Internal Nuisances

I long lived in a cacophony of internal states.

No, it's not my imaginary inner world where I be who I wanna be.

It's more like a stupid loop, a cycle. But that's just how the head works.

I think there are at least 3 layers of internal judgment...

1st layer is how you feel about your emotions (meta emotions).

2nd layer is whatever your brain or subconscious cooks up or perceive (which is emotions that are less voluntary yet aware of it).

And then there's the 3rd layer where you can say where The Body Keeps the Score (in which the emotions are not within the conscious) that can be hidden by the second layer.

Maybe there's more and beyond, far and in-between.

But I ain't a psychologist, neurologist nor a mystic with absurd internal sensitivity, discernment and regulation of it all.

It's a nuisance. Emotional processing.

The funny thing is that I've searched the net to see which techniques could've helped me.

And I find none.

There should be some sort of guide of how to rule out what before jumping to some sort of self diagnosis other than 'it is relatable' or how resonating the label is or the people's accounts on how they experience with the label.

The best thing I can describe my case is that this stressful existence -- even though my life is very easy, actually stress free. Save from my chronic sneezing...

Anyone can easily mistaken that I have anxiety issues. I don't.

Or dismiss this uncomfortable heavy feeling in my body as some sort of direct or indirect part of my neurodivergence. I knew better than that.

Usually this is my plan; provided that --

I have enough documentation on how I should go about it. There's symptoms and then there's ruling out possibilities; in order -- physical, hormonal, and then mental.

I have the finances. 

I have the communication skills. I have the composure so doctors won't conclude it's all in my head at the first phases which is rulling out blood work and the physical.

Then if said doctors can comprehend the contexts of neurodiversity and women's health...

Nah -- not in my case. My first attempt is an utter failure because I'm too emotional. Wasted my money on a consultation. 

I hate it. So much. 

Frick that doctor and her tone policying. If I have a real choice, I would've walked out without paying because she did not do a jack.

Since I cannot rule out blood work in a single visit -- because I don't have the money to attempt 'doctor shopping'...

I just want to be a healthier neurodivergent female, damnit -- not an unhealthy neurotypical.

Why not just DIY this? I have all the internal sensitivities, only I have the knowledge of my own history and where my priority lies.

Again, I ain't a doctor. I can't even perform a simple dietary change on myself.

Well, if I were going to be a biohacker, I would've had a lot of biofeedback instruments and the funds to try everything under the sun -- and most of all, lack of picky eating and 'consistency'.

I don't have any of that. Not even my body.

"Screw it!" I say. I'm already 28, past the age of being a 'young woman' yet to adjust from puberty and all responsibilities of a young adult or be capable of simple changes. 

I'm done "waiting" for me to "outgrow" this nuisance when it doesn't come.

One day, I just walked into a pharmacy and brought a box of birth control pills over the counter.

Yes, prescription for hormonal contraceptives is not mandatory from where I came from.

The result? It was fantastic! And I was so, so lucky because I'm aware that the effects can be different for everyone. Mine was mostly positive.

It got rid of a particular layer -- which was the stressful heavy like feeling...

Suddenly, everything became easier.

But this also means that I had to adjust to the change and it did take a while. I still do.

My metabolism changed. 

Effects of coffee for me went from zero benefit and only side effects; taking it only for taste, lived with said side effects for years and quit coffee for years -- to how it was intended to be which is a stimulant.

One month wasted on coughing fits later -- I tried and tested depressants.

It doesn't do much. At least it doesn't give me jetlag like symptoms. And yet, it doesn't help me sleep.

Yet... 

Instead it made me able to reach deeper within.

And with that I now have a more direct access to my emotions and somewhere in my head.

Few weeks later, without the internal noise and extra estrogen for my executive function; I was able to self-therapize myself. 

Melatonin won't be a sleeping aide for me, but it will certainly be a tool for me.

Come 10 or so weeks after, I ended up with a common side effect of taking birth control pills continuously without taking the placebo; it's called 'Breakthrough Bleeding'.

It was a literal pain. Mine happened to be as bad as any period. It's tiring to deal with it.

Meaning I would had to take a week long break from taking BCs for a while.

And this is my chance to see which is the main source of my dysfunction --

Was it the emotional nuisance complex hidden by brain power draining coping mechanism, or low levels of estrogen...?

May update in another post.

For now, I'm testing myself by being back temporary to my old work once a week on part time until I'm no longer needed. 

To see the contrasts.

But I won't be planning on staying nor return full time. Full time work isn't simply for me -- I will find different ways to earn income. For another post, another story.

Fries

I thought it was just this simple thing; skin and slice potatoes and then deep fry. How stupid that was of me.

By the way, this is not a cooking blog.

Thinking back, I skipped the most crucial step which was to remove starch.

I looked up to the internet on how to make home made fries.

Turns out I kept skipping the processes of removing starch; ot can range from soaking to cold water for at least an hour, boiling it soft, low heat deep fried and freezing.

I didn't thought it was a lot of work.

Thankfully, it involved way less mess than my attempts at paper making -- but that's another story for another post.

Since I'm not very accustomed with slicing vegetables with a kitchen knife, I'm sure my cuts are neither fast nor precise.

I also neglected to get rid of the eyes. The potatoes were a bit on a small side, you see? And it's just a half kilo worth or so...

Soaking in cold water seems a step that needs a lot of waiting and waiting I did.

It was said that the longer it was soaked on cold water, the crispier to becomes.

Well, I let it soak on water in the fridge overnight.

As soon as I get to go home -- instructions says that I had to drain and pat it try...

And well I did. It was quite a bit awkward and not fully done it. Had to use, like, 2 or 3 of my dry towels.

There are more steps that goes beyond this; boil, precook, freeze or soak it in water again.

Since I'm in some sort of rush, I just chose precooking it.

But I don't have a thermometer that measures how hot the oil was. 

Whatever. It just says low heat -- then I just turn the stove on low heat.

And then drain and pat it dry. Pat dry the oil -- uhh... Of course, I had to cool it off too before that.

Still I'm just excited to see it's outcome.

But quite reluctant. So -- I cooked ¼ of my stock, and store the rest in the freezer.

Patting dry the oil isn't perfect either... I'm somewhat worried what would happen if I let it freeze...

So I cooked the remaining batch on medium heat oil. And it went brown quickly.

I might have poor time sense -- but I'm sure fries don't go golden to brown in less than a minute. Was my fire too hot?

I just took it out when it's golden brown or browning.

Drain, put some salt, cool off... And...

Well! It was not so bad the first time!

I think I like it.

And I have the intention to master this process... Because I like fries.

The Story Is Over

And so, my level 200 character became her whole self, found her parents who essentially traveled through time, saved the world by the power of espionage, all of them got exiled from their world for breaking some forbidden guardian law, got new siblings on the way, found some otherworldly mad doctor and cured their racial incompatibility, found another otherworldly macguffin that allowed to grant certain psychic powers, overcame their respective spiritual curses, and then is welcomed by some higher being by passing their respective trials so they'd stop crossing dangerous dimensions to look for a places where they can raise the babies.

And they all lived in a higher realm forever and after.

Fricking, fricking FINALLY!!! That story was over 15 years old!!! AND IT'S OVERRR!!!

It was a darn story in my head that's just going and going and going -- SIIIGGGHHH!!!

My old notes. Yes, most of which are sized A5 or A6 because I like them fit to my shoulder bag...

Despite those... 'Ideas' and story telling in my head, I never plan to be an author of any story. 

My writing is atrocious and this isn't coming from some confidence issue or lack of practice.

Most of these 'ideas' are involuntary. Intrusive even. They don't actually interests me, it's just my head. Really.

I was a maladaptive daydreamer.

It was lead and fueled by fanfiction addiction and fiction addictions in general.

I have no real investment nor am a real fan of anything. It's literally just my head.

It's not a preference to me, it's more like a distraction. More of a coping mechanism that I wish I could stop.

Did I said 'was'? Yes. Yes, I did. But later on that.

I guess it started when I was 8? That's when I start being so drawn to TV cartoons that I watch an inappropriate amount that I'm so sure a parent who knows what they're doing would be very concerned over.

Was a night owl by the time I turned 8. By binging cartoons. And sleep a good portion of time at day, even during classes.

Really.

No one asked me why is this. No one reprimanded. No one encouraged...

That addiction went to computers addiction. Games, the internet... Especially at times when I wanted answers and either couldn't word my answers right or that there's no outside reference that can actually help me with my thoughts and situation.

Seriously.

I hated sleep. Not in a brag and trendy way -- I really hate it. I hate human needs. Seen it as a distraction from what I want to keep doing.

So... The usual theme is fantasy adventure. Little to less romantic arcs. Plenty of friendships, some families, internal monologues, etc. Other worlds, alternative universe, etc. 

I imagine and daydream based on what I know, what actually did happened, etc. Can be in real life, can be from whatever I watched or read.

And I couldn't stop it. This isn't me. Sure it's entertaining but this isn't what I want.

My head likes it. My conscious doesn't. 

My emotions do not help. My vulnerability to stress to do not help.

It's frustrating; it's like the scenarios where my body craves it yet I hate it's taste or feeling.

The addictions made me a bigger procrastinator. And it never gave me a chance to learn moderation. 

Moderation became a struggle because I cannot switch or transition from doing something to stopping it quickly.

This also reflects with what I eat.

I waited for years to outgrow this... Along with other issues I had been struggling with from within.

It affects with how I interact with the world. It gave me this layer of ADD-like symptom. Because it's an intrusive thing.

And even if I'm not consciously engaging with it, even if my attention is not in my head -- my processing is still affected.

It also made me have some embarrassing behaviors; like talking dialogues out loud. At work, at public, anywhere.

Reading seem like a good habit of mine but... It's too excessive. And words as medium is not my true inclination and far from my own forte.

If not stories, social interactions then. And it was just as annoying.

Then... Something just happened.

Some time around few days ago; I wish for the story to end. It was around bedtime, almost midnight.

And... Like the countless times I did before; end the story. Finish loose ends. Finish epilogues, etc.

Except...

The book in my head is finally closed.

There lies an inner child, looking at the bookshelf.

Something just... Stopped.

My mind went quiet. So, so quiet. I can physically feel a change; somewhere in my lower left side at the back of my head.

It felt like something had been let go. It's like 10 or so tabs had been closed from my head browser.

And the only automatic thoughts I have is random endless loop of music.

I confronted this inner child. I asked her why; why is she drawn to these stories? What does it mean when she's drawn to certain characters?

Turns out decades of maladaptive daydreaming had been a cover up. It's to avoid my daddy issues and complexes towards family.

When she's drawn to a certain character, it's because there's a trait that she wants to have within a parent.

... My own mom isn't the perfect fit. My dad is another matter...

When she's thinking of other stories, she's thinking of legacies and secrecies. She fantasizes a lot about family and friendships.

Yeah, yeah, I get it. The timeline fits; dad went abroad before I turned 8, realized my own difference from other kids, etc. 

Therefore the addictions and daydreaming and all that. And despite my life isn't so bad? But this is something to do with what happened and did not happened as a child.

I confronted it. And I still want to confront them all head on so I can just get over with it.

But I know I cannot force it. It's physically uncomfortable too -- it's this symptom at the back of my neck, going tense and hot.

And despite having a quieter mind... I couldn't sleep. The loops of random music got even louder...

To make me fall asleep again, I either had to tire myself with ASMR or engage in whatever story in my head.

Best to make sure it doesn't last for years, never chronic and never consuming my whole day.

The day after that; I was sleep deprived. I had a job to sub...

... And the change was so weird.

Time became way slower, but none of the impatient and anxiety to just end the whole day already.

I can suddenly switch task faster. Interruptions feels way less painful. My focus is still intact though...

My short term memory issue is still an issue. So, too bad -- I'd still suck at multitasking. I still have my initial issues.

And a layer of internal distraction is gone. There's even way less pull to get into my head anymore. 

It just confirms even further that I don't have ADHD, that one major symptom I got was psychological, not my brain's wiring.

I'm so happy with this breakthrough. And that I did it myself.

All day effortless mindfulness... And none of the conscious effort and headache that I associate with continuously practicing mindfulness.

Boredom became weird. I became way more present than I thought was possible.

My automatic generated thoughts are a bit different now. My thought processing is a bit different now. 

And I can now directly ask my inner child, the limbic system for asking 'why this thought? why that rabbit hole?'..

... I'll take any mind wandering as a sign; if I ignore it, acknowledge it, or get obsessed with it would be more of my choice than not -- unlike before.

I can choose to comfort her. I can choose to not to. It can be confusing but I certainly can do much better with my emotions now.

The only issue I got now that came with this is another adjustment, especially at sleeping.

All and all...

My head is way, way clearer now. Now that the story is no longer taking over my thoughts, I can focus even more with the outside world, with this life.

Might as well try my best to replace this with something that aligns me more, towards my goals, towards my interests.

And... I'll do my best with any possible repercussions of this change.

So many changes within 2 months. 

Most of which are breakthroughs from the things I struggle with for years.

To some, it's an opportunity to be a writer or one of those types and this is a sort of gift they can channel; I'm not one of those types... 

I cannot channel this, and it's more of a curse.

To others, it's a matter of survival and sanity. Not me -- it's just an unwilling fixation. My life is not so terrible that I'd run away from it. And this was driving me less sane, making me stifle my chance of survival... 

It gets in the way with my independence.

And then to a few, who, just don't want to be stuck in their heads...  I tried to take that to a stride due to the nature of my condition.

But to be able to dig this further and actually able to get out...?

I'm in another road where no one else seem to be anywhere again.

Routines, Schedules...

It's something I supposed to need.

But it's also something I want but...

Nope! Get interrupted from withiiiiinnnn~~~

Really, really tried it so hard to make it so...

Supposedly, I'm the kind that was built to cope by having routines.

But was unable to.

Why?

I don't have ADHD.

But I have so many head excuses, emotional hurdles and a lot of irrationally reasoned inconveniences.

By intentions and all the fancying, I want to be conscientious.

But the reality? I'm not. I just am not. And that frustrates the heck out of me.

Was it my household? That wasn't done at home at all. Was it the culture I grew up in? Not being punctual, very lose with the rules?

I'm aware that I'm not living as the same place as most people in the same space. They have their own rules and I have mine.

I wanted to follow the rules. Do things to the letter. But alas -- instead, what I had was a whimsical mischief, a rebellious grudge, an entitled exceptional and someone who even want nothing but defy her own basic needs and even her own humanity.

So -- struggling for having a routine for years. Crappy habits, poor self regulation, confusion and directionlessness followed.

Doesn't help that I suck at processing language but that's another time and another post...

Turns out I do had multiple interferences; it's just not outside of me.

Being a biological woman is one of my biggest interrupters. And I really am interrupted by it because every other week, the rules changes... And I cannot adjust that fast. Spent the majority of my adult life just being unable to keep up.

So I tried to predict it. I really did, tried to anticipated any possible changes.

But that did not work out. No. Every shift in any gears is a huge drainer to me it seems.

Constantly interrupted momentum, painful inertias... Until I took birth control pills.

Now that I don't have major hormonal interruptions anymore --

My next internal interruption is certain habits and patterns.

Spent too much time of reading fanfiction. Spent too much time listening and watching YouTube videos. Spent too much time reading and typing online...

And I had to break that, too. Oh no! That's more than one discreet tasks!

Then any external internalized stuff by seeing something or someone... Not being picky enough. 

It's like I have my own AI in my own head. And it was programmed on consuming more entertainment medium than learning, unlearning, relearning and practicing stuff that mattered.

Another layer is the possibility that I hadn't been completely recovered by specific types of burnouts -- but that's another time and another post to elaborate on that.

What's more -- the trickiness of 'how I work'. 

Must learn and get over the fact that I don't learn linearly. Like; step 1, step 2, step 3...

Nope. Step 1, step 10, step 5 helps step 7, step 2 preps step 4, go back to step 10, etc...

Even something as basic as time of eating and sleeping -- which is really the most basic of getting a routine.

Usually, my sleep schedule goes n24 (cycles that are more than 25 hrs or less than 23 hrs and it accumulates). Even with work, it did not out.

Eating, too -- turns out I have 3 types of hungry. One of them is the real hunger; the rest is something I had to contend with.

Then these basic inconsistencies is mostly gone. After my hormones are no longer going ups and downs, too... 

I finally had a stable day-lark ideal sleep schedule, and an eating time that I can instinctively tell. 

Because after taking the BCs, sensations, emotions and even hunger cues went weirder. 

Another story for another day -- or, piece it together yourself. I might be repeating this or referencing other details several times already throughout this blog.

But yeah... Stupid layers of prerequisites -- some of which is biological than mental or even behavioral. 

This much change, just for me to have a chance to have a real routine.

I still am not following my own attempt of making rules and planning daily activities.

But it's finally getting there. Slowly but surely.

Am I really just so slow to adjust even to myself?? It's frustrating still.

At least... Sleep also became less troublesome. Waking up also became way less painful. No more heavy arms, no more weird numbness on my right thigh...

It was so, especially after I stop being sick for few weeks of coughing.

Other than all that -- sickness, any emotions, any changes... I really tried to track all of these to anticipate.

But... It's... Meaningless. Tried to bullet journal, track them all via written logs or digitally... For years. I attempted to, and maybe that will change me; that every check, every tick would motivated me.

Instead I just because a serial notebook abandoner, installed and uninstalled apps... Tried my best to salvage the data I collected. 

In ADHD terms, it's called pivoting... As I said; I don't have ADHD. I call it fancying.

Just because I know it's coming... Doesn't mean I'd be 'prepared'. And even if I'm anticipating it and be 'prepared', it's this shift in the gear, past the conscious somewhere, where the rules suddenly changed.

Now, finally, I'm dealing with way less of that. Maybe I'd finally just drop it altogether.

I'll only track myself for the sake of my crappy memory. Patterns comes distant third -- it's over for me since constant self monitor did not work. 

Maybe useless now, since my internal rules changed in a semi-permanent and finally in a way more stable basis.

I cannot forget those few days at 5th grade; I want to wake up at 5:30am, take a bath to myself, dress myself while I wait my mom to cook food for me and take me to school...

... Only to be stopped by being creeped out on sleeping alone at one night. Frustrating.

Now that I remembered it; I barely recall ever having to list my schedule at school. At all. Only the order of subjects I had to take everyday. I only got a class schedule when I was at high school...

My binges are still here; the remnants of my worst years. The moments when I want the day to end.

Then when I had work, I want every day to end quickly; and to end an entirely week just as quickly...

Even during pandemic -- waiting the day to end. Maybe because, I want every phases to just end, hoping for a more stable self -- when it doesn't exists to me 'naturally'.

Now? Time is sort of... Slower now in a way that I don't want to waste it, yet faster in a way it mattered whenever someone ages.

My hormones are more stable thanks to getting lucky on BCs that started almost 2 months ago.

My body clock became more stable.

My hunger times is becoming more stable.

My schedules are also more stable.

Hopefully many more will follow.