Coherence

Of unwanted tabs in my head opened without my say so, and software running in the background without my permission...

A world chronically tinted in fiery red...

I escaped it; most of it.

Sometimes, I labeled my processing reliability as "coherence" as much as I label the stuff my head promises to be good but turned out to be a lie as "fancyism"...

And indeed, it is somewhat accurate.

The more I'm able to put two and two together, the more coherent I'm getting at; it ranges from experience to learning in general. Just about everything, really.

But for most of my existence, it's not the case.

It's mostly coping with crap. And I wasted so, so much of my life because of it.

There I go again, whining about the same thing that this brain/body/whatever is not able to let go for literally decades.

How I wish I can process everything very fast.

How I wish I can truly move on fast.

How I wish I can be so flexible that there's not a part of me being too stupid stubborn...

And autism is not an excuse for me. I don't care, really. This is my life, not "it's"...

From getting "git gud" at video games to real life crisis.

... And the REAL ability to actually progress to "git gud" thru practice.

Many believed I'm intelligent, but I don't feel like believing that for years now.

Yes, I think a lot, but does that yield anything coherent? Anything real? Anything applicable? Anything more real?

I highly doubt it.

Novel, different -- yes, that IS me.
But smart?.. I have high doubts. Prideful, yes, which can feed the whole thing into but...

I always have doubts.

I do not "believe in the process".

I do not gamble.

I get reckless; incoherently reckless and "be lucky".

I don't want that existence. I do not want that life. And yet, here I'm.

People thinks I want a comfortable life; no... Heck no. Technically, I AM in a "comfortable life"; what I truly, truly want is so simple that nobody was able to say it because they mostly have it their whole lives: It's to be well regulated.

When I'm well regulated, everything is coherent.

But those days were rare...

Yes, my existence do not feel as hard or as tense-like for 24/7, and yet...
It's not enough. Even if I gotten rid of the source, what's the damage? The residues, the habits... All that undoing and redoing...

Utterly exhausted in making it all happen...

Ridding of the source of hung ups are not enough, no... It makes everything more coherent and existing feel easier, but that doesn't mean functioning and let my intent match my actions.

There's also my fundamental misunderstanding of things, there's also the inefficiencies, there's also unknown deficiencies, there's also more mismanagements... 

Not just the ghosts in the nervous system, not just the echoes from the ignorant younger selves, not just the unreliable behaviorism and the neurological familiarity...

Of all the crap, really -- what am I doing wrong that others are doing it right???

Some would claim and insist; "you're just human" or "accept your limitations".

I wanted more than this existence. If I accept as I'm now, I'd be bed rotting for years, never had to try, never had to bother doing anything. I was never forced to do anything but to exist in this life.

If I were capable of pushing through, I'd do it.

But would this body allow me? No. it doesn't care about MY life; I hold a huge grudge over the fact that I had to bare with it all.

I'm not even ill. Just one of those "chronically slightly discomfortable" type of whatever condition, and then blame the neurodivergency for not being able to manage it because "everyone goes through it".

But again, at some point -- I don't care anymore. I already tried asking for help about those and complained about it for most of my life, and all they see is the reactivity...

Everyone around me thought all I need was validation or that emotional BS -- I want solutions above else, I want the whole thing to just fricking end, whatever that might be.

I don't care enough if something went so wrong that something inside me might be growing worse.
I don't care enough if something grew into something fatal.

Nobody helped, and I don't care anymore to even ask.
I know I cannot solve it alone, but I was basically forced to.

If it grew terminal, good! That means I have way less time to bear with this existence any longer.

And I'm not going to fight it if I ever get a diagnosis. I already couldn't function well when I'm still "well enough to complain and push through", why else should I try and prolong that?

The faster this body expires for good, the faster I get to be free from it...

What is the point of living if I couldn't be myself?
I'm not asking to be happy and I'm not asking to have a life of convenience, I'm asking to be MYSELF and NOT THIS BODY.

That's really all I'm asking, really.
Oh? People are disabled, ill, etc. Wishing the same things and "had it worse than me?"

Welp! A lot of people are "had it worse than me" alright and still function and live the way they want.
So what is my excuse? "What are they doing right that I'm doing wrong?" 

If you say acceptance, you would had to educate me what that even means, other than "that doesn't mean giving up" -- Oh I already knew. I've been through several phases myself.

Except; like I said from the previous entries, my experiences do not count for something.

Being obviously stuck in this developmental loop that whatever I'm learning, it gets twisted into something less reliable... I'm fairly sure I have several entries of something that's repeated for several times throughout several separate incidences.

And not to mention whatever fundamental misunderstanding I'm getting.

"Early childhood development" -- I wish I can just skip this BS entirely so I never had to do the work and undone what it did to me. 

IT is the very core reason why I envy the privileged. Most kids would say they either had it OK or BAD (i.e. crime, abuse, extreme poverty, etc.).

What their outsides looked matches their insides. And the only element of how that can be contradicted was to be manipulated by outside parties and hostile entities -- I don't have that "excuse" either.

But me? My childhood looked OK on the outside.
But in the inside? It is mostly tinted by chronic dysregulation and unmanageable illnesses that everyone dismisses that everyone could've manage it if I were "normal". 

Thus; on the outside, I live a very comfortable convenient life.

Inside? I wanted nothing to do with it. I want to leave. Leave this name, leave this body, leave this life, leave this stupid story forever.

I'm not living a life, just as I'm not having a childhood -- all because it's all coping with crap.

People can treat me well, give everything to me, love me, etc. But that's never enough?

"I'm living in someone's dream life" -- I wish we can swap, then!
I'll live their hard life where they can still move around and about and the ability to learn those stupid lessons; a chance to progress, ACTUALLY PROGRESS AND MOVE ABOUT LIKE MOST PEOPLE or actually have an EXCUSE why one couldn't -- they live my comfortable life of not being able to learn any damn lessons and all that misattribution and being unheard and only being in ONE DAMN PLACE, UNABLE TO EVOLVE WITH NO EXCUSES... THEY WOULD HAD TO SOLVE THIS STUPID MYSTERY THAT IS "ME" THEN!

That I "might" be ill this whole time?
Maybe... But does that count? Apparently not. Like I said; everyone had to worse than me but still live the way they would've...

Oh but "you don't need permission to rest/recover/etc." AS IF I'M NOT DOING IT FOR LITERAL YEARS SINCE CHILDHOOD.

I don't want advice, I don't want "words of encouragement"... I WANT SOLUTIONS.

The more coherent my life becomes... The more I desire those solutions. 

The more I kept finding out that I was fricking damn right and they're all fricking damn wrong about this shite of a life I'm living.

The closest thing that truly come to close; is that "You had to understand why you're hurt"...

NOT "Look through everyone's POV" or "Think of what everyone else think" or "Be mindful of everyone else's feelings" or "THEY HAD IT BAD, TOO" -- YES, YES, I FRICKING KNOW, I DO NOT MATTER AND THEY FRICKING ALL DO.

Not once in life, asks me to understand why I'm hurting.

Not once in life, truly, truly told me to look within and why.

Nope! Everyone kept telling me on and on and on about "empathy" or me being "egocentric" and "self centered". As if that solves the shite of a person that is "me"! As if I never tried and accuse me of being "stubborn", "inflexible", "couldn't adapt", "cannot change" -- it's fricking THEM AND NO WONDER WHY I WISH TO BE DEAF!!..

Frick them all I say.

The more coherent I get... The more wrong they grew...

Me and my fricking bias.