Pet Peeves over Multi-Factors

It's already annoying enough when doctors around me just quickly assume it's a psychiatric crap instead of help me rule out crap.

This is why I DIY out of it myself

To continue my story from last entry; or rather add details to it...

So, at a local Health Clinic; there was a doctor who was checking the pneumonia...

... Asked if I have a PWD card.

And saw the category of "Psychosocial".

I'm not gonna reveal my specific type of neurodivergence yet. 

All I do know is that I don't have a mental illness to treat. And if I ever needed therapy or whatever, I just do it myself.

But yeah, said doctor, who, is checking my lungs asked if I'm taking medications for whatever this is.

And if I don't, it'll be taken away.

Forcing me to reveal my personal diagnosis at teenage years. 

Why no label? Because, I cannot relate. I can claim to be autistic and all that; qualified as I'm, but are my stories to do with special interests, overwhelm towards the outside world, unresolved traumas from abuse and bullying, and all forma loneliness with wishing of feeling more human? 

Nope. 

Unlike how I cannot relate with ADHD as an ND, I cannot relate to autism as a human no matter how much I'd rather be alexithymic, with so called no empathy. 🙄 

The only sensory related stories one will ever get from me is neglected or untreated biological factors that everyone denies for what it is, and blames my neurodivergence for it.

So said doctor asked how am I feeling;

"I'm feeling constantly irritated." But I knew why; because of chronic sneezing but no one listens to it.

And tries to offer me an psychotic for it. Despite after telling that I have an unmanageable chronic rhintis for practically 25 years of my life.

So said doctor, finally just drop it and prescribed me an anti-asthma inhaler to treat my pneumonia. A month or so worth before como back to it.

The inhaler isn't exactly cheap even with a discount.

But I took it as it was prescribed and...

... Well...

For the first time in practically my whole life; no sneezing fits for days straight.

Not even taking antihistamines, not even with numerous variations of nasal sprays, not even everything in short of surgery... Ever happened in basically all I knew.

For a while, it really took me to process that this is reality. That it's happening. That, I no longer am forced to mind breathing, no more indignities of fricking endless mucus. No more loud sneezes and sniffles.

No more irritation that I've been feeling for most of my life.

Why need an antipsychotic for something solvable as this?? 

An entire month worth. So I had a major contrasting of daily living...

Like; I learned that, yes, stress is my one factor for it. So is hormones. It's not merely just dusts or seasons -- or hell, maybe not even histamine itself.

That, one time I forgotten to take said medications because I'm getting late for work? Everyone saw the contrast of me, constantly getting interrupted repeatedly throughout the day and getting exhausted.

That day, I learned, that sneezing for even few hours straight is supposedly exhausting. 

I did not know that. I already told too many people complaining them having sinusitis for week long, and mine doesn't seem to ever go away. But did they heard me? No. 🙄 Apparently they cannot comprehend something like this.

So, at one time, had a workplace outting that lasts overnight...

... I wanna try helmet diving.

And when I gotten there... My left side of my head hurt. Like something had stabbed me bloody.

I backed out, frustrated and literally hurt.

Told my boss about it.S he assumes it's panic and anxiety.

It's fricking pain, damnit. And the same fricking pain and frustration I had always had to wake up to for the last 25 years.

While planning to take decongestants and painkillers the next time I try helmet diving...

... It makes me think back.

What really caused my burnouts? Am I, this whole time, actually experiencing some form of chronic pain as well?

Everyone label it; me being moody, me having developmental delays, me getting bullied, me just not being fit.

And ignore the sneezing and all my complaints for this entire time. To them, it's just sneezing. It's just "this seasonal thing". That -- just take some meds for it and bear with it. 

How come I do as others who supposedly have said chronic condition; take their antihistamines, take their nasal sprays, do their nightly rituals, make their room dust free, avoid whatever... 

They mostly manage well and I don't?? I don't see anyone else in public having to carry towels to sneeze, or practically ever.

My main source of insecurity is ignored. Neglected. Because it's overshadowed by their assumptions.

If they do, all they give me are platitudes and unneeded assumption that all I need was assurance. 

I want solutions -- they thought it was unrealistic.

And wondered why I cannot trust people. Why I don't listen to them at all.

For the last 2 years since taking BCPs; how many times I've been right? 

I'm turning 30 soon, and I'm getting my reassessment. I don't care if I ever retain the same labels anymore. 

All I have left is mostly habits no thanks to coping with crap, and hormonal disruptors that can undo many things. And just dealing with how this body works.

I know my needs as a neurodivergent; but most of my life was spent coping with neglected stupid sensitive bodily crap; most of which are recently and accidentally solved by accident or a coincidence.

And people do not listen. Hell, and they even accused me of looking for illness. 

Turns out it is and it not born from anxiety, it's born from outright frustration from the disruptions from within.

People never had ever actually directly helped me as I intended. That all I rely is luck.

I don't care if I ever just take said medications my whole life. I never had anything reliable to consume, like most people, until now.

And unlike most people; I do not cope and move on. Either I'm stuck coping or no longer cope and move on.

People have assumptions. I do not fit those assumptions. And I was right.

Respiratory System Issues

Sigh... Of course, of course~ It's that season again! Where cold and flu is trendy!~ 

Except; I deal with upper respiratory flare ups for most of my waking life, random cough and cold once every 3 months or so, one of the 4 or 6 is bad enough to make me lose voice...

I fricking hate it.

Yes, the x-ray result is mine and not a random internet image placeholder. No, I didn't planned it or had been referred from any clinic to take an xray. It's a surprise.

For all I knew, this might be what I've been dealing almost every year. 

I had months and weeks,  wasted on coughing, fatigue and so forth.

I wasn't like this as a child. Except for crappy sniffles that bullied me more than anyone's reaction of oddities I have.

Barely anything like this as a teenager. With no provocations other than hormones and weather.

The frick just happened?? 

It's not like I had a sedentary life.

And, if I work out, I don't improve. I walk a lot and for hours a day sometimes.

But jog or run? Lungs will act as if it has asthma.

Lungs sometimes acts as if it has asthma because of weather and hormones, despite the lack of weekly stressors. It just happens.

COVID history? I'm asymptomatic. But vaccinated without side effects.

Still for most of my life, I have respiratory related issues. And I hate it. Breathing is almost never right for me to a point I cannot use it to meditate with it.

But the lungs are rarer occasion. I almost never had them as a kid. Rarely as a teenager. 

But as an adult?? Are adults supposedly have a more developed immune system?

It's almost always the nose to me. 

Usually it starts with something nasty or painful in my nose or whatever you call past near the uvula, and eventually goes down and spread into my lungs, whatever it is.

After waking up from those the day before, there come fever, weakness, cough, phlegm...

If there's no fever or weakness, I'll lose voice and had to bear with it for a week or so.

And I just fricking hate it.

I don't care if it's trendy or "normal". I hate it. It's not fair. Yes, I'm THAT entitled or whatever. I do not seek sympathy. Only rant.

And whatever emotionality I do doesn't solve this crap. It'll just happen again. For no apparent reason other than reasoning it's the weather.

This is a tropical country. Humid all year old, more humid at storm season with the comes and goes of hot and cold very quickly. 

And I'm not even living near any large body of water. This place ain't dry enough for me.

So this week I'm taking an antibiotic, an anti-asthma, a mucolytic, and a corticosteroid... Today is day 4 of taking said medications. The cough and breathing issues along with whatever this is, is day 7.

I hate taking anti-asthma medication.

I got prescribed to take it 3 times a day.

Per 2mg of the medication, I need like more than a glass worth of hydration supplement and 3+ worth of medium sized bananas. 

For me to stop as if my body feels restless and cramping.

The latter is too familiar. So fricking familiar, I don't want anything to do with it.

So potassium and electrolytes, eh? Body so stupid sensitive that the recommended bananas were just one per medication. Why does it take me trice to be well with it???

Like, I didn't tried earlier. 1 banana -- still shaking. 1 bananas after second dose of the day -- I just shake more. So 2 bananas; it's a bit ok but not enough.

Then 3? A bit fine. 4? Good.

But is that sustainable??? Of course not!

While I don't mind eating this much bananas, but really? 12 bananas throughout the day to a point that I'm skipping meals because I've been too full.

But this is just day 4 of treatment. I got like 3 days to go or so before getting reassessed.

Another majority of a month wasted on sickness. And this isn't the first time that it happened to me around February.

It already happened last year April.

It already happened last last year October.

If only my past tracking journals are more coherent than "not feeling well" and ranting of "not feeling like it" all week long, all year long than compared to scant few days that isn't.

Was it because I like to walk to work, antiperspirants ineffective and that I literally need a clothing change because being dried of sweat isn't good?

Or was it because of my humidity and cold  intolerance? Because that's what made my stupid non-allergic chronic rhinitis worse and practically unmanageable.

I enjoy outdoors. I like to walk.

Am I going to deprived myself of this because of this fricking body being fricking fragile?

I've been fighting for this crap.

And this is just one aspect of the chronic problem of existing in this body.

I already had enough with neediness.

Let alone sickness and illness and whatever preventive maintenance because of stupid vulnerability.

Being "easily sickly" is a very, very bothersome lifestyle to maintain. 

Take the statement in any other way, it's more true than not, regardless.

Last Year Review

I'm not a person of my word.

And I do not like words.

In which I look back at the year 2024.

Let's see...

Right before 2024, at Christmas 2023, I quit my full-time job.

January that year; I tried digital designing. With my own cousin for an employer.

The problem is that I'm just easily stressed. I figured maybe it's burnout thus why I quit my job there and then.

February, I pretty much had quiet quit digital designing. Tried going to VA bootcamps and only to fail all of them.

March, IRL I'm doing this weekly volunteering around my locale... Still tired, still stressed out over nothing. And that's when I started this blog.

April came.

That month, I spent my time wasted on respiratory issues.

Then by the near end of the month, that's when I first took birth control pills unprescribed. 

And you know what?? I improved since then!

May -- that's when I overcame 20+ years of constant maladaptive daydreaming, the root of all of it, all because my body is a fricking enabler.

This was also when I stop the reasoning of "I'm still young woman". Also started taking a job that I only work few days a week.

June went and I started experimenting with melatonin. Apparently, melatonin doesn't work in my system without birth control pills.

And get symptoms when I stop. Eh. It's just my body adjusting. *Shrug*

July, stormy season. Busy volunteering. 

And why I hate 'tentative dates'. Why?? Because -- because -- is it official? Is it going? If I'm going, am I gonna wait over nothing like a fool?

August... My room is taken away. Because I'm a single person and my sister isn't.

Since then, sharing rooms with my mom. Do not feel safe to write on anything physical since.

And a new phone. My new phone is a completely different brand, with a bit of a higher specs than my last.

September -- "Today I learned that subvocalizing when reading is a crappy habit". Might be why despite years of (involuntary) practice, reading isn't healthy for me 

October; fancying, fancying, fancying...

And did nothing.

November = Family and home. Sister returned from abroad temporarily, whole family moved to a next door unit apartment, had a family emergency that prompted me, my mom, my sister and her 'boyfriend' to practically flew to a completely different island. 

It's also the first time I enjoy and understand what a vacation is supposed to feel like~

December? Too many Christmas parties, became disillusioned to whatever I felt like becoming a part of something bigger because screw local politics.

Openned my presents from those too many Christmases, and got a journal hardcover one pictured above.

Then came 2025.

By the night of New Year's day, that's when I started taking birth control pills again.

But this time, I had intended consistent sleep times. And first to write a journal.

At first week, it's... Eh.

By second week, I feel something going steady... Like, I'm quickly returning like I suddenly recovered from this weird burnout.

Third week, I feel like something happening to me is real. A real routine, a real work in journaling in ways that it does work, a real rest... Most importantly, a real progress.

Fourth week... I intended to just not stop taking birth control pills.

But when I feel PMS like symptoms, I double dose. Else, I'd be waking up with heavy arms with melatonin flat out not working, not letting me sleep.

Today is February.

My whole year was stressful.

Not because I was busy.

But because my body is too loud. 

Now, why would birth control pills improve me? 

By then, I'm on a path to investigating "why"?? Current progress is that I'm going to an OB before going to psych.

Just as I planned for so many years ago; rule out any biological factors before going psych.

It just doesn't work until I start improving.

And I'm mourning for my lost years of unnecessary prolonged 'coping' without a more final solution.

And that... Is about a year and more worth of review.

Just today, the room was given back to me.

Finally got my privacy back.

But I'm quite wary if stormy days happens again to take it away from me.

At least I'd know what to do if I have zero privacy and not owning my own space.

Right now, aside from mourning my wasted years -- I'm also content that finally, something real is happening.

I may tell some details sometime in the future.