When it's too hot...

 ... We stay indoors, eat something cold...

I used not to worry about this. Stupid aging.

There goes my daily walks around noon. Doesn't help that my sleep schedule is shifted into day-shift than nighttime night life.

Around this day, the heat index is all time high.

Air-conditioning and electric fan usage is on high.

So is the water bills.

I sort of miss paying water bills.

I used not to worry when it's hot. Because o deal with it better than cold.

So I was not like most people when it came to dealing with heat.

It's not a mere sensory issue. The cold is sometimes PAINFUL. It's like it's physical than something in mt head.

Heat exhaustion doesn't make me worry. Until... I no longer deal with cold intolerance. Had to learn to deal with heat like everyone else.

Yay for ice cream and iced orange juice!!!

Trips to the air-conditioned malls and venues... Pools and beaches!!!

EXCEPT...

Getting unlucky by getting sick due to changes of extreme weather. 

Usually in my case; it's sinus infection that feels like tonsillitis, only higher up my nose... Which can descend and infect my lungs as well.

No ice cream, no orange juice, no trips out, nope, nope. I'm too busy with phlegm, bodily aches and potential fever.

Sigh...

And even if I don't have any sickness anymore, I had to deal with... Body temperature. Hydration levels. 

Then there's two types of outdoor heat I deal with; the heavy humid and the dry hot kind. 

Former is NOT pleasant, may suffocate me and give me headaches. 

The latter feels like hot shower without showering and less chance of sweating.

I miss the latter. Screw the former.

I don't care if my skin gets burnt. Not that I ever experienced sunburn before.

Though... To be safe, I have some stock of sunblock. And unsure if I should cut corners with it because it's pricey.

Wouldn't be ideal if I could just be asleep all day long and wake up, go out at nighttime?

I wish.

That would require me a decent enough room. 

Else I'd be dealing with sweat and potential discomfort.

The stereotype here is that people here just take a bath 3 times a day.

Sorry. The budget here is a bit tight. Especially due to recent events. Another story for another day.

I'm also contemplating if I should get a shorter hair so I wouldn't bother with tying my hair and using conspicuous amount of conditioner... 

Or just let it be, get a trim or so. Usually, I do do haircuts until past Christmas. Another story for another post.

Really, other than the bodily changes due to birth control, related to blood pressure and body temperature...

There's my decision making; I don't ride trics and pay for it when I could just walk it in 10 minutes on foot.

Now I'm willing to make bargain.

Sigh... I don't like aging.

I don't care if I'd look older. I just had enough with feeling crappier, fussier and more sensitive as I age.

Enjoying Out

Summer is here from where I'm...

Yes, your typical go play in the water under the hot weather

Usually, when I go out, I need some sensory tools. So; earplugs, photochromic glasses, maybe a fidget ring or two... Comfortable clothing; weather appropriate, no tags, and nothing stupid like rips and holes.

But if I really want to enjoy it, I need more than that. Yes, I'm living in a fussy body.

I should be; not sleep deprived, not having my period, not angry, not bloated because I ate too much, not sick in any way, being able to breathe well, etc. Etc.

Else all my thoughts and feelings goes through dealing with whatever I'm feeling inside instead of enjoying what's in front of me.

That's usually how it is with me. That is... Until I figured a way to tone the internal stuff down. Well, most of it anyways.

It's easy to tone down external noise; you can hide from it. You can avoid it. You can just cover it all up like a cork to a bottle. Easy.

But the internal noise? Takes professionals. It goes towards the realms of the medical field; physical, mental health and emotional support.

So I had to deal with daily discomforts -- too prone to even 'normal everyday things' are not comfortable to me; not just my environment. Having to deal with that since childhood, but that's another story for another day.

For now; this is about me going out.

I'm dealing with some form of chronic idiopathic nonallergic rhinitis. Turns out one of my triggers is not simply irritants, but also my hormonal levels, how much water I drank, if I ate certain stuff... Etc. Ruins my whole day, even if I'm inside at home doing nothing.

Annoying.

Even more annoying as someone who is born with a female body. Which is a long story; but to make a long story short; it was an even bigger problem...

Thank goodness for birth control pills. I had the luck that the cheapest type basically solved my lifelong problem. Another post for another day.

So I had to go through all that -- just to enjoy going out.

Sometimes I can ignore that it exists and happened to carried away.

Too bad yesterday I was sleep deprived. But at least it was not as bad as the other days I went out... At least a nap fixed my, ehh, 'off-ness'.

Most of my trips are through RnRs. I hadn't had a lot of it even back when I go to school tours.

I hope someday I can just leave the city by myself, find a spot I can just go... Sometimes I do that; at the malls, at random seats by the market -- usually with my pen and mini-calendar notebook.

How I wish I can only just carry a wallet, phone, keys... Maybe exclude the phone, not much in the wallet, and a single key back at home.

Nope; I need some meds, a hankie incase I get those sneeze fests, some small notebooks in case I was not fast enough to write something down or had to write down and give it to someone... Or suddenly have an urge to draw. 

Always have the fancyism of the possibility that I wanna write a story, write an info, draw or sketch out; "just in case" or all the sudden -- of course, of course, like any fancyisms, it won't happen and thus having a pointless habit of carrying certain items 'just in case'. But as to why or what I bring is another story...

Usually, writing and thinking about some plan or list is conducive when I'm out at night over a cool breeze out...

But alas; I also had to learn how to feel safe and assured. This also means, privacy and being out in the open with something I won't mind getting lost or stolen.

Though, I know how to be reckless and daring. Even to a point of walking at midnight from work; which I did back when I was still working a lot of times to a point of worrying other people... Another story.

I don't actually like carrying things when going out. Having to mind items constantly so it won't get lost or stolen. Or, having to mind how I walk if I'm carrying something heavy; minding that I may broke it, drop it, etc. 

It's distracting. At least it's not as distracting minding that I'm with other people; though it's relevant to the topic that there's a good reason why I prefer to be alone. 

Overall, I like going out. I can just walk for hours end.

But for me to enjoy it; it takes painstaking self care and luck. 

And I suck at planning because I never trust myself to follow it through, never had a chance to practice and 'believe' it works. Someday it will change but that's another topic.

Not that I'm undermining any effort of any disabled folks who needs an even more immense amount of self-care just to do the basics and without the luxury of comfort or ease; but this isn't about them.

So I had another habit on top of going out; why go out without enjoying it?

I had a habit of walking for hours. Doesn't necessarily mean I'm in great shape; body is still not as efficient. Another story. Relevant; I can walk, rain or shine -- though age makes it a bit harder now.

I had a random habit of going out to buy stuff at the markets or groceries. Yet usually not in bulk or at least won't last a week.

Sure, I like the idea of stocking for an entire year of supplies -- but where I'm now is not suitable for something like that. Fancying, but at least I know deep down it's not feasible year,

So; does this mean I enjoy festivities whenever I'm out? Not necessarily. It's just another ritual. Doesn't matter how colorful or what the histories are.

But; free food is free food. Certain novel activities and uncommon merchandises may be interesting. Usually that's what I look forward to.

If not that; then the bare minimum of claiming that 'I was there'.

The Quiet Week

Why?

I prefer to call it The Quiet Week as opposed to Holy Week

It resonates with me that way. 

While I was born into the Catholic rituals and traditions... I'm not really a worshipper. To me, it's just rituals. It's just... Something others to do because history and beliefs and all that.

This cosy. And quiet. And peaceful.

The town is basically almost a ghost town.

Not that I mind. I had prepared the day before.

So a good portion of the week, no stupid loud live bands and no unnecessary broadcasts.

Except the poems and singing passions -- I don't get them. I cannot understand them. I have auditory processing issues. So to me they're just patterned noise.

At least it's not as disruptive as a live band.

And the only way to mess up my walks outside are the weather... Though the weather had gone weird lately.

I wish I still have my room; from the picture. It was taken sometime between Christmas Eve and New Year...

Well, I might as well have my own rituals, maybe related to how I'm, spiritually.

I don't do well with Religious Observations. Heck, I even skipped my aunt's funeral few days ago and only showed up at the last minute of the burial. Anything else is just noise, noise, noise. 

Though how I take death will be another story for another day.

This is about the quiet week.

While my mom's actively participating and collaborating with the religious occasions -- I'm just at home, enjoying the silence.

And if I ever have something remotely spiritual to go to; I'm better off with reminders than the word God itself.

This is a post personally typed and submitted by me; it's about some metaphor of God being in one's heart.

Here's my response:

I'm not specifically raised a Christian. And I'm not a devout Catholic.

Yet I do get what that meant somehow.

It feels like a tiny yet a bright spark than a hole in my chest. I knew and 'have' this as a child.

It's not hollow. There's nothing to be 'filled' in there.

There's nothing for me to 'accept' to fill it whole -- so there's no saviour for me to accept, there's no god for me to beg and satisfy it.

It is not derived from a person. It has no face, it has no name, it has no audible voice that I can imagine from it. Just light.

It's a subjective feeling and a somewhat knowing to me. Whatever this is, it's the very reason why I never, ever felt lonely...

Some can relate and understand, some cannot.

And projecting anything towards it would 'spoil' it.

And whatever it is, I do not worship it. I do not glorify it. I do not 'condemn' those who "don't have it".

It is wordless. It's more of a belief concept than whatever I picked up. It's not 'godly' in a sense of how most gods are portrayed.

It felt more like a really, really dear friend who will never judge you, or how a loving parent should feel like yet without the demanding and uneven dynamic between a traditional parent and a child, or this childhood thing that you love so much that you'd trust all your secrets to it.

It whispers of good things.

Forgiveness, true empathy, humbleness, emotional resolve and courage, prosocial ideas, sometimes wisdom, etc...

Things any child should be exposed of and safely express. Things that no one taught or often shown me in this physical existence.

Not my family, not school... No one. Any attempts just confuses me.

The longer I acknowledge this feeling, the calmer and safer everything felt...

Yet like most humans with an ego, I do not listen to it. Or even 'hear' it all the time.

Because it's silly. Or irrational.

And getting caught up with this world existing with the thoughts and feelings, along with the stress and the environmental distractions left me not much room or time for it.

Not this... Ritual and projections or whatever. That even feels rigid and demanding.

No one explicitly taught me this. Especially as a child when sermons and lectures are just noises.

Going to the church won't let me access this light. Going to a sermon won't give me time and processing.

I get better luck with meditation and reminders.

So yeah.

I do sort of have a 'relationship' with this feeling, if one calls it that. It's neutral at worst. And because of stupid EF issues, sometimes I just forget it exists.

It always exists in this all encompassing background.

The same way I have a serious hate relationship with my sympathetic nervous system for dragging my development down, for it's inability to regulate and whenever it's triggered an unwanted memory at the wrong time and place.

Anyways.

I don't read the Bible.

Partially because my verbal abilities are that bad and a lot of sayings just confuses the heck out of me.

Partially I do not trust the popular translations in English. And I basically understand nothing when it's translated to my native language.

Really, 'commandments'? And not well, 'sayings'?

I'll consider reading if there's a more faithful translation that can actually translate the ancient contexts.

Not agendas about how women are inferior or how humans should be obedient and submit to whatever.

Feeling or not...

I'm just not drawn to most ways religions are taking itself a bit too seriously. 

Sometimes I read it from time to time. To recall it.

Might be why I know how to compose a living breathing prayer. But that's another post in another time.

I'm not an atheist. I'm not particularly religious. I don't have what constitutes as a religious belief; just assumptions. And feelings.

I don't have a particular opinion over the Holy Week in my country. Nothing about the story of Jesus and how he died and resurrected. Nothing about other people reenacting his last moments as said by the bible, or if it's becoming more secular or not...

It's just another ritual to me. Like how I have to watch a foreign custom and 'respect' it by mimicking behaviors or ask some itinerary of whatever holiday.

In any other case;

Enjoy Quiet Week of this country.

Nails. Fingernails.

I was trying to change it's shape. Because it's usually a mix of squared and rounded.

Don't care if it doesn't look feminine or lady like.

One of the few habits I'm able to retain and do every week is to give myself a manicure and pedicure.

I do it myself. I know it's a bit costly to spend something that may not last for 2 weeks. So I have my own set...

Not clumsy enough to mess it up, usually...

Only painted with natural colored nail polish.

Then one day I looked at my nails for a moment. My toes especially -- I observed that the shapes are not as consistent.

That my nails are actually very short.

That I still retain the lengths relatively from my childhood.

I used to bite my nails as a child, but I forgot how I dropped the habit. Maybe it was replaced.

I also used to impulsively pick off nail polish. Then suddenly I don't after years of never wearing any nail polish.

I used to not make it any more elaborate until I find how to make nail polish stay a bit long... Or at least less prone to breaking off. Now I apply at least 2 thin layers.

I used to just... Cut my nails every week or so. And it's usually too short.

Reminds me of those 'it's late for me to realize this stupid habit but better late but never thing' -- like how I kept cleaning plates of servings past comfort but that's another story for another day...

Then, realizing how short it is -- that it made cutting and cleaning difficult.

That some shapes would make my finger nails prone to ingrown nails.

I wouldn't want that.

I want to make it consistent so I did.

Let the nails grew a bit until I can shape it up.

And I sort of did. At least with my hands first -- my feet would come later.

Instead of 'roundish', I made it a bit 'squarish'.

And it looked a bit awkward. Because of the visible thing where you can see dusts or whatever underneath those nails.

I may need a neutral, skin tone matched nail polish color instead of natural transparent ones soon.

It's not like I'm obsessed with nail polish.

My mom used to -- sort of. And it used to be her mini livelihood.

... Also remembered that apparently, I'm the only one who can apply nail polish to my former boss without tickling her.

... Also those painful procedures that involves picking off flesh and potentially let it bleed... Well, I'm NOT at that level. Again, I'm not a professional.

... Also that I recall that I only ever paid for manicure and pedicure once. 

How silly to mention that -- though, still, if I'm going to spend like 2USD equivalent every other week, that would be going to the gym. Whatever gym related topic I have in mind now is another topic for another day...

Also I've yet to try making a habit on filing my nails.

Also I've yet to accustom with my fingernail shape whenever I scratch my head or just scratch overall.

I don't want mine long.

And I don't want the less convenient nail shape.

But it is still feels awkward. Underneath the nails was this roundish shape internal skin thing -- while the nails itself are squarish. It just feels weird. 

The less closer to cut over the skin might be vulnerable to bending and I don't like it.

And I scratch a lot. My head especially. My fingers feels so... "Uneven".

Hope I will someday just get used to it.

Know my own fingers. It's limits and all that feeling.

Work in progress.

Fleeing Ideas...

It's a frustrating thing, you see...

There came a thought, and it was a good idea.

At the time, "confident" that I'd remember such a good idea.

Only to find that it's no longer there.

Frustrated, like how it is frustrating the feeling that you want to say something but it's at the tip of your tongue.

It's an issue I've been having trouble fixing.

I carry a pen and paper around me. And I always have my phone.

Yet I cannot seem to make the habit to write those ideas down.

Why?

Maybe it's this lingering childhood habit that I cannot let go because as a child, my memory was great.

As I grow older... It just becomes less and less reliable...

And I'm not even 30 yet!

But I can feel it -- year by year. I can sense this subtle downgrade since age 15, slowly and surely accumulating negatives in me.

I don't think it's normal. Or a sign that it's your everyday aging. Something is just wrong.

I tried to compensate with that -- only for the habit not to stick.

Kept forgetting, kept being 'arrogant' or whatever.

As if I cannot learn. And it's been so, so long.

It's like those weeks -- great days, I built up over the course of few weeks.

Only to be all gone. And not being able to pick up from where I left off.

And even if I did have a record -- the motivation is no longer there. It's as if I cannot adapt.

I used to fear forgetting things.

Until it became too much -- and I was so young at the time.

Until something colder; yes, bouts of depression came, but back then it did not stick.

Now as an adult, it's trapping me into unwanted places.

Not only ideas, but also the things I already learned.

It's not burn out or some form of regression. It's not "out of practice" either... It's not real depression either -- else it doesn't feel like some inconsistent cycle that's coincidentally went bad at puberty, interfered and exacerbated by hormonal cycles.

But I'm losing... "Prerequisites." It's something I already knew, I already done -- and like a carpet rug being pulled under me... No longer accessible until it came again.

But my head is dumb.

"Fancyisms" that I'm still this reliable person in my head, which resonates when it happens -- yet no longer.

Frustrating. Why can I not just let go??

When I feel like myself more, I get so many ideas. See all the possibilities, being able to think forwardly, dreaming and hoping of freedom, of independence as to how I will live my life.

THEN it's gone. Like some false hope, being baited by my own head or body or whatever this is.

I mentioned before; my short term memory sucks.

Whatever I had initially, which is below average, was somehow just enough. Could afford to just be content with that.

But whatever I had less than I had initially is not, I cannot adapt to it.

"Hoping" there is this me, buried beneath this unreliable character. And I just cannot let it go.

Sometimes I managed to write it down.

Then forget what I wrote. Or that list even exists.

The point of list is to remember -- but what will you do if you don't remember the list exists?

No, I don't have ADHD. 

I have executive dysfunctions that I'm not supposed to be having. And I hate it so much.

The worst part is that the habit requires to interrupt myself, pause and write it down.

But I don't do that. That costs me; to shift gears for the sake of 'recalling' -- and it's not even a guaranteed thing.

Sigh.

This is a pathetic post.

Likely one of the many rants and one of the many whinings to come.

So I do not have the energy to shift gears, so take urgency?

"DO IT NOW!!!" Like some sort of sprint.

Actually, it's detrimental too -- no room to decern if it's a good idea, no room for pros and cons, no room to judge if it's relevant.

There is no pause button. Not even the list -- the list is not taken as a 'save button'. It's either now or never-maybes again in another random time and place.

Oh, and I ever suck at this mental sprint. The road disappears before something great happens.

I was not always like this.

And I might as well repeat that phase.

Something is wrong.

And I might as well repeat that phase.

It's a stupid cycle.

May rant-elaborate someday...

The thought of this just... Pisses me sometimes. Among other thoughts that rings in my head and pisses me off. Which is, well, not yet on the level of writing I have yet... Or, I don't have the prerequisite at the moment.

I don't like these fluctuations.

I don't like these inconsistencies.

And I cannot adapt to it. And every time I tried -- it's as good as those fleeing ideas.