Shift Times and Squared

Another lack of update from yours truly.

I do wish I declare an overhaul but... Nah?

There were a few or so that happened in few months...

Let's see... Gotten back in touch in my old online life around November.

At December; I basically hosted 2 Christmas Parties. Staff Christmas Parties were actually fun!

The locale bit I hosted... I barely did anything there...

... I quit my job before Christmas holidays.

Why? Other than my body starts refusing to get up and end up skipping entire days?...

... I am not learning. It's been a decade since I had decided that I need to play keep up, and nothing to show for. 

And I feel really unheard; "but people still learn from you" learn what? Make an example out of me? No thanks. This is my life and I'm not a cautionary tale for someone to look at.

The point of why I'm working at all is to learn, to play catch up. 

I'm not seeing results. It's not working. I'm leaving for good. Call me selfish, but I'm fairly sure that is a very valid reason why an employee would resign from a work.

I progressed when I get rid of the mentality that "I'm still too young", sure, but...

I wish whatever I have now is something I have 10 years ago instead.

At Christmas, I did something relatively reckless... Like posting something very triggering online. And it yielded at least...

I think it was the most important moment I had ever since; the relentless questions of "Why am I different?"

The realization, the "THIS EXPLAINS EVERYTHING!!!" All of that, I felt it all. 

This never happened during my formal assessment over 15 years ago; because back then, it's like "UGH, DUH!!!"

Everything that had happened to me and why everything that I searched in the internet was never enough; finally explained in a middle of a reckless commentary session...

... An explanation that I will never attain in real life.

After the realization that: how I regulate my sense of self is very different, might be why I never felt lonely, why I respond to fear and stress differently, why my tolerance seems low; it's to maintain something very metabolically draining...

... Why I burnout at teenage years despite not masking, why my own body was the most hostile environment of my own brain, why is my whole body cranked up 24/7 despite relaxing, why I cannot relate to many neurodivergents... 

.. And what made me so different in a human sense; was because my regulatory bias is different. A trade-off of sorts. Most people maintain this through socialization -- I don't, instead it's something internally drawn from myself. 

Perfect for asocial people. Not very good for not very healthy ones. It's exhausting.
Nonetheless, it ended this endless pursuit for trying to understand myself.

Now all I have left was.. 15+ years of habit. Unwanted habit of searching for something I thought was there but it's not.

And then the household finally moved out of renting from an apartment, and into my old childhood home... Not the same house or structure, but definitely the same space.

Amongst other things; I gave up speaking too much. I hate being a yapper. It's from my mom.

And I hold a grudge over that, really because it doesn't feel like me.

So, instead, I was told over and over; to see through her lens, see through her place, that she's doing her best, that she's limited to what she can give.

Nope. I had to mourn a parent that I longed; one that never existed.

One that the damnable 5 year old self hope for; rationally knew doesn't exists but emotionally did not care! And kept demanding for this fictional of an expectation alive.

Mourning: done.

Sleeping way better ever since. Mom's voice no longer triggering. 

Still pissed about it, really. If this is the source of my sleep disruption, it's no wonder why I grew hating my younger self even more...

I wonder what the heck else this running rampant in my system that my younger selves had ignorantly screwed up?

And, my biggest self imposed challenge: going back to my old online life, process and recontextualize what had happened during my worst years by reenacting everything while maintaining perspective...

For few months... My left side had been shaking. Going back to the online game my burnout teenage self from 15+ years is the perfect medium for this. I quit this particular game abruptly, hoping I'd focus more on college...

... You know what? I think I regret quitting. Maybe I shouldn't had quit at all. I spent over 12 years over this idea of what I should do and...

... Nothing to show for. Only losing interests overtime, only losing more and more of myself in coping with crap and an exhausting existence. Body not adjusting, mind refusing to learn.

So why not go back in time when it all "started"? Well, more like the whole unwanted bit started at pubescent years, becoming a teenager and quitting school for few years just pushed it.

Had reacquainted with some playmates of mine. Learned their lives a bit.

Like how did they do that?

And amongst other things; relearning, learning... It was good.

But I had to maintain perspective.

So I went back in moments when I'm still this burnout teenager who stopped going to school. What are my prospects?

Except, I'm no longer a student. I'm an adult whose work experience do not count for something.

Yes, this adult is no longer dealing with untreated dental issue, unmanageable chronic sinus issues, maladaptive daydreaming, nagging endless question of 'why am I different?', mourning for a parent that never existed, contending against maladaptive daydreaming...

Just... More lost than ever.

After integrating the fact of what explained 'why am I different?' I felt adrift more than ever...

... There's always an idea of a person that I still want to be, but...

Why am' I still persistently this... "Person"? This "person" doesn't feel like me. 

This version of me, while healthier, there's still a lingering... Thing... That still holds me back...

... I don't know when I lost that, but... I was certain I still have that when I was 10. I somewhat still have that when I was 15. But I lost in at 20?..

Honestly?
I don't know how to rebuild myself.

I have the time, space, the whole privilege to even the a point allowing to put my life on hold.

But...

.. Why am I not this person that reflects more of myself?
What am I missing?