Online Online

Well, there's that.

May or may not the point of it though.

First memories of ever using the internet was around 13, 1st year high school (K to 10 school year 2008) around internet shops where most students would skip school or hung around to have time with social media and gaming.

It was back when Friendster was trending.

The internet here sucks, more so back then.

And like any teenagers, I had ridiculous emails and usernames... You know, the unprofessional types that any kid thought it was cool or fancy or something.

At any rate, a year after that -- my house got internet connection.

And oh boy, I was so, so hooked.

That's also when I first started playing online games. As in MMOs, not just flash games and downloading trial or cracked online games.

Was a total newb to a point that I don't know what a torrent was.

My reading comprehension sucks that bad.

I was not much of an active member of any online community, or able to surf around the net like some net savvy kid of that generation back then. I wished I was.

And it still sort of sucks. But nonetheless I try my best.

So my reading comprehension improved by chatting online games.

Online chat lobbies -- ick... Full of messages that says "asl?" (age/sex/location) I don't like it since it usually end up with flirting or worse. Not interested. Just not interested.

And I was also quite lucky -- really lucky. I used the internet without any adult supervision or filters. My newbie internet days landed me on a relatively safe online space. Not toxic, not predatory.

So my first friends on the internet are players around the same age as me. Not talking much about deep stuff yet, nah. That will be for another day and post.

Also which game? Also another day and another post.

And so my reading comprehension grew.

That's when I turned to varying articles... Plenty of learning materials to go about.

Over time, I ended up reading fanfictions.

Too much fanfictons.

Too much articles.

Too much reading.

I should really have a system to take breaks from reading and being around with large amount of written and spoken words, but I'm so addicted.

It did not reflect with liking books though.

I could finish reading several chapters of some long over 50k+ words parody fanfiction and complete it in less than 2 days, but not or barely a chapter of any books, PDF copy or otherwise.

A habit I still carry to this day. Sigh.

With that reading comprehension growth...

I also became one of the many lurkers of many online spaces.

Not shouting any opinions, not debating, not trolling anyone... I keep myself out of it. Don't want any drama.

Instead I just got better around using search engines.

Persistently finding something. Usually, I wouldn't know until I find it.

My past online life as one of those teenagers around a relatively small MMORPG game was one of the days I would never regret.

I miss those online game friends to this day.

But that's not all.

It took a bit more reading comprehension on my part to start participating in online spaces.

I got to learn certain terms; which is offensive, which isn't. And so on and so on.

I have this weird mental list of which is offensive to which words are.

The 'vibe' of the communities.

Getting to feel what might be alright to ask.

To attempt to do it all at once is overwhelming.

As a teenager, I can do it.

Now, I question myself if I could... I hate aging.

But that will be for another day, another blog post. Don't want to suddenly make this one post into something into some less relevant branch off. I struggle to be relevant at a time.

Oh, and I don't even proof read what I'm writing.

That's quite a dare.

But I digress...

Online communities -- it had to depend on the sizes.

Never joined any fandom.

Never subscribed into any channel.

Not yet.

Online participation?
Not much going on in Facebook nowadays.

I'm a complete noob at Discord.

Ahh, I miss my past online life.

But it cannot be helped; I quit when I got to college and when the house cannot keep the internet connection.

Around those time; I lost my PC.

For... About... 8-9 years give or take.

I was working.

Too tired to do games.

And reading random stuff became something of a coping mechanism that made worse.

To a point that it consumes my time during work.

Then I quit work.

The external stresses are gone.

But the habit is the same.

Tried entering a few groups here and there and...

Nothing much happened.

What am I expecting?

Oh well.

Even after I quit my job...

The stress is still there.

But again, another story for another day and blog post.

Just how many possible branching topics did I wrote now? 3-4??

Not that I will remember it in the future. Maybe I do when I do remember it.

My now online life; I currently am active to a few online communities.

Neurodivergent led communities.

Autistic led communities.

You read that right.

But I won't elaborate more of that. Not yet. Another day, another blog post.

This blog post is about my online life so far.

And it's not that big. Not really.

The countless choices overwhelms me to no end. I could just break from just switching between 4-5 most often visited sites I visit and the additional 2-6 occasional other sites I play around with.

Sigh.

Even this stresses me out.

There isn't much for me in real life. Not really.

Or at least, nothing I can handle yet.

How or why is another story for another time.

What, more topic branches?

Still sticking to the topic.

As much as I miss my old online friends...

I don't communicate with my family online either.

I also suck at maintaining social contacts.

If not follow ups. 

Where I'm most active was basically a forum where I just dump random stuff.

Which can last a week.

This blog may even last a week if it fell to my... Whatever issue I'm dealing since I was a teenager.

Another topic for another day to elaborate on what that issue is.

But for now...

I could've just choose and create something, you know?

But I couldn't seem to.

My head says I'm tired.

Depressed? Nah...

It's just hormones. Stupid hormones.

Even my chattiness can be just hormones.

So I tried to learn how to do freelance.

But there's so much gap to the knowledge.

And I'm not very business savvy.

I really want to be an actual freelancing online job.

But nooooooo.

I got "too lazy" and easily pissed at clients constant messaging.

Sigh...

I'm not afraid of screwing up myself.

I'm more afraid of screwing up someone.

I don't like it.

Another story for another day -- for now, I don't have the "discipline" or "professionalism" to do freelance work.

All because my body forgets as soon as I wake up... Or panic for looking at the time.

Not a good experience even back when I was working.

I wish I can just... Go back and play.

But... Something is just holding me back.

Right now, I'm just floating around surfing the internet, reading.

And reading.

And reading...

And more reading.....

Just to kill time.

And kill more time...

... Until "it's over"... Whatever this 'laziness' is. Whatever this 'waiting' is. Whatever this 'feeling' is. Whatever 'drove' me into some procrastination.

Until then...

I'm just reading.

Randomly writing.

Maybe a poke or two.