I had to see data by months at the time. Because I'm just that stupid sensitive to inner fluctuations and even the weather.
A week long isn't reliable for me. Nope, it had to be, well, at minimum, 30 days long -- 100 days at most.
For some reason, October just sucks
This is a picture of an artificial patch of lavander. Actually a picture taken by me on the mall with my phone; not an online placeholder downloaded elsewhere and uploaded here. ðĪŠ
Sure; January is a common transitional month from last year to the next...
May is my birth month and I get to call that my lucky month...
But for reasons I just can't understand -- October just sucks. Not eventful, not even adversarial... Illness do not happen there except one: Nothing.
By nothing, I meant COMPLACENCY.
Apparently, it was supposedly a month ideal to start anew for some.
But not me -- everything seem to be at pause for me at that month. And not in a 'I wasted this month due to illness or business' days.
More like just... Doing nothing. Dropping everything. As if the unreliable luteal phase is 2 months longer. ð
But why, just why October??? No idea.
Regardless, last month for me sucked and that there's has been a major storm just yesterday.
Then after years of attempting to self monitor... That my old bullet journal yield almost nothing but vague hints that whatever crap I'm dealing is related to the hormonal cycle...
... This month, I'm calling it out instead of letting it happen. 2-5 days of feeling well, which highly overlaps with period, afterwards, either this weird impulsivity with insomnia or constant sleepiness; either ways, double serving and double spending.
And then this weird downward spiraling of unreliability, causing damage, causing errors, and the shite I kept doing and caused to get 'consequences' from it.
Every other week of getting deceived by my own body. Do you know how frustrating it was to feel like "OH! I'M IMPROVING! OHH I'M GROWING!! OH MY GOSH, IS THIS IT? AM I GOING TO CHANGE FOR GOOD???"
... Then..?!
POOF! One day, just nothing. Forget everything I've learnt, known, etc. Go back to being an utter noob who's still in their first day. Commit unintentional mistakes helplessly, re-improve, errrors catching up, damage control, hoping I'd grow, and then dropping off like that. Repeatedly.
Frick that.
For years, before the stupid story ended, it always happens -- and realizing it too late, by weeks long too late.
Now? With all the work I have? It gets more predictable.
And with a stupid realization of being trapped in some form of stupid developmental time loop.
Again, yet fully solved, yet fully end. Still wanting it to end for good.
My progress in faster processing? I have a hint but that's it. I'll get there.
Since the month ended, I started doodling... Which is a good sign for me, actually!
Before the month started, I went and brought a smart watch. The cheapest I'd get. Just for monitoring sleep and oxygen. And it was fascinating...
Everything during the "well days"; which is 2-5 days out of, ugh, 30 up to 60 of not -- there's no weird stress levels involved.
Any day outside that gets higher than minimum. First days outside well days are during ovulation; gets a bit better if I worked out before bedtime.
But during luteal phase?
There's a detectable signs of stress DESPITE DOING NOTHING STRESSFUL, HAVING TO DO NOTHING IN ADVANCE TO WORRY NOTHING, NEEDING NOTHING BUT RELAX, AND WITH NOTHING IN MIND AT ALL.
Sigh. ð
Other than that, I'm also going back to playing with colored lenses. But this time, it's just this funny DIY glasses mod to block blue light, see if this can help my body finally have a stable circadian rhythm -- trying to convince my body it's not 1PM every day and every night... It's still day 3 or so.
And so...
As I age, my timeblocks had becoming smaller, more zoomed out. I can still remember, as a student and even during working I've been looking the days by weeks...
Now I'm looking at them by months.
Even so... I've been neglecting my date book since October. ð