. Wishing the same things and "had it worse than me?"

Welp! A lot of people are "had it worse than me" alright and still function and live the way they want.
So what is my excuse? "What are they doing right that I'm doing wrong?" 

If you say acceptance, you would had to educate me what that even means, other than "that doesn't mean giving up" -- Oh I already knew. I've been through several phases myself.

Except; like I said from the previous entries, my experiences do not count for something.

Being obviously stuck in this developmental loop that whatever I'm learning, it gets twisted into something less reliable... I'm fairly sure I have several entries of something that's repeated for several times throughout several separate incidences.

And not to mention whatever fundamental misunderstanding I'm getting.

"Early childhood development" -- I wish I can just skip this BS entirely so I never had to do the work and undone what it did to me. 

IT is the very core reason why I envy the privileged. Most kids would say they either had it OK or BAD (i.e. crime, abuse, extreme poverty, etc.).

What their outsides looked matches their insides. And the only element of how that can be contradicted was to be manipulated by outside parties and hostile entities -- I don't have that "excuse" either.

But me? My childhood looked OK on the outside.
But in the inside? It is mostly tinted by chronic dysregulation and unmanageable illnesses that everyone dismisses that everyone could've manage it if I were "normal". 

Thus; on the outside, I live a very comfortable convenient life.

Inside? I wanted nothing to do with it. I want to leave. Leave this name, leave this body, leave this life, leave this stupid story forever.

I'm not living a life, just as I'm not having a childhood -- all because it's all coping with crap.

People can treat me well, give everything to me, love me, etc. But that's never enough?

"I'm living in someone's dream life" -- I wish we can swap, then!
I'll live their hard life where they can still move around and about and the ability to learn those stupid lessons; a chance to progress, ACTUALLY PROGRESS AND MOVE ABOUT LIKE MOST PEOPLE or actually have an EXCUSE why one couldn't -- they live my comfortable life of not being able to learn any damn lessons and all that misattribution and being unheard and only being in ONE DAMN PLACE, UNABLE TO EVOLVE WITH NO EXCUSES... THEY WOULD HAD TO SOLVE THIS STUPID MYSTERY THAT IS "ME" THEN!

That I "might" be ill this whole time?
Maybe... But does that count? Apparently not. Like I said; everyone had to worse than me but still live the way they would've...

Oh but "you don't need permission to rest/recover/etc." AS IF I'M NOT DOING IT FOR LITERAL YEARS SINCE CHILDHOOD.

I don't want advice, I don't want "words of encouragement"... I WANT SOLUTIONS.

The more coherent my life becomes... The more I desire those solutions. 

The more I kept finding out that I was fricking damn right and they're all fricking damn wrong about this shite of a life I'm living.

The closest thing that truly come to close; is that "You had to understand why you're hurt"...

NOT "Look through everyone's POV" or "Think of what everyone else think" or "Be mindful of everyone else's feelings" or "THEY HAD IT BAD, TOO" -- YES, YES, I FRICKING KNOW, I DO NOT MATTER AND THEY FRICKING ALL DO.

Not once in life, asks me to understand why I'm hurting.

Not once in life, truly, truly told me to look within and why.

Nope! Everyone kept telling me on and on and on about "empathy" or me being "egocentric" and "self centered". As if that solves the shite of a person that is "me"! As if I never tried and accuse me of being "stubborn", "inflexible", "couldn't adapt", "cannot change" -- it's fricking THEM AND NO WONDER WHY I WISH TO BE DEAF!!..

Frick them all I say.

The more coherent I get... The more wrong they grew...

Me and my fricking bias.

Shift Times and Squared

Another lack of update from yours truly.

I do wish I declare an overhaul but... Nah?

There were a few or so that happened in few months...

Let's see... Gotten back in touch in my old online life around November.

At December; I basically hosted 2 Christmas Parties. Staff Christmas Parties were actually fun!

The locale bit I hosted... I barely did anything there...

... I quit my job before Christmas holidays.

Why? Other than my body starts refusing to get up and end up skipping entire days?...

... I am not learning. It's been a decade since I had decided that I need to play keep up, and nothing to show for. 

And I feel really unheard; "but people still learn from you" learn what? Make an example out of me? No thanks. This is my life and I'm not a cautionary tale for someone to look at.

The point of why I'm working at all is to learn, to play catch up. 

I'm not seeing results. It's not working. I'm leaving for good. Call me selfish, but I'm fairly sure that is a very valid reason why an employee would resign from a work.

I progressed when I get rid of the mentality that "I'm still too young", sure, but...

I wish whatever I have now is something I have 10 years ago instead.

At Christmas, I did something relatively reckless... Like posting something very triggering online. And it yielded at least...

I think it was the most important moment I had ever since; the relentless questions of "Why am I different?"

The realization, the "THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING!!!" All of that, I felt it all. 

This never happened during my formal assessment over 15 years ago; because back then, it's like "UGH, DUH!!!"

Everything that had happened to me and why everything that I searched in the internet was never enough; finally explained in a middle of a reckless commentary session...

... An explanation that I will never attain in real life.

After the realization that: how I regulate my sense of self is very different, might be why I never felt lonely, why I respond to fear and stress differently, why my tolerance seems low; it's to maintain something very metabolically draining...

... Why I burnout at teenage years despite not masking, why my own body was the most hostile environment of my own brain, why is my whole body cranked up 24/7 despite relaxing, why I cannot relate to many neurodivergents... 

.. And what made me so different in a human sense; was because my regulatory bias is different. A trade-off of sorts. Most people maintain this through socialization -- I don't, instead it's something internally drawn from myself. 

Perfect for asocial people. Not very good for not very healthy ones. It's exhausting.
Nonetheless, it ended this endless pursuit for trying to understand myself.

Now all I have left was.. 15+ years of habit. Unwanted habit of searching for something I thought was there but it's not.

And then the household finally moved out of renting from an apartment, and into my old childhood home... Not the same house or structure, but definitely the same space.

Amongst other things; I gave up speaking too much. I hate being a yapper. It's from my mom.

And I hold a grudge over that, really because it doesn't feel like me.

So, instead, I was told over and over; to see through her lens, see through her place, that she's doing her best, that she's limited to what she can give.

Nope. I had to mourn a parent that I longed; one that never existed.

One that the damnable 5 year old self hope for; rationally knew doesn't exists but emotionally did not care! And kept demanding for this fictional of an expectation alive.

Mourning: done.

Sleeping way better ever since. Mom's voice no longer triggering. 

Still pissed about it, really. If this is the source of my sleep disruption, it's no wonder why I grew hating my younger self even more...

I wonder what the heck else this running rampant in my system that my younger selves had ignorantly screwed up?

And, my biggest self imposed challenge: going back to my old online life, process and recontextualize what had happened during my worst years by reenacting everything while maintaining perspective...

For few months... My left side had been shaking. Going back to the online game my burnout teenage self from 15+ years is the perfect medium for this. I quit this particular game abruptly, hoping I'd focus more on college...

... You know what? I think I regret quitting. Maybe I shouldn't had quit at all. I spent over 12 years over this idea of what I should do and...

... Nothing to show for. Only losing interests overtime, only losing more and more of myself in coping with crap and an exhausting existence. Body not adjusting, mind refusing to learn.

So why not go back in time when it all "started"? Well, more like the whole unwanted bit started at pubescent years, becoming a teenager and quitting school for few years just pushed it.

Had reacquainted with some playmates of mine. Learned their lives a bit.

Like how did they do that?

And amongst other things; relearning, learning... It was good.

But I had to maintain perspective.

So I went back in moments when I'm still this burnout teenager who stopped going to school. What are my prospects?

Except, I'm no longer a student. I'm an adult whose work experience do not count for something.

Yes, this adult is no longer dealing with untreated dental issue, unmanageable chronic sinus issues, maladaptive daydreaming, nagging endless question of 'why am I different?', mourning for a parent that never existed, contending against maladaptive daydreaming...

Just... More lost than ever.

After integrating the fact of what explained 'why am I different?' I felt adrift more than ever...

... There's always an idea of a person that I still want to be, but...

Why am' I still persistently this... "Person"? This "person" doesn't feel like me. 

This version of me, while healthier, there's still a lingering... Thing... That still holds me back...

... I don't know when I lost that, but... I was certain I still have that when I was 10. I somewhat still have that when I was 15. But I lost in at 20?..

Honestly?
I don't know how to rebuild myself.

I have the time, space, the whole privilege to even the a point allowing to put my life on hold.

But...

.. Why am I not this person that reflects more of myself?
What am I missing?