And I do not like words.
In which I look back at the year 2024.
Let's see...
Right before 2024, at Christmas 2023, I quit my full-time job.
January that year; I tried digital designing. With my own cousin for an employer.
The problem is that I'm just easily stressed. I figured maybe it's burnout thus why I quit my job there and then.
February, I pretty much had quiet quit digital designing. Tried going to VA bootcamps and only to fail all of them.
March, IRL I'm doing this weekly volunteering around my locale... Still tired, still stressed out over nothing. And that's when I started this blog.
April came.
That month, I spent my time wasted on respiratory issues.
Then by the near end of the month, that's when I first took birth control pills unprescribed.
And you know what?? I improved since then!
May -- that's when I overcame 20+ years of constant maladaptive daydreaming, the root of all of it, all because my body is a fricking enabler.
This was also when I stop the reasoning of "I'm still young woman". Also started taking a job that I only work few days a week.
June went and I started experimenting with melatonin. Apparently, melatonin doesn't work in my system without birth control pills.
And get symptoms when I stop. Eh. It's just my body adjusting. *Shrug*
July, stormy season. Busy volunteering.
And why I hate 'tentative dates'. Why?? Because -- because -- is it official? Is it going? If I'm going, am I gonna wait over nothing like a fool?
August... My room is taken away. Because I'm a single person and my sister isn't.
Since then, sharing rooms with my mom. Do not feel safe to write on anything physical since.
And a new phone. My new phone is a completely different brand, with a bit of a higher specs than my last.
September -- "Today I learned that subvocalizing when reading is a crappy habit". Might be why despite years of (involuntary) practice, reading isn't healthy for me
October; fancying, fancying, fancying...
And did nothing.
November = Family and home. Sister returned from abroad temporarily, whole family moved to a next door unit apartment, had a family emergency that prompted me, my mom, my sister and her 'boyfriend' to practically flew to a completely different island.
It's also the first time I enjoy and understand what a vacation is supposed to feel like~
December? Too many Christmas parties, became disillusioned to whatever I felt like becoming a part of something bigger because screw local politics.
Openned my presents from those too many Christmases, and got a journal hardcover one pictured above.
Then came 2025.
By the night of New Year's day, that's when I started taking birth control pills again.
But this time, I had intended consistent sleep times. And first to write a journal.
At first week, it's... Eh.
By second week, I feel something going steady... Like, I'm quickly returning like I suddenly recovered from this weird burnout.
Third week, I feel like something happening to me is real. A real routine, a real work in journaling in ways that it does work, a real rest... Most importantly, a real progress.
Fourth week... I intended to just not stop taking birth control pills.
But when I feel PMS like symptoms, I double dose. Else, I'd be waking up with heavy arms with melatonin flat out not working, not letting me sleep.
Today is February.
My whole year was stressful.
Not because I was busy.
But because my body is too loud.
Now, why would birth control pills improve me?
By then, I'm on a path to investigating "why"?? Current progress is that I'm going to an OB before going to psych.
Just as I planned for so many years ago; rule out any biological factors before going psych.
It just doesn't work until I start improving.
And I'm mourning for my lost years of unnecessary prolonged 'coping' without a more final solution.
And that... Is about a year and more worth of review.
Just today, the room was given back to me.
Finally got my privacy back.
But I'm quite wary if stormy days happens again to take it away from me.
At least I'd know what to do if I have zero privacy and not owning my own space.
Right now, aside from mourning my wasted years -- I'm also content that finally, something real is happening.
I may tell some details sometime in the future.