My wish has already granted.
I had put my points into "transitioning". By transitioning, meaning in context; switching gears, shifting in and out, "mentally alt tabbing"...
If I had to go and stop, I can do it, easy. No inertia involved.
Before, it was a major drainer...
Now it's just something I can do. Suffocated the inertia out of my wiring basically.
Although, my head still makes excuses. You know, like an enabled addict; "I can stop anytime".
Nope. There's a difference between "Yeah, I can stop anytime." as it says, from "Stop NOW." and "Not NOW, go back!"
Shifting gears is what I can easily just do. Pivoting into a different "NOW" is easy.
Now my problem is how I'm constantly disrupted -- no, not because I'm drained and lose track. But because my head isn't fast enough to process and recall stuff.
It doesn't help that I suck at planning. I suck at seeing things ahead. Let alone bigger picture.
So I had considerations at the moment of what to get rid of; the sluggishness or the myopia, now that I don't have the inertia...
My intuition tells me I can't just do both. It had to be one or the other. It'll take me time to decide and choose, then figure it out slowly before attaining it for real.
So this past week; I was thoroughly tested. Working for a job I'm not meant to do again; too much multitasking.
The timing also sucked. I was sick and on another stupid long luteal phase that I'm still on.
Tried to hack through with supplements and medication, but it's not enough.
No -- seriously. 2 different antihistamines, 2 different brands of oral decongestants, 2 different mucolytics, a paracetamol, a sleep aide, anti-asthma, nasal spray -- NOT ENOUGH TO PUT ME TO SLEEP AND ALSO NOT ENOUGH TO MAKE THE PHELGM AND SNIFFLING TO STOP.
Sure, I'm less tired, but still far, far from sharp, reliable, knowing...
Yet also sure that it wasn't a fluke; I really CAN shift and pivot whenever. Even if I was so overwhelmed, sick, tired, hormonally compromised, sucky timing I missed a major meeting...
... It's no longer a major a but subtle drainer.
All I need is to remember it. And counter the stupid excuses my head makes.
It's a major step into a direction I want. A huge progress.
Now I need to decide the next. Then figure it out. Then get it for real.
I do not deny that I 'demand' so much of myself.
But how could I? I have such pride.
At the same time, I hate living helplessly.
I went looking for few avenues of neurodivergent ways for learning and unlearning.
Unfortunately, there's barely if not nothing about post-healing.
Most people I've met so far are still on those phase; all around mental health, affording mental health, etc.
While the stupid story of mine is over.
Sure, I get ridding the hung ups -- ridding certain beliefs, ridding certain complex, mourning particulars, etc.
But most of which are to do with roads to acceptance, wanting to be zen, losing shame, etc. They're looking and assuming the common stories of being neurodivergent; loneliness, rejection and hurt... I'm not looking for that.
I want mine all about cognition and discreet processes of the human brain and mind.
Went looking for basics, and basics I get.
Like... Yeah; I figured most of my mind and emotions.
But my body??? My body is still a nuisance of a mystery. I got the breathing issues mostly unlike for years -- I just need the hormonal bits messing with my head and the rest.
In which, unfortunately, the body is still an environment of the brain.
So -- basics. I tried; even the very basic; sleeping before 10:30pm; even that ONE part I struggle to do at all.
Let alone the rest; eating as the sun rise, not eating and finishing all the work I need after the sun sets, drinking certain amounts of water throughout the day, stopping artificial lights and shielding myself from that... Even for just 3 days straight.
I kept forgetting... Or I kept missing it.
As a child, I used to try and think ahead... And actually be able to recall things immediately and more wholly. But emotions get in the way. Feelings get in the way. I wish I was as I'm now when I turned 7 or 8 instead of 25 years too late.
In a way, I still mourn for my lost time. Time stolen by something that could've been prevented.
While I'm happier that I turned 30, meaning I can look things more forward...
... It's still frustrating to look at; missing lessons, things I need to unlearn, the crap that others did that I paid for and had to be responsible for.
Yeah, the mind likes to find more problems. Likes to look at the negative. Yadda, yadda, yadda.
I just need to remember and tell; "Not NOW."
Of course I'm not stupid enough to abuse the new skill by using it to bypass the rationally unnecessary crap that the subconscious is absorbing, internalizing, yapping wrong stuff over.
By wrong, meaning, stupid. By stupid, meaning, glitched. By glitched, meaning, I did not consciously did the crap but my brain kept doing and had to clean it up like a toddler who couldn't do it themselves because some ignorant fool put the crap there for everyone to exploit.
By ignorant fools, meaning adults in my life. By adults in my life, meaning humans.
Humans are flawed.
Maybe... I never had to do any of this undoing, unlearning, relearning, asking for a wish thingy -- if people around me weren't so ignorant.
If only I was built to be the best version of myself instead.
But who am' I kidding? This is the reality.
Someday this whiny entitled phase will be over.
Just like the stupid story my head spins in my head over and over.
Oh, and I did not get my reassessment yet. Because it prioritizes younger cases. And probably because the assessor is scared. I'm not kidding.
And this pattern of... Seeking help for something, tried to have faith in someone who offered me help... Only to solve the whole thing myself. Well, that's another story for another post.