Choices, mobile choices...

My phone is over 4 years old. It's a high time for me to replace it and get an upgrade.

But almost all of them are 'upgrades'!!

Well, no multitasking features like Android Go versions and anything older than Android 6 is a deal breaker for me.

I got nothing to put a picture on. And I don't plan advertising anything.

I have, like, 3 to 4 options to go on. 5 or 6 if not buying a new phone counts.

So... I can play it safe. Get the same brand within the upper limits of my budget.  Finally use that cloud storage from that particular brand account, faster transition, easily found repair centers, etc. 

BUT! It's over priced for it's specs, cannot unlock it's bootloader, and barely get it future proofed.

Or, get a new phone. With the specs I actually like. Can be have it's bootloader unlocked.

BUT! Not guarantee it will endure in the next 4-5 years as it's not as durable. May brick when I updated it. And definately costs my upper limit budget.

Maybe, get an optimized low end phone. Definately cheap, like half of my budget. May had to cut down my screentime for good.

BUT! No more multitasking. No more games. No more other stuff that I may ended up passing up for the entire next 4-5 years. 

Another route is, well, risky. Get the phone with specs I want for a fraction of the price. Like, ⅕ of the original price.

BUT! OF COURSE IT'S POSSIBLE SCAM!! And that it's high likely a cheap inauthentic imitation.

Maybe I could swap. That's an option for me. 

BUT? I don't like it.

The same with, well, not changing my phone at all. Oh, sure who knows, another 2, or over 5 years? But still.

I want future proofing specs and guaranteed to not brick or breakdown for 4-6 years.

I don't need anything fancier. No flagship phones because I cannot afford that.

A minimum of 6/64GB. My phone is a 4/128GB. Never spent my ROM over 100GB; provided those files belongs to me and not something from work.

Ideally, I'd get a 8/258; but I don't actually need that amount of storage that high.

Let's see... GPU? I want compatability, processing, and good frame rates. 

Graphics? Don't care. No art rendering, no high def. movie. No 'immersive gaming'. I'm fine with just 360p or something not too bright by default... Or one that doesn't brick stuff.

Camera? Don't care. Could care less if it's one of those basic ones. Well, as long size 10 font is eligible on a fully fitted zoomed out A4 picture.

Sounds? Don't care. Well, it could've been better if I never had to switch to loudspeaker whenever I had to talk to someone with it.

4G? 5G? Don't care. If that's relevant to better wifi speed and mobile data internet access, sure. Except, nah.

I went to stores and looked at the phone units. Listed what's available within my budget and eliminated those that do not meed the basic specs.

I did asked people around. Bugged my relatives, bugged people online...

I did my research. Watched and read reviews...

I'm still in this dilemma.

Oh well.

I have until Christmas to decide.

Hopefully there will be sales discount for phone units till then.

Bits and Crumbs of Lot Amounts

Every other nights or so, I walk down a particular section of the street seeing fried chicken vendors closing their respective stalls.

Sometimes, I ask them for their 'mumug'.

They give them away for free.

Ahh, crispy stuff that hits the craving flavor feel -- but it's baaaad for my digestion, cholesterol, and my teeth.

Like most of my comforts do to me, though.

But why? Why crispy salty? Was it my childhood? Oh, sure, I grew up with mostly fried stuff.

But what I consume is more than just fried stuff. It's salty crispy stuff.

Salty more so -- I'd still down a fried fish downed with soy sauce on iodized salt.

Sometimes, I'll just nibble of plain crackers like skyflakes -- as long as it has some salt.

... Really, what's with me and salty stuff? 

Iodized salt more so. Like how it directly affected my cold intolerance into something a bit more tolerable...

NOPE! NOPE! NOPE! DON'T DIVULGE INTO HORMONAL ISSUE TALKS! BECAUSE THAT WILL PUT THIS POST INTO SOME STUPID DIVERGED TOPIC! NOPE!

So, I like potato snacks because of it. The same with corn like snacks.

And that wasn't all, really. 

Yet still... To a point of addiction -- not a day of not consuming anything of I mentioned above.

It affected my budget, you see. It made a dent on my savings too many times.

Turns out; one, dietary changes has discreet processes and humans only do one thing at the time (avoiding and reducing bad stuff OR consuming more and learning to acquire good stuff). Two, the nuisance of emotional processing and whatever encumbrance to make tolerating cravings easier. Three, is either a whiny head made by a whiny body; either hormonal imbalance or whatever head's association comfort or feel good supposed to be...

Why oh why I can quit caffeine really, really easily but I can't seem to quit crispy salty stuff as hard as I couldn't last not consuming chocolates?

But seriously...

I'm already at the near end of the line of this 'lifestyle'.

Other than aging and having a less proficient body, I really need a change. 

Don't want my dad's side of the health family curse get to me too. Diabetes, high blood, obesity, heart diseases, etc.

... Not that I'm ever worried about obesity. If it weren't for my mom's genes, I'd be more over weight. 

Really. I can look slim without any  intervention or special diet or meds. That doesn't mean I'm healthy in the inside.

But first I need to finish off my fridge stock -- as opposed to throwing it away; before replacing it all with stuff I need to eat.

Sometimes I miss those nights -- approaching said nighttime friend chicken vendors at past 8pm by the dim sidewalks, asking for those fried crumbs.

But nothing lasts forever.

For my own good, it had to be.

Oh, OF COURSE.

What's the reason why I hadn't written anything in this blog?

I forgot? Maybe, because, I spent it on screentime or more stories even though I don't need it anymore. It's just a silly stupid habit I need to unlearn after basically over 2 decades of doing the same stupid actions over and over.

Basically, nothing.

This is just a random picture of a 15+ or so feet tall cactus.

"Update at least once a week" I say on a forum signature???

NOPE!!

And I hate this stupid pattern of 'inability to commit'.

No, I don't have ADHD or something like that. Sure, I got executive dysfunction but it's not ADHD...

I confirmed it isn't. That ADHD like symptoms? It's just the emotional nuisance since I was 5. And this particular issue got nothing to do with it.

Just this stupid inability to commit. And be consistent.

I forget said commitments. Because, excuses; because, because, because reason. Doesn't matter what it is.

How I wish I can just be gentle with myself or something??? But this pattern is... 

I just don't like this pattern.

It's like... "I wanna pay for a 5 year worth insurance!" Would that give me an incentive to get a job and pay? At best that will make me feel like an adult for a moment.

Even give me like 5 or so months to get a job and finally pay it for myself --

NO.

Even if I replace 'insurance' with 'rent', the outcomes the same.

It's stupid, really.

Heck, my savings do not moved up since the pandemic.

But this ain't about money. It's about certainty and being guaranteed for me to be able to do and therefore keep...

How I wish this is just a luck issue, but no. The main problem is still in me.

I just don't understand it.

It's not like I'm afraid to take risks. Heck, I'm plenty of reckless myself, but...

I don't want to regret things.

I had enough with... Indecision.

Or entering a new hell after exiting another.

Well, it's not like I'm in an abusive relationship or somewhere unsafe but...

I want to be self reliant. I want my own life. I want to be a captain of my own ship.

It's one thing for me to be able to keep up with promises, but it's an entirely different matter when contracts and legalities are involved.

It's like... I hate contracts.

I get the point but something deep within me just... Do not agree well with it. Always.

But I'm heck sure I wasn't always like this.

 When I was a child -- I can just will it; have a perfect attendance, pass all quizzes and write all the lectures, complete an entire game 100% including secrets, master a specific crafting technique...

But I no longer do. Even with things I want to do.

Might as well sign up a class and pay my entire savings -- but no, not even sunk-cost fallacy can convince me.

At first maybe because of my full time work. But now I don't work as much but -- I stop playing games, I stop pursuing certain skills or knowledge.

I just stop.

I want it back.

Whatever I had in my childhood -- I want it back.

I want that 'I have my sights into it and do everything to accomplish it' back into my life.

I thought being an adult meant doing the very same thing will be easier? WHY IS IT HARDER?!

It's not like I have other responsibilities.

Other than this... 'Self'. Ugh.

Not Nothing, I guess?

Had a really busy few weeks.

I wish it's as simple as just being busy -- by busy, actually doing something.

Some would know about multiple roles theory but... By biggest hindrance remains to balance the plate of existing as a human.

I want a life of actually living balancing multiple plates.

But... NOPE!

As soon as I turn around from the biggest burden that is myself (health, health, habit, habit, emotions, mind, health...) A lot would fall sideways.

I hate it.

I wish I can just sacrifice 'self' in favor of anything else.

Instead, I'd get multiple broken metaphorical plates as soon as I stop looking at that ONE stupid aspect of my life.

No, no... I'm not that negligent. Just stupidly 'sensitive'. 

No, no, it's not even my neurodivergence but that makes it more difficult.

But sure -- I have limited spoons despite being, well, habitually active and somehow fit.

Except, no. I'm not healthy. Internally that is. Also no, I'm not self diagnosing. I just want to end everything that makes me lag as if I have chronic illness.

No, I don't have a diagnosable chronic illness except chronic sinusitis rhinitis. And no one takes that seriously.

I do have a chronic sleep issue out of it though underdiagnosed -- but nah, they'd blame it on my neurodivergence.

Nevermind my family history; my paternal line has crappy metabolism. My stronger and more resilient maternal line can only give me so much allowance.

Sleep enough? I got to tease my cause of sleep issue -- there are at least several:

Let's see... If I couldn't breathe through my nose all night and unable to ignore that, actually sneezing on ungodly hours for hours nonstop, and unable to just breathe through my mouth because it's irritating and it can hurt if the room is too cold.

But that's just the respiratory system. If I ate dinner too early or too late, or took certain foods at certain amount; so, bloating, nausea, hyperacidity, diarrhea or constipation...

Anything else is definately neurological; non-stop thoughts both good, bad, and very often distracting despite not spending on screentime for few days straight since I was that busy... Certain aches, certain temperatures, certain sensations, certain positions, certain sensory craving or overwhelm...

And that's just sleep.

The rest is semi-voluntary or flat out voluntary, which I did for most of my childhood and teenage years.

I WISH I can just ignore 'self' like I did during those times. Go to point A to B, no excuses. Do XYZ that I like, no excuses.

Now? When I'm older, no less -- I get too many excuses in my head.

I'm too busy resting, 'taking care of myself', whatever. It's causing me to miss schedules, skipping sleep (because waking up is very unpredictable) or not do anything at all.

Back to the topic of multiple roles; I have a few. Sometimes at home, sometimes at some hall, sometimes at my old workplace, sometimes at my relatives.

It wasn't that stressful. It's not like I'm working full time and overtime.

No. That's not the problem at all. On contrary... It suited me more than having a stable schedule.

... A stable schedule. It would've been a preference but... NOPE!!!

So far, a 'consistent' life never happens to me. And I'm not talking about your everyday ups and downs in life.

I can have the most precise and lenient schedule and still not satisfied.

Why??? Because this damn body is not so predictable. I thought birth control pills would fix that, but no!!..

At least I ended the stupid story out of it.

But still! I'm 'slow to adjust' towards whatever's internal still.

And predicting myself doesn't help. Years of trying so, still failed.

I'm not sick, so why I could barely do part time job?? If I blame it on my neurodivergence, that's like blaming the car for lacking it's fuel.

I need more 'fuel'. To afford the things I want to do in this life. Or at least, a way of how I would like in this life.

But the reality? Not everyone can be all they can be. And I hate it.

I can technically afford going jobless and with zero responsibilities. Really. A life without external struggle. And still feel miserable because there's no internal fix and no excuses.

I hate internal work. I don't care whether I'm good at it or not, I hate it. I hate it that it costs me so much of my time and energy.

A break? I already have too many breaks. If I take a break from few hours of work, I may not able to transition back to working. Nope! It depends on 'what I feel'.

Still not satisfied or feel like in control. I want more.

I want a life of living being able to take at least few roles, actually participating in several aspects of life.

But I don't have chronic illness. And I already stretched so many ways on how I adapt to my own neurodivergence.

My body is being dramatic. I want a more efficient body. I want a more consistent mind. I want a regulated senses and emotions.

I don't want a life of not doing anything.

I don't like a life of helplessness, cluelessness...

If roles have multiple plates... It's usually assumed that all plates created equal. Family, friends, job, health, other...

It's not.

Not from my point of view.

I'm forced to focus on myself like someone with chronic illness and I'm easily accused as flaky or selfish. And I'm sick of myself.

I know, somewhere there will be a solution to this. I'm not stopping until I reach an age when it's usually appropriate to retire.

As long as I'm dealing with... 'This'... I won't be wishing for a longer life than intended.

Also, no, I'm not suicidal.

I'm just... Stressed out and bored. Understimulated and just easily overstimulated in attempt to quell that. A stupid fricking trap.

Just like my sleeping issues.

No Bake Cakes

There's no oven in my household. It's too expensive.

But I like cake and many sorts of pastries.

This household is always under equipped. Sure, this house got a blender, a stove, your typical house fridge and a rice cooker... But that's it.

As a kid, I like to experiment certain mix and match of flavors.

Especially involving chocolate...

But I'm also picky. I don't include a LOT of flavors.

Which includes mangoes... And mangoes usually goes well with cold served graham crackers. But I don't like mango flavors in anything.

Before it went popular, I've been doing some sort of crash course version of this recipe.

Except instead of with whim cream and condensed milk, it could be with chocolate.

Crushed bits of whatever cracker or cookies as a part of ingredient? Anyone could just imagine that, no recipes needed.

Yep. If only I had a picture of the oreos version of this cake. Or snack. Whatever.

It's a good go-to DIY on occasion since starting from scratch can be so difficult and expensive.

... Really, I tried to make bread with the cooking pan. Sure I did OK, but it was so bland... 

And that I kept messing up with the flour and water ratio that it's always, always goes out sticky. Never had a firm batter that I can actually shape.

As much as I wish to be a baker, I don't have a lot of opportunity to practice. So I make do with the only stuff I have available.

Whenever I get lucky with my money, I usually just look at a list -- same recipe but different brands in each attempt. See which is more flavorful or just favorable.

It's sort of how I've been testing how I mix my coffee. Which is another story and another post, but that's just how I roll sometimes.

Sure -- I could just bug the neighbors or my aunt or something to get me ingredients and use an oven; but nah, that only happens once in a blue moon.

Once this household had an oven toaster. It only has a timer, no temperature indicator whatsoever. 

So it's hard to gauge outside whatever guide was available. And we don't have a thermometer for cooking.

Brought it so we can toast our bread. I like toasted bread.

It's also good if the spread gets heated sometimes. I also just like my bread crispier.

Except, my stomach doesn't do well with certain foods. At random. It's annoying, really.

And so the over toasted became something that is rare of use. The poor maintenance of it doesn't help. The stupid pests do not help.

It's somehow enough for baking pre-mixed stuff from the groceries. Even made one of those 2-3 ingredient brownies.

Now we don't have the over toaster. It's a cheap oven toaster. Maybe if I get lucky with the money again.

I would like an actual oven for baking and for doing certain recipes someday, that is, if I can master baking and able to get my hands on keto alternatives.

But how am I able to master that without an oven to practice with??? 

Practice with the stove since, well, since it's 'fire' so why the heck not?? Practice with the same old oven toaster with a temperature on hand?? Bug whoever have the tools and ingredients every month?? Go to a baking school without the money??

Am I supposed to get a talent that can create cakes out of an open grill or something?

Yeah. It's possible. I just need a thermometer on whatever.

For now, I don't exactly have the energy to try. I hate the extreme weathers. And I live in the tropics.

Too hot makes me sweat and sweat makes me uncomfortable. Too cold? I'm not sure, but my body hates the cold.

I will be needing more than just a boost of  estrogen.

Also I'm not sure if I can do ice cream cake. I like ice cream cake. Especially if it's oreos. I only had it once.

Still...

... No fruits allowed in my baking recipes.